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Archive for February, 2011

I think, I know.

It really bugs me when people act like they ‘know’ something as a fact, but really, its just an opinion.  I’ve always felt this way, and I usually manage to just deal, by thinking each to their own etc. And I’m fully aware that my vague airy- fairy type answers and opinions really annoy alot of people too.

I just feel that if you don’t question yourself you are more likely to get it wrong. Like if you just assume that you are ‘right’ it kind of closes your mind off to other possibilities. I also consider it disrespectful to others to not even consider their views.  When someone asks my opinion I very rarely even say “you should…”, rather I say “I think you should…” or “I would…”.  Anyway.  I think it’s supremely arrogant for someone to just assume they know better than someone else.

So we’re off to my grandparents beach house today, in the same suburb I grew up in.  I remember living down there and just hating it, and wanting to move so badly.  But now I quite like going back.  I miss quite alot about living down there, mostly the beach and the lifestyle that goes with it.  I miss how comfortable I used to feel, I’ve never quite felt the same up here.  I think we’ll move back to the the coast one day, especially now that Craig is into fishing.  I don’t want to give up the horses though, so we’ll have to live far enough out of the metro area for land to be available and somewhat affordable.  Won’t happen for a while, but something to look forward to 🙂

x

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Sex….

Yes, ‘that’ is what I’m actually going to write about.  If you feel uncomfortable, or if you actually know me, or both, feel free to hit that back button now.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you 🙂

I really love sex.  Honestly, I’d say it has to be about my favourite thing to do. I’ve always – well not *always*, you know what I mean – been pretty forward about it, and I’d guess I’ve had more sexual partners than the average.  What is the average?  Anyone know?

Anyway sexuality is a huge part of my life. And in the last few years, it’s gotten complicated. Since I’ve put on some weight (read – like 50% of what I started out at) I kind of feel like I don’t have the ‘right’ to be sexual anymore.  Because sex is only for beautiful women right? I know it’s completely ridiculous.  If any of my friends said they were feeling like this I’d be the first to say that sex is an expression of love, that it has nothing to do with your size, that men generally aren’t critical by nature, etc etc. But that’s how i feel.

So now, instead of dressing up, I dress down.  Instead of wearing clothing that makes me feel good, I wear what makes me feel sexually neutral.  Instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself, I go into a neurotic downward spiral.  What it all comes down to, is that I don’t feel like I am good enough.  The interesting thing is that the actual sex is still good – great.  It’s just in my head that it gets all messed up.  And I feel like I’ve lost something precious, and that I shouldn’t need to lose weight to get it back.

So as of tomorrow I’m going to start being nicer to myself.  Instead of thinking about how fat I am,  I’m going to remember the last compliment someone gave me.  Instead of thinking ‘why bother making an effort, I’ll still be fat’, I’m going to put make-up on.  It seems a bit defeatist to be kind to everyone except myself.

x

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Just friends?

So, I was just chatting to a close friend about having opposite sex friends. Is it possible for a man and a woman to be close friends and have there not be anything else to it? It does seem to be unusual once you get into your 20’s for some reason, and even more unusual if you are also married or in a close relationship. Most men I’ve asked say that if they are are being totally honest there is usually some attraction in a close friendship. Most women say there’s not, or there doesn’t have to be. But would they admit to it if there was?

I have one close male friend. We went to school together and I just adore him. I’d really like to see more of him than I do, but we both have other halves and kids, live a couple of hours apart, and he works away. Because we don’t actually see too much of each other, my husband – erk! scary word – hasn’t met him yet. He’s a bit uneasy with our friendship and I can’t honestly say I blame him. Basically, I wouldn’t like it or be comfortable with it if our situations were reversed. And I think I tend to over-share with my friend a bit, there’s not much we haven’t discussed. And we do have a small amount of ‘history’.

However. Yep, I’m going to try to justify the double standards. However, I have reason to have trust issues with Craig. He doesn’t have any reason to have trust issues with me. No he’s never cheated or done anything of that ilk, but I have found that a breakdown of trust in one area tends to seep into all areas of your relationship. So I justify the fact that I am allowing myself to do something that I wouldn’t be happy with him doing, by saying ‘I have been perfectly trust worthy in ALL ways all through this relationship, so its ok for me to do this, and he hasn’t been, so it wouldn’t be ok for him’. Really fair hey? I think what it comes down to is that if Craig suddenly developed a close friendship with some girl, I’d pretty much just have to put up with it. I wouldn’t though.

The other thing is that I’m not really close to alot of people. Craig’s relationship with his family isn’t perfect but he has sisters he can talk to as friends. My family situation isn’t like that. I have a few close friends and a whole heap of acquaintances. Plus my wonderful grandmother.  I tend to lose touch with people alot, and I find it hard to relate to people in the first place. I like my friend because if I don’t feel like bothering with small talk, it’s absolutely fine with him. I guess I’m more of a d&m type person than a chit chat one? So when I really truly connect with someone, it’s quite exciting.

My friend has it made with her guy friend – he’s her husbands good mate, so he’s fine with it, and there’s no history.  Sounds pretty awesome hey?

x

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Back!

So we’re back from our US/ Canada trip.  It was so so awesome! Just wow….so diverse and much more different to here than I imagined.  People on the whole were alot friendlier, and I felt generally safer which was unexpected!  I’d honestly live somewhere in north america if I could wrangle it…one day for sure….

We got married while we were over there, in Vegas of course.  So so so much fun, and really took some of the ‘being married’ anxiety away for me. I don’t know why it made so much difference, we have been together 8 years, have a 3 yr old son, a mortgage etc. But I still felt really anxious about the formalities.  I think its this whole ‘ideal wife’ idea I have in my head, actually she kind of seems like my friend Sheree *waves*, which I most definitely am not. But anyway, I’m liking being married at the moment. And kind of starting to feel somewhat enthused about the ‘actual’ wedding, in November.

The other event I wanted to write about is my grandfather dying :(. He died 8 days before we left for our trip, and it was awful. It was a Friday night and the phone rang, I immediately knew something was wrong when I picked up, because even though the call was from my grandparents house, my uncle Brett was on the line. When he told me that my ‘Minuck’ (my name for him) had died I wasn’t really surprised, even though it was sudden. He’d just looked so unwell and hadn’t really bounced back after his surgery properly. Although to be brutally honest, he didn’t really try and that made me so angry. Didn’t he know how much we all needed him?

He was a wonderful man. He loved Bailey like you wouldn’t believe, and was always saying what a ‘lateral thinker’ he is. He was a farmer, wheat and sheep, but left the land he knew and loved because my grandmother couldn’t handle it, and he loved her more. He was a fantastic father to his 2 kids and a brilliant father figure to many more. He gave everyone nicknames and would get grumpy when you didn’t know who he was talking about. Mine was Flossy. He’d give money to anyone who really needed it. I miss him terribly, but he is still one of the positive influences on my life.

x

 

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