Craig, Craig, Craig.

Like a song stuck in my head, that I can’t stop humming, round and round.

I guess it’s become habit to pine for him.

You know how people always say, ‘You regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do’ or something along those lines? I find I’m the opposite, I have some real regrets over actions I’ve taken, but there’s not heaps that I feel I should have done when I had the chance.

I’ve had a pretty full life so far I guess. Lots of experiences, good and bad.

But I feel like I’ll always regret things not working with Craig, always, always, always. And that I’ll never really recover from this.

I don’t feel like I can do this, not really.

And that feels like such a fucking understatement.

*****

We’ve been getting along better the last couple of weeks, maybe that’s why I miss him more instead of less.  He’s picked up with Bailey, and it seems like there’s a little less distance between him and the 19 year old I fell in love with.

Maybe it’s just being away from me that’s improved his personality and attitude.

Is it possible that this whole thing was just my issues, my drama?

x

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Guilt and Shame, Shame and Guilt

I don’t know how to shake it off.

I’m so ashamed of myself, ashamed of my life. I feel so much guilt over, well…everything.

Today in therapy we spoke briefly about the ‘honouring what you did to survive’ approach, and I just..don’t…can’t… get it. I’m ashamed for coping the way I did, the way I am.

I’m ashamed for being a fairly typical ‘childhood sexual abuse survivor’.

I don’t think I’ve done anything so averagely, so textbook in my whole life, especially while trying not to.

And fuck that pisses me off.

I feel guilty for being raped, feel ashamed, feel like I shouldn’t say no to sex, and all of that is to be expected.

Sometimes I just hate myself.

I know logically what happened wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my choice. I know logically that people react in different ways to things. But at what point does ‘reaction’ become ‘choice’? We can choose how we react to some degree, yes? But to what degree are our choices influenced by our environment, our experiences, our stories?

Realising how typical I am in so many ways, I guess it’s made me question the affect all of the ‘trauma’ – not just the abuse – has had on my life, my decisions. A few years ago, I would have said ‘  Very little ‘, or even ‘ I don’t think what’s happened would really qualify as trauma ‘.

I don’t believe that anymore, not at all…

And the big questions – What would my relationships be like if I wasn’t so…damaged…? Would I have been able to hold my marriage together? Would I have even gotten married?

Would my child have a better chance of growing up mentally healthy? Of having a stable life, an appropriate childhood? Would he be having these adjustment issues with school?

Will he remember the time we went outside at night to sing ‘Twinkle twinkle’, or the time I snapped at him because he crept up behind me? The day we built a cubby under the table and pretended the cat was a tiger, or the morning I couldn’t get out of bed?

 *****

I’m still single, and I’m not really seeing The Dr regularly – no particular reason really, just our lives don’t really…mesh…right now, and I’d really like to just cope with myself first. Well, ok, I won’t ‘like’ it, but I know it’s better this way.

Have a beautiful weekend my friends 🙂

x

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Annnd the other 50…

I still have no idea what to put, heh

51. I live on 2.7 acres.

52. I’m short, like 5’1ish.

53. I adore the smell of rain.

54. I love hippie type clothes, tiedye, beads, all of that.

55. I barely watch tv.

56. People always think I’m younger than I am.

57. I miss the beach.

58. I read alot, and I’m really fast.

59. I have the most awful nightmares, and regularly wake up crying or hyperventilating.

60. And that’s when I manage to get to sleep.

61. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I knew I was having a boy. No maybes.

62. I’m impulsive.

63. And impatient.

64. My favourite chocolate is Ferrero Rocher.

65. It upsets me when I’m with friends and they make judgements on other people.

66. One time I lost my brakes and power steering down this fucking big hill, and I still check my brakes constantly.

67. I just went to hang my washing out, and there’s a dead rabbit under my clothesline 😦

68. I don’t follow news. At all. It annoys people but I don’t really care.

69. I don’t like them. Never have.

70. I like a huge range of music, including some really embarrassing stuff.

71. I wear huge sunnies, mostly so people can’t see my eyes, because I always look like shit these days. Also because I’m constantly tearful.

72. Today was Bailey’s show and tell day, and all he wanted to take was a slinky.

73. I still believe in true, everlasting love.

74. I once walked in on a suicide, and it changed everything about me. Well that’s how it feels.

75. My grandfather died 14 months ago, and I still miss him horribly.

76. And Bailey still says he comes to put his blanket back on at night.

77. I love lego.

78. My mother lives in Bali, and has done for 16 years.

79. I never really feel ‘at home’.

80. I hate having photos taken, and will avoid it if at all possible.

81. One time I kicked a guy out of my car, about 40k’s from where we were going. And I didn’t go back for him.

82. I love op-shops.

83. I love snow, and would kill to live somewhere where it snows.

84. I always think I’ll enjoy camping more than I actually do.

85. I have problems killing things, even ants.

86. I don’t believe in God, and never have.

87. I thought pasta was a crop, and not just when I was little.

88. My favourite perfume was Chanel No. 5 until I was 18, now the scent makes me feel panicky.

89. I’m shy.

90. I’d like to be a counsellor.

91. I feel like I was born in the wrong decade.

92. I love having tea parties with Bailey.

93. And I was proud when he questioned having to wear a uniform to school.

94. Most people who find this blog through search terms are more interested in bestiality. Some gems include fucking horses, how to have sex with a horse, I want my dog to fuck me. Nice.

95. I swear too much, but not around Bailey. Usually.

96. I love olives.

97. I’m straight, but I wish I was bisexual.

98. White or rose gold – never yellow.

99. I’m excited about the movie ‘One for the Money’ because I love the books.

100. I’m getting fairylights for my bedroom to celebrate my singleness 🙂

x

 

 

 

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100 things

for my one hundreth post!!

Well, technically that was a couple of posts ago, but who’s counting?

1. My favourite colours are pink, and that shade between purple and blue.
2. My life just feels like total crap today, and this seemed like a good distraction.
3. My dog’s name is Alexia – Alex. She’s a border collie x kelpie.
4. She was an 18th birthday present from my grandparents.
5. ‘The Notebook‘ is one of my favourite movies, and maybe the only move I like better than the book version.
6. My favourite flowers are freesias.
7. I have one son, Bailey.
8. He’s four and a half.
9. I love angry girl music.
10. Like Hole, Alanis Morrisette, Garbage, Kelis, No Doubt.
11. My house has a green roof.
12. I can roll my tongue.
13. I have a dirty mind, and laugh at the most innappropriate things.
14. I drive a white station wagon, and I actually like it.
15. I have terrible teeth, and have spent like 12k on them.
16. This is harder than I thought it would be.
17. I love anything musk – lollies, perfume, incense….
18. I got married in Vegas.
19. We have a kitten called Simba.
20. I don’t have any tattoos, but there’s 2 I want to get that are important to me.
21. I think that having thyroid cancer actually improved my voice – I sounded too young before.
22. ‘It Girl‘ is my ringtone right now
23. on my iphone.
24. I have pink and purple streaks in my hair right now, and I love it.
25. I love mangoes.
26. I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
27. I love teen drama shows – Dawson’s Creek is the absolute best.
28. I hate it when people are late – find it really disrespectful.
29. I can’t play any instuments – the triangle is about where my talent peaked.
30. I’m 26.
31. Usually, I love Valentines Day, this year it fucking sucks.
32. I drink my coffee white with two sugars.
33. And tea black with one, or lemon and honey.
34. I’m claustraphobic. I can do lifts with deep breathing.
35. I’m the oldest of two kids, my brother is 17 months younger than me.
36. Soy-anything makes me sick.
37. I’m a rider, well on hiatus right now.
38. I have 2 horses and one pony.
39. I’d love to be a buddhist but lack motivation. Love the philosophy though.
40. I used to love spiders as a child, now I can’t even type ‘spider’ without feeling anxiety.
41. I prefer dogs to cats, but will always have both.
42. I only recently decided I love my breasts, after my son snapped an accidental boob picture and they look awesome. They also sit in the same place with or without a bra.
43. I didn’t get stretch-marks until a fortnight before I had Bailey. The midwife had just said ‘if you were going to get them, you would have by now’. I cried.
44. My curtains are green – like an earthy green.
45. My word count is 462.
46. My best friends both have red hair.
47. And I’m jealous.
48. I’m starting to like myself.
49. I love certain things about every season, but if I had to pick one, I’d pick winter.
50. I believe in ghosts.

