You know what’s really annoying?

The way my reader NEVER loads here. I can only see all my subs from my iphone but can’t comment from it…can comment from my computer but can’t remember who’s entries I wanted to comment on…frustrating…does anyone else have this issue?

Injections…in my ass…I am so fucking anaemic and apparently this is ‘the best way’..OMG…

The fact that I’m suddenly a C-cup due to a hormone imbalance….from being almost a B. I always wanted boobs…but they are sore… And I need to wear a bra now. And with the awesome cleavage comes zits and random tearfulness and snappyness.

 

*****

Other than those minor, petty issues, I’m doing a lot better. I don’t want to sound all …new age…not that there is a thing wrong with that…it’s just not me….but I feel like I’m on a new path.

OMG I just wrote ‘new path’.

It’s so hard trying to explain this without sounding completely lame, but it feels important.

I’ve never ‘spoken’ about this here, but I do write somewhere else, for a very small amount of money. It started as fun, blah blah, a couple of advertisers jumped on board, 3 years later I feel like I’m selling my soul. Really. I may as well sell myself on a street corner.

Or write another 50 shades – esque novel.

This is related, bear with me.

I don’t feel good about doing it anymore, so I’m shutting it down. I don’t feel good having sex with different guys, or having sex at all really – out of a committed relationship, so I’m not going to do that anymore. Life can be a lot less complicated, if I just be good to myself

Now I can get hairy!

 

I actually LOVE some things about my life…so why fuck it up? Things are hard…and really complex right now…as you guys know…so why do I make it worse for myself? Why do I worry so much about other people – what they want and need rather than myself?

I know this is a bit of a word-vomit, I’m sorry…

I just wanted to tell you guys, and tell myself.

Is this what healing feels like?

:)x

Read Full Post »

Value

I’m not very nice to myself.

I expect my body to cope with cancer treatment, mood stabilizers, