Seeya 2011!

What a ride.

This year I gained a husband, lost a husband, battled cancer and ptsd, had a miscarriage, and pretty much went off the deep end.

I’ve lost a few friends, but I’ve also gotten closer with some of my dearest, and learnt how much people will help me when I need it. I’ve also made some brand spanking new friends, including one who already feels like a forever friend 🙂

I’ve made some horrendous errors in judgement, but I’ve also managed to keep my head above water and do what’s needed to be done. Mostly. And when I wasn’t able to, I managed to ask for help. And that is hard for me.

I’ve learnt a hell of a lot. Not all of it stuff I wanted to know.

I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions.

I think ‘Just Keep Swimming’ is enough for now.

Especially after last week.

I’m not ok, but I’m taking steps to get back to ok.

I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas, and Happy New Year my friends xoxox

x

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Shattered

Is where I’m at right now.

I’m past the being able to verbalise it stage. Theres so many people I could talk to while I’m down here, so many old friends who I know would happily put their lives aside for me right now, if I could be honest about where I’m at.

Where I’m at, is fucked. I can‘t think of one thing that would make it better. I was supposed to be here 2 nights, 3 days and I’ve been here 8 nights.  I feel scared to go home.

I’ve pretty much run away.

I can’t get out of my own head though.

So I play beach cricket with Bailey while tears build behind dark glasses.  I grab nothing but his hand and we walk barefoot over the dunes, and I’m grateful for the simplicity here.

Craig comes down, we argue horribly, round and round. I eventually snap, mentally, and everything is fuzzy and I’m scared of myself. I feel like I might get some relief if I can get out of the house but he won’t let me.  I realize what I really want, at that moment, is to die.

That is fucking terrifying to me, I know exactly what suicide does.  I’ve seen it close up, in minute detail and I don’t care. 

Obviously, I’m still here.

If there was someone I could leave Bailey with, that would raise him in a way I am comfortable with, I don’t know if I would be.

I wasn’t even thinking of that at the time, but that’s my mindframe today.

Anyway I was upset enough to snap Craig out of his fucking bubble, and that is saying something.  We sit on the balcony while I sob and claw at my skin and try to quiet the rushing in my ears.  Eventually I’m quiet and outside of my mind and I can think in abstract coagulating thoughts.

He promises me everything will be fine, we’ll work out.

We make love and I come back to myself a little, my whole body aches as I drift off.

I wake up to him kissing my forehead and saying he’s going to work, and my eyes have filled with tears before I’ve even opened them. He didn’t ask if I was ok, left me alone with Bailey when I’d been totally off the fucking wall just hours before.

I lie there until I realise I really can’t make the decision to get out of bed, try to call Craig twice, he doesn’t pick up. Bailey gets up and I start feeling a little panicky but it’s still not enough to motivate me.

I tell Bailey he can have biscuits for breakfast and he comes and sits in bed with me, getting crumbs everywhere, and I don’t care.  I think desperately of the beach, horses, I stare at my child, and drift back into sleep for another 2 hours. When I awake I’m ok, fragile, but I think I want to live. 

I’m scared now, knowing that can change.

I get up, walk to the fridge and dump a jugful of icy water over my head.  We go to the beach and draw in the sand and I feel desperate, and I don’t want to be anywhere.

 *****

When we return, there’s 6 missed calls from Craig. I can’t bring myself to call, but we text a little the next day -today- , I tell him how I’m feeling, how the only time I’ve felt suicidal is over his behaviour, that I’m feeling pretty close to the edge and he still argues. I end up saying that this isn’t worth Bailey not having a mother, that I love him but won’t engage with him until something major changes, and asked if all this would matter to him if I was dead.

Melodramatic, I know.

I guess he should, be happy, he’s gotten what he seemed to want, an open non-ending, where nothing is resolved, and he can comfort himself with the knowledge that he was ‘still trying’ and that I’m clearly the one with mental instability 😉

x

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Taking Time

This feels too hard, already.

I’m not sure what to say, except I am going through some stuff right now, and I just need a bit of time. I am doing what I have to, and that feels too hard.

Apologies to all my ‘blog-friends’, I know I haven’t been commenting etc, I will be right back with you when life settles 🙂 Thankyou so much to those of you who have offered me support, guidance and empathy this year. The genuine warmth I feel from virtual strangers, mostly on the other side of the world never fails to give me hope for society.

To the very few ‘real-life friends’ who read this, thankyou for hanging in there with me this year.  I’m sorry I have fallen a little off the radar lately, my brain is just fried and I am struggling. I’m sorry if I said I’d call you back, email you and then didn’t.  I’m sorry if I haven’t seemed interested, have forgotten your birthday, or just been uncaring. I do care, and of course I’d pull myself together if anyone really needed me.  It’s just….hard….right now, to even follow a conversation.  Small talk, idle chit chat just feels so distant and unrelatable.  I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone, and smiling and nodding is about the best I can do, until someone presses a little harder, digs deeper, and I just want to spew out a barrage of emotions and fears and information that is best left for therapy, not that I say much there, either.

I want to be back to myself, and I am trying, but please don’t be too disappointed in me if I fail.  And if you are, maybe keep it to yourself.  I know I have disappointed a few people this year who have told me so, and I’m sure there are a few more who haven’t told me so. And there are the few who have pretty much cut me off completely, but that happens, and really it’s preferable to being told ‘pull your socks up’, ‘get it together’ or ‘I thought you were better/stronger/tougher than this’.  And I’m not going to start with the ‘you should’ statements.

Theres not much anyone could say that I haven’t said to myself a thousand times over, but it still hurts.  And I do know how frustrating it can be watching someone seemingly make alot of painful choices, but you never really know how they’re feeling, the entire circumstances, and the effect you could have.

Anyway, now I’m just rambling.  Long story short, anything that has been said or done with the right intent I have appreciated immensely, even if I haven’t shown it. Anything said with a layer of judgement, condescension, selfishness or superiority I haven’t 🙂

If nothing else, I know who my true friends are now.  And I’m grateful 🙂

*******

So Craig said he wanted to come home, pretty much as soon as I completely gave up.

Life is funny like that.

I feel like I’m the one who needs some time now.  How does 8 fucking months sound to start with, while he tries to come up to my impossible standards?

It’s what I wanted, not in the way I wanted, and maybe too late….

Of course I’ll end up trying, I’m such a fucking optimist like that.

Or maybe I’m not, anymore….

x

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Take 2…

At being single.

*sigh*

The ‘talk’ didn’t really go that well, but I think I handled myself ok.  He kept trying to avoid and put me off, I kept reiterating that that behaviour is exactly what I’m not putting up with anymore.  I don’t think he understands that how he has been acting, stringing me along etc, is really over the top.  Really didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, and seemed to feel that I was being unreasonable after allowing him EIGHT MONTHS to either get his shit together or tell me it’s over.

Whatever, he doesn’t control me anymore.  By that I mean, I’m not letting his shitty behaviour dictate my life now. 

Of course I am upset and I wish things had gone differently, but that’s to do with him, not me. Actually upset is an understatement, I feel awful, heartbroken, sick over it, and I am so angry and frustrated with him and myself, that I want to be self-destructive.  I want to smoke, drink, put myself in dangerous situations, do anything in excess to get away from this.  I feel like I can’t stay in my body, I want to rub myself in broken glass. I want to hook up with some guy just for meaningless sex. 

I won’t though.

Because I can do this.

x

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Tonight…

I’m going to tell Craig that I’m done with this pretending to be married when it suits him only, done with him treating me however he likes, done with rewarding his passivity by welcoming him back when he decides to rock up and throw a few relationship crumbs my way.

I’m not totally giving up on the relationship, just leaving it with him.  And I know I’ve been here before, but I’m stronger now, I hope.  And I don’t have anyone waiting in the wings to catch me for probably the first time in my life.

I’m not going to lie. Well, not here anyway.  I hope like hell he has some kind of epiphany on how to treat people, realises what he has put me through, does something awesome to make up for it and then we live happily ever after.

I know the chances are about 1736.562 trillion to 1, but hope floats.

I love him, but I need to love myself too.

And this is bullshit.

And I’m not coping, and have told him that.  Clearly didn’t mean too much to him, because here we are.  At the end of my fucking tether, with my brain about to explode out of my ears.

I have made myself sick over this, I have tried every approach from just waiting, to making ultimatums, to counselling to sort all my issues out, to being so fucking nice I make myself sick (because he can’t handle arguments) no matter how uncaring he is, to telling him straight exactly what I/ we need, to begging asking him to come back, to telling him I need a decision.  If there’s a method I haven’t tried, I’d love to hear it.

And he still won’t treat me how I need, he still won’t choose to be with me and Bailey fully, and that sucks.

Sure, he has done alot of lovely things for me, always buys me things, and is basically nice.

He also left me to go through cancer alone, and then pretty much had a tanty when my lovely daycare lady inadvertently mentioned that Bailey had spent a couple of extra days in her care, and that she was going to apply for a special grant for me.

He lied to me about another woman texting him, while I was having a miscarriage. I mean, when I was literally sitting on the couch, still bleeding, trying not to cry.

During the first conversation about said woman, we got onto talking about what we say about each other, and I said that I still say nice things about him, and asked if he’d said one nice thing about me to her, and he replied with ” I can’t really tell people what I like about you, I don’t kiss and tell”.  I was stupid enough to continue the conversation and he ended up saying “What? You’re a good fuck. It’s a compliment.” And then got annoyed at me for being pissed off, because he was obviously joking.

And he never used to be like this, I swear. That is where the guilt comes from, because what if he is sick, really sick, and I am just walking away? 

I’m sick, I get help, because I don’t want to inflict it on my family. I know it is not always that simple though.

I’ve begged him to get counselling.  It’s been 8 months.  I’ve begged him to see a decent Dr, and to be honest with them.  I don’t know what else to do.

Sounds awful, but if it’s me or him, I have to choose me. And that is what this is coming down to.  To be crude, I have more balls at my worst that he does at his best, and my son needs a parent, not someone who’s fun to play with when he feels like it, and who buys him cool toys.

 Fuck, I feel sick writing this, but if I publish it, plus tell some friends, maybe I won’t back out.

*deep breath, squeeze your eyes shut, and jump*

x

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Everything fades, eventually.

If you let it.

 

This ‘thing’ with Craig, has been burning me for so long. This month is 8 months since we ‘separated’, 11 months since we got married.

But it was burning me long before that, if I’m honest with myself.  Which I’m starting to be. 

I still want him.

But as I just wrote, relationships take 2, not 1.

And I’ve just about had enough of feeling like a fucking doormat.  I’m starting to feel a bit over it, which I think is a good sign, because until now, I’ve just felt sad, dead and tired. 

Things have been better between us, lately.  I don’t think he realises it’s because I’ve just stopped expecting anything.

When you have no expectations, everything is a bonus.

He generally stays up for the weekend, and sometimes one night during the week.  He comes in on a Friday, I’m lucky if I get a hello.  No chance of a kiss or hug.  The last two weeks, I asked him to grab Bailey from daycare so I could have one night where I can go to work a bit later and not have to worry about coordinating daycare pickup, work hours and trying not to bring the horses in when it’s still really hot.

He sighs, says he’s tired from work.

I say, but he’s expecting you, he gets excited on Fridays because he knows you’re picking him up.

Alright, whatever.

Bailey loves his Daddy, idolises him, and that breaks my heart.

 

*****

Having said all that, things usually pick up on the Saturday.  And I enjoy his company, and we have fun together.

I don’t know if what I feel is love anymore.

I think I want to stop fighting, let it fade, and see what happens.

Either he’ll pick up the slack, or he wont.

He won’t, I already know that.  But I want him to.

‘and I’m weeping, warm honey and milk’

 He won’t, and it’ll fade out, and that’s ok.

I’ll be ok.

x

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Stuff I’ve learnt…

this year…

As this year, which has been wonderful to me, draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the clusterfuck that was 2011.  More specifically, the lessons I’ve learnt from said clusterfuck.

1.  Relationships take 2 people, not one. Two.

Ok, I am still coming to terms with this one, but I am edging towards acceptance. There is only one person whose behaviour I can alter. Guess. No, not Craig.

2.  There are better ways to cope with life than falling into a bottle.

Because it makes your skin awful, and gives you a headache on top of everything else. And you still have to cope with everything you were trying to escape anyway.  When I feel like I really need a drink, is specifically when I shouldn’t have eight one. Annoying, huh?

3.  During cancer treatment is not the best time to start a degree.

4.  Sometimes, you can sleep with someone, have it be fun and then still be close friends afterwards.  Not often though.  So I’m still not doing it again. I figure I’ve had my ‘grace period’ on this.

5.  When you’re ‘still in love’ is not the best time to start a new relationship.

Even if you insist on ‘not labelling it’ and that it’s ‘just a bit of fun’.  Not my best move, but I know better now.  And yes, the guilt is still killing me.  Sorry Random Guy.  Hope he finds someone.

6.  Sometimes, shit just happens. And there’s nothing you can do except roll with it.

7.  Post-traumatic stress is a bitch.  A horrible mind-altering whore. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s over shit that happened last week, or 8 fucking years ago.  Maybe it’s worse this way, considering the huge amount of energy I spent holding my mind together all this time.  And now I still have to deal, which is what I was trying to avoid that whole fucking time.

2012 is going to rock so hard.  And by rock so hard, I mean hopefully be boring, and the year my health picks up. And the year I can have nanna-naps while B-man’s at school. Yeah, that rocks.

x

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