Wow, think that’ll do for today! To be continued 🙂

x

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And after all that

It’s over anyway.

He told me last night.

I did not expect it to hurt like this after everything in the last 10 months.

It feels like the first time again, like I’ll never recover, never be able to come to terms with this.

I keep having to remind myself to breathe.

Holy fuck, how did we get here?

x

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Low

I don’t get low very often.

That’s not to say I don’t get depressed. Of course I do. I get tired, horribly so. I get sick alot.

But I don’t think I’ve ever been really truly depressed – I don’t know why.  I’m genetically predisposed to depression, I have a few medical issues that are linked to depression, plus you know – I’ve been through a bit.

I guess I’m just lucky.

I tend to lean more towards anxiety, and maybe the constant mental clicking keeps me focused, keeps me active and pushing on.

I’ve been feeling pretty fucking low this week though.

My son isn’t coping well with full-time school, and there’s so much I don’t like in the educational system, even at his very supportive little school.  I had therapy yesterday, and because I’ve been so bogged down with Craig for months I am only just starting to get to the real issues within myself and it is fucking hard.

I had to attend a meeting with someone who makes me incredibly uncomfortable, with only one other person. And there’ll be many more. My fault, well at least half my fault – I made a stupid decision with not alot of forethought.

So fucking awkward, I only hope it was at least half as bad for him.

Thank god for my friends.  I have alot of friends, some of them I am in contact with constantly, some of them come and go, some I don’t talk to often.

But every single person I consider a friend has…I don’t know how to put it…picked me up and breathed a bit of life into me…when I have desperately needed it in the last few years, and before I suppose.

They’ve stopped me from becoming bitter and cynical, and dried up.

And I’m so grateful, and I fucking love my friends – the ones who come here often, the ones I visit every couple of months, the ones who I’ve never met but write the most lovely supportive comments for me here, the ones who I rarely get a chance to see but are always around if I need a skype chat or a funny email – I don’t know what I’d do without them.

I’ll be ok, because I have my friends 🙂

x

 

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The Path of Least Resistance

 

I’ve been so upset lately, on the verge of tears a few times a day. Not tears for me, tears for my son, and that’s so much worse.

I almost wish I’d moved. I know this was the best choice I could have made, with the information I’d had available to me, but fuck this feels hard.

Isn’t that what we all do? Make what feels like the right choice at the time? But try to have a back-up in case not all is at is seems?

Would it be better for Bailey to think his Dad doesn’t put a whole lot of effort in because he can’t *really* be bothered, or because we live too far away? I know what I’d prefer him to think, for a few more years of sheltered childhood innocence anyway.

The thing is, he’s not a ‘bad’ person as such – but he’s fucking lazy, and will always take the path of least resistance. Even when it comes to his son.

When he lived here, when we lived together as a family, the path of least resistance was to be an involved father, to do daycare pickups, to work from home when I was really sick.  To leave things like thinking about schools and daycares, when to start swimming lessons, to me – but as far as the practical day to day grind goes – he was fantastic.

And so many people said how lucky I was, how lucky Bailey was, how they wished their kids’ dad’s were so involved.

I wish he hadn’t been now, I wish he’d worked away, worked long hours, been lazy and more interested in fishing and the pub than his son.

