Archive for April, 2012

No, not that number.

I mean the number you’d like to get to, need to get to, or the amount of time that would allow you to get things done, the important things… Finish what you’ve started maybe.

Mine is 20 years, so 46.

Old enough for my son to understand that his mother loved him. For him to have morals, some direction in life, and hopefully a shit-ton of resilliance.

Old enough to outlive the animals I have now.

Not old enough to have all the boring ordinary life adventures I’d like, but old enough to fulfill my responsibilities.

Gone are dreams of travelling the world, of helping people, exploring different cultures, riding horses until my legs don’t work anymore, of ‘making peace’ with my parents, of grandchildren, of a full life.

I…just….want to live….I guess, long enough to do what I feel I need to, and anything else seems greedy to ask for.

I need to raise my son, and there isn’t anyone else I would trust to. My grandmother, if she was my mother’s age, maybe. A few years ago, even eighteen months ago, I would have said his father without a doubt.

The thought makes me sick now, burns like acid. I don’t want my son to be anything like him, or his family. I don’t know, maybe he’d man up and become a decent father if he had to, but I can’t rely on that.

And this is where I realise I don’t hate myself as much as I think – I think I’m what’s best for Bailey, and I want him to have all my good points -my brain, my morals, my strength. I want him to be somewhat like me, without the layer of trauma and illness. If I really truly hated myself, I’d choose someone else to raise him over myself. Right?

I obsess over this, when I get less-than-perfect test results, and I don’t know why I bother –¬†because the result is always the same, I just have to live and that’s it. No other option. I’m determined. I weigh up the odds, disect results and statistics,¬†consider the chances of something other than illness taking my life, drive carefully, think about the horses I choose to throw a leg over, how we live.

And you know what?

I don’t think it makes one iota of difference.



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I love Easter long weekend.

The weather always seems to break…I love the first lot of heavy rain, seeing tiny green shoots…it always feels like a new beginning.

Reminds me of the possibilities in life, and that nothing stays the same, nothing is static.

I really need that right now.

I lost a friend this week, and the world will be less wonderful without him.  He was 32 and I met him in the chemo room a few years ago. He moved interstate last year to be with his family, after going into remission and re asessing what he wanted out of life.

He did what I did, didn’t tell everyone that he was sick. I understand his reasons, I just wish I had been able to support him.

I don’t know what you can really say to someone dying though, and I guess he knew that, knew how hard I’d find it.

He wrote me a letter, and I feel sick at the thought of reading it. But I’m so glad he did. And grateful and humbled and amazed at his strength.

Rest Easy Will.


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