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Archive for October, 2013

My brain has been so weird lately.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what I’d like to do next, and nothing is fitting. I kind of have to go ‘home’, up the hill, because Craig is willing to sign it over to me and I can only get a loan as a single parent with health issues for that particular property, as a way to have a solid home base for Bailey. And we have to be living there.

Trying to make a life plan that includes allowances for illness, but enough money for us to have a decent lifestyle, with me not able to work all the time…this is challenging stuff.

I fantasize about arts degrees or fostering children or writing or being a drug dealer or being well enough to do something physical outside. I get accepted into the perfect (fun, creative writing and journalism) degree without the relevant pre-requisites on the strength of a personal essay but then realise I don’t have the brain space to follow it through.

I think about what I’d do if I knew for sure I had 5 years, 10 years, 40 years.

And then I think, fuck it, it will sort itself out.

So I start thinking about other things. I walked through the supermarket the other day, on autopilot, and all of a sudden it felt like the most alien experience. I actually looked at people and wished I could connect with them. and a part of me wanted to interrupt their conversations about weather, money, their partners annoying habits. I want to ask them if they believe in God, when was the last time they cried, do they believe in love or think that it’s a chemical reaction, are they doing what they want with life.

I don’t know.

Like I said, weird brain. I don’t give a shit about what you’re having for dinner, how you wish these cold nights would ease up, which political party you support. I want to know something real.

*****

And, an update.

Everything is still ok here, I’ve been sick – not dramatic sick but just mediocre, feeling generally shitty and exhausted kind of sick. I’ve been wanting to sleep 16 hours a day – anyone who knows me would know my usual stance on sleep, I’ve always struggled to get six hours. I feel like my mind and body have finally said ‘enough’. And that’s not a bad thing.

I haven’t been here, I’ve had this headache just on one side for like…weeks…and screen time seems to make it worse. I should be dropping some medications this weekend so I’m hoping that eases it, because I really would like to get more into blogging, and aim for something like 3 posts a week :). While I’m having a good day I’m going to go and check out all of your blogs – I always miss you guys when I have a break.

The weather has warmed up, so we’ve been getting in some beach time 🙂

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Crappy iPhone photos, but you get the idea.

Ash x

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