Not only would we have broken up alot sooner, but Bailey wouldn’t miss him so acutely. This just fucking sucks. When he rings to say goodnight to his Dad, he still accidentally says, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ and then has to correct himself. It’s been 10 months since Craig lived here, and Bailey still asks about him coming home.

And my heart breaks every. single. time.

 I don’t understand how Craig can know how much Bailey misses him, know that he counts down the sleeps until he sees him, and think it’s ok to cut the time they have together down even more.

God this hurts, this weight in my chest, when does it get lighter?

x

 

 

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Stuff you can only say to horse people

You look good on him!
I felt him come into my hands when I gave him his head
I need spurs and a whip to really get him going.
He’s too much for her, maybe you should get on.
He won’t come into my hands!
I didn’t recognize you in clothes!
As he comes up, lean forward and run your hands up the crest of his neck.
There’s nothing like having 17 hands between your legs.
I’m gonna get off now.
She’s such a good girl, the instant she sees me walk out of the house, she pees!
He’s a bit of a bumpy ride, just try not to grip with your thighs too much.
He needs a good 20 min to warm-up…
Relax your back, don’t pinch with your knees, go with the motion, rock your pelvis…
Don’t pump too much.

Horse Sayings That You Can Only Say In A Horse Barn:

Stop – so I can take your rubbers & chains off!
Now where did I leave that whip?!?!?!
How long of a shaft do I need for my new driving pony?
Easy there, son, you’ve gotta love on them a little bit first, before you hop up (said to the stallion)
Have any of you ever used him before? What do you think of his performance and semen quality?
Just three more to inseminate, and I’ll be done for today
Do you think he’s too big for me?
Give me your penis back – I wasn’t done cleaning it!
I need a leg up.. he’s to big to mount from the ground.
When I was younger I used to think, “The bigger the better!” Now that I’m older, I kind of like the little ones.
If he’s not ridden 5 days a week he gets cranky…
He got me off twice today.
He’s so wide- my hips ache after I ride him.

I hate it when I’m already mounted and then realize I’ve forgotten my whip and spurs.
(At the racetrack: a groom to an exercise rider) “You on me next?”
A woman was in a store describing the breastplate which has three pieces of leather. two go over the shoulders and one between the legs etc.
I’m doing that big black stallion today. Yeah, he was pretty wild last time so I’m going to have to be firm with him.
He always drops when I rub his belly
Now Honey, don’t forget to tie the kids up before you feed them
Does your boy just love to slobber all over you too?
Just crack him on the ass – that’ll get his attention!
He hasn’t figured out that he can poop and keep going yet.
I gave him his head last night and he was so receptive to it
Up, down – up, down – up, down
You need to open your thighs a little more

Horse Sayings That You Can Only Say In A Horse Barn:

Get your hands out of your crotch if you want to feel his mouth
How many babies did you have this year? – Only three, lost the fourth one, dammit. I’ll shoot for four again next year.
He looks great, hop off and let me have a go!
Let’s tease her a bit, and once she’s ready, then we’ll bring out the stud.
His natural rhythm is short and bouncy, but if you want a good ride, you have to teach him about long and deep
He needs to come under himself more…
That is way too big for her mouth to handle…..
She really drops in her back when he mounts her……..
Is she winking with her backend yet?…….
He works so much better when I carry my whip
My girlfriend was wondering after you were done with me if you could do her too?! (said to the farrier)
You know, money’s a little tight right now and I really don’t want to pay for shoes for my five-year-old this winter. Do you think it would be okay to just let him go barefoot?

 

Stolen from a horse forum I’m on, hahaha.

 

Reminds of the time I was on the phone to a friend about her gelding, and exclaimed “Sometimes you’ve just gotta ride him like you mean it!”, only to be showered with iced coffee from this eavesdropping guys nose 😛

 

x

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First Day at School

Fuck I love this kid.

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