What life is about…

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Not much…

Just…..arggghhhhhh….

Yeah, I let him walk all over me, gave him the upper hand, pretty much bent over like a bitch, instead of showing some strength and self respect.

Pretty ashamed of myself right now.

I still want to save the marriage, he doesn’t, and I know that, but I want to force him to actually say it, because then its on him, instead of me, for once.

Fuck him, he can make a big decision for a change.

Can’t believe his nerve, and his attitude.  Can’t believe I’m enabling it.

I did show one tiny bit of backbone, told him I am over him stringing myself and his son along, and that he needs to stop being so self indulgent and actually make a decision.  He did not like hearing it, tried the ‘I need as much time as I need, and I have no idea how long that might be’ line, but my response was pretty much, “Bullshit.  You chose to get married, and now you need to choose whether or not it’s over, and live with the choice you make.”  Because really, how many of us get months, or years, to make every important choice in life?

You choose to get married, it’s not just about you anymore. Even if it comes to ending it.

He says he’ll have a solid answer in like 2 weeks.  I feel sick.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if he ended up saying, I still want this to work, but I had actually gotten my shit together enough so that I could say “Sorry hun, that ship sailed”?

x

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Feeling kind of Happy…

…today.

And that worries me.  Did someone finally get sick of my perpetual emo state and slip an upper into my coffee?  Does it mean that I have finally mastered denial?  Have I totally lost my shit?

Was feeling ok enough to clean up my hovel house today, and I feel better for doing it.  It’s nice to be able to walk around barefoot without being scared.  I also brushed my hair.  Fuck, I’m good.

Craig is coming up tomorrow to talk to me.  I almost feel like I won’t totally go to pieces.  I feel brave enough to tell it like it is to him, and I think if he can’t deal – ie gets angry, disrespectful, tries to twist my words – I have the right to ask him to leave.  I will not put myself through what usually happens again.  Not worth it.

Although, I could be in a totally different frame of mind by tomorrow.

I just feel like things will be ok.  Might take awhile, but one day I’ll look back on all this and it won’t hurt like it does now.

x

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Being a mummy….

It’s hard at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my kid.  But my god, they make things complicated.

And I didn’t sign up to do this alone….I never, ever thought I’d be a single mum.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a committed parent, that I adore B-man, that I obsess over doing the best I can for him, that I don’t want to be the type of parent I had.  Either type.  It seems like the cycle is starting to repeat though.  Cruel genetic fate, I once heard it termed.

I’d never leave him.  But for the first time, I am finding it less easy to judge my mother so harshly for leaving.  I can see how she justified it to herself…..and how her life was easier.  And maybe mine and my brother’s lives too.  Is that horrible?

Having to make arrangements for weekend visitations, hearing Bailey ask again and again if Daddy can come home, dealing with everything by myself…..is killing me.

Of course I’ll get it together, I have to.  But god, so many sacrifices.

Apologies for the incoherent word vomit.

I feel like I’m standing in a room where a bombs landed….and there’s just…nothing…..ruins.

This life is over, and I have to start a new one.  I don’t have my health.  I can’t ride, I don’t know when I’ll be able to, and I have THREE horses, all in different places.  I have cancer, that I’m now avoiding treatment for, ignoring phone calls from the hospital because I just. can’t. cope.  Not this week.

I have less than nothing, because I’m in debt, with responsibilities.

I’m almost tempted to let Craig have the house, take my name off the title, start over with nothing. Sell the horses, bar one, sell my gear, float, car, just give up and be a stereotypical single mum, who’s life is her kid, school runs, snotty noses, homework, nits.  Something stops me though, so maybe life will get better.

My father would be homicidal-y angry, my whole trust fund is in this house.  But I’m pretty sure its not even worth what we owe on it, the way the market is.

I don’t know what to do…..

Fuck.

x

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The Place

I was there for 5 nights last week, and it was…soothing…

It felt right.  But maybe it was just because I was ‘taking a break’.

I feel like I’ve lost my instincts.  I’ve always lived according to gut feelings, and now they change every couple of days.  I know I shouldn’t be making decisions that can’t be unmade, but unfortunately life won’t just pause until I can get it together.

I’m so angry at Craig.  I can’t understand how he can think it is acceptable to treat me like this when we have been through so much together.  I feel like he has absolved himself of all feeling towards me and all responsibility towards our marriage.

I think I have done all I can do and I am starting to feel that maybe I have done too much, been too understanding, too quick to blame myself.  I’ve never been as self-centered as he is able to be.  I’d never think it was acceptable to tell him that I’d ‘let him know’ when I’d had enough time to decide if I wanted to stay in our marriage.

I wouldn’t string someone along like he has been doing to me and Bailey.  Especially not someone I married.

I love him alot but I need to love myself aswell.

x

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Letting Go

I….just….can’t.  I feel sick at the thought of actually moving on and having a life without Craig.  I fantasize fairly constantly about him suddenly changing back into someone I can be with and wanting me back.  I put pillows in his side of the bed, so it feels like I’m sleeping next to him.  I constantly torture myself with all the promises he made me, all our plans for the future….

I know it’s pathetic.  I know how it looks to my friends and family, especially to those who think it was over a couple of months ago when he left and that that was the worst of it. Maybe it should have been.  I just can’t get my head around what’s happened when we started so well.

Oh take me back to the start……..

x

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This is why I….

drink.

Everytime I have this thought, I’m going to take the time to acknowledge it, think about it, write it down, and change it.

I don’t want to be an alcoholic.  I’m not one, I don’t think.  I don’t drink everyday. I don’t/ won’t drink in front of my son.

But I feel like I could have the capacity to become one.  Because I tend to rely on alcohol when life is tough.  Sometimes thinking about being able to write myself off Friday night is what gets me through the week, through treatment, through crying myself to sleep, through Craig acting like I don’t exist, through Bailey asking about Daddy.  Through saying goodbye to pets, through not being able to ride AGAIN, through nightmares, through saying goodbye to Bailey.

And I’m so angry at myself.  Because I am smart. I do know better.  I’ve seen the effects of dependency. I really truly believe that drinking is the biggest problem in australian culture.

But it’s so nice to just give myself a break from reality….

x

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