Archive for April, 2015

So, yeah. Still here.

I traipsed around this week. I found a new friend, she’s kinda like me, but then my total opposite, and we drove down south, down the coast a bit. Wandered around the forest. Lost the car keys at the beach. Smoked. Drank.

Fuck it.

I’m not this perfect mother but I keep it together ok. Sometimes I am this perfect mother, and I make vegetarian meals from scratch, we do yoga and read and have a house full of kids and I love every one of them, really. Being around children is so healing and simplistic and just…light. I know life means something, and I just have to find it. I’ve always been quiet, serious, and then not. By contrast, my son is just this eternally happy soul, bubbly and funny and he shines. But he’s me, and I worry. So much.

It’s this obsession that has lead me to the realisation that I should see someone, that being scared of the health system isn’t enough of a reason not to any more. I worry that something awful will happen to him, that he’ll become a drug addict, that something will go wrong on a week like this one, when he’s with his father and I’m not there to control every situation. I’ve dreamt of his funeral, of him growing up and talking about me in therapy. It’s a cruel irony that he slept through the night at two weeks old, this tiny baby, and has ever since, but I would check him four times a night.

I did take some painkillers, about half an hour ago, I think they make me run on a bit.

Anyway, yeah, I annoy myself with all this. I beat up on myself, get over it, at your age this is embarrassing, lose some fucking weight, whatever. If it was that easy don’t you think I would?

Sometimes I feel like, if I figured out exactly where it all went wrong, and how to fix it, time would kinda invert and roll back on itself, and I’d get a do-over.

I have to let it go, again and again.

Ash x

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