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Archive for January, 2013

Grief

Kids always amaze me with how well, how…effectively…they grieve, and my son is no exception. Saturday was ‘Australia Day’ and we lost a family member.
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He had been missing a few days, and I knew that he would never not come home if he could, but I couldn’t help hoping…we’d been out calling, asking people, taking the dogs to look for him…

I woke up early and had this feeling I should have another quick walk around while Bailey was watching tv. I found poor Simba laying on his side a few meters from the house, and he looked like he’d been hit by a car a few days before, hid somewhere and then dragged himself home to die :'(.

We have a lot of animals and love them all, and growing up we always had 3 or 4 cats on rotation…but Simby was extra special. He was bossy and opinionated and an amazing mouser. He was very much my cat, except for a when I brought puppies home and he chose Bailey as his sidekick for a few weeks, making sure I knew he was not pleased and I would be shunned.

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I tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he wasn’t having it…gradually I stopped worrying about him, he always seemed to be in calling range, climbing trees and playing with the dogs.

Of course I wish I’d kept him in now šŸ˜¦

When I told Bailey he cried a little, then asked to see him. I had covered him with a blanket so I just pulled it back enough so he could see it was SimbaĀ underneath. When we came back in he cried for a couple of hours, all curled up with our other cat Zazu… We buried him and he covered his body with flowers and said ‘I will miss you so so much Simby, and I loved you even when you were so naughty’

He was naughty too, a real shit of a cat. His favourite game was to wait on top of a door for Bailey to walk underneath, to then jump on him so heavily he would fall over.

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‘Simba you are not my friend! You’re not allowed in my room forever!’

Of course Bailey’s been a bit quiet, but now a couple of days later he says he still misses him but feels ok, because Simba had a good life and ‘we can still love him, we just can’t pat him and give him food now’.

He’s absolutely right.

x

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A manly man.

A man who comes across strong, but who can also be sensitive. Someone who is openly affectionate. Muscles and (tasteful) tattoos would be a plus.

I want a man with laugh-lines, nice teeth and sparkly eyes. A man with a sense of humor, who can string a sentence together.

I’m not going to have one though, because deep deep down I really don’t want it for Bailey. I just…without judging anyone…I don’t agree with blended families. I’ve never seen one, that as a child, I’d want to be a part of. As a child from a ‘previous relationship’ anyway.

Seriously, never, and I just can’t imagine it feeling right.

Add to that the fact that I’m not willing (and possibly not able) to have another child, I don’t think I have it in me to be a half-decent step-parent… Most decent men in my age range have young kids, or want some.

I do wonder, if this is why things get worse with how I feel about Craig instead of better, because even though I pretend sometimes… I know in my heart I’m not going to make it work with anyone else. For at least another 15 years anyway.

Sucks for me. I don’t need a relationship…but sometimes I’d like one. Put simply, I like men. I love that guy smell, strong arms, holding hands. I love the strength that good men radiate.

Maybe I’m wrong, and I’ll fall head over heels for someone who suits me, and we’ll work it out together. I very much doubt it, but stranger things have happened :).

It won’t happen until I actually separate properly from Craig though… and really it’s time to anyway. I can’t go on like this. It’s killing me. After the last few weeks…I want to write him a letter…stating everything that’s happened between us…how badly he’s hurting me with this back and forth, maybe, maybe not. How I feel when he watches me go through cancer alone…sleeps with me, and leaves. And I’ll ask him to leave me alone unless something changes with him, and I know that he will and that’s terrifying.

Fuck.

*****

I had tests last week after spending most of the week before at the hospital…we had some pretty extreme heat here and I just didn’t cope with the vomiting and ended up really dehydrated and just sick.

My results were better than expected -cautiousĀ smile- so I’m quietly relieved about that šŸ™‚

Bailey got to go to a wedding – he had a rad time apparently…I threw up in a potplantĀ outside waiting for him to get off the dancefloor. It was at the Sheridan…how classy of me…

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Much love

x

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The other night I took Bailey’s dog to the beach, and we sat quietly while I thought about change.

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I haven’t been having the best week. I’ve been sick and tired, feeling like I might have made a mistake coming here…just missing being able to have some semblance of a normal (to me) life, I guess.

And it’s been stupidly hot…I don’t really do heat.

Craig has Bailey this week, and that’s probably a good thing…I was going to try to totally organise the house while he’s not here, but that hasn’t happened. I miss him horribly but it’s nice to just sleep when I can, eat when I feel like it and not have to put up a happy front for him when I’m feeling awful.

Now that my illness is more out in the open I am reminded why I wanted to keep it quiet. I’m over people ringing me and having a stress attack if they don’t get me. I’m over being asked about tests and treatments and being told to visualise. I just want to left alone most of the time, I don’t have the energy for small talk.

And honestly I don’t feel like making an effort for many people. My close friends, who have been there for me whether I’m sick or just stressed or doing great or making bad life choices or whatever…yes. Of course. Because it’s not hard work. The majority of my family…not so much. I’m over being judged on how I manage my health and my life.

I don’t care much at all anymore, I just can’t be bothered with pointless conversations and pretending. Which is great, because what other people think used to weigh on me so heavily, and I’d feel sick with anxiety about doing something ‘not the norm’ or that wouldn’t suit other people.

What’s happened in my life over the last couple of years has changed me, and not all of it is for the worse, not at all. I’m so strong when I have to be now… normal everyday stress barely touches me. Which can make it hard(er) to relate to people but on the whole I’m a lot …not happier yet… more centered or at peace or just aware of what really matters and what I want.

Or something šŸ™‚

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I’ve decided to just write this year, because it’s something I’ve always loved but struggled to make time for with working and riding. I’d like to do a couple of workshops or short courses. I’ve started a novel and I’m trying to have a little faith in myself…I’d love to even get a short story or article published, even if it’s in one of those free newspapers ;).

I’ve got nothing to lose.

My great-grandfather told me I’d be a writer, a couple of weeks before he died. He said ‘God told him’, after he’d been resuscitated. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in signs, and that has flashed into my mind a few times…I think it was probably the only serious thing he ever said to me.

I’ve had a lot of encouragement from teachers, lecturers, friends but I’ve never had the confidence to actually try very hard. Now I just think why not?

šŸ™‚

x

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omg omg

Just a really really quick post…the thing in my brain…it’s not a tumor.

When he told me I actually swayed…the level of relief made me feel like I was going to throw up.

It’s a cyst thing…I’m a bit fuzzy on details…I got stuck when they said it wasn’t cancer, had nothing to do with cancer…was something to keep an eye on but not dangerous…I’m still there.

I keep feeling sick with anxiety, which had just become my default state I guess, and then I remind myself and feel weak at the knees…

:)xxx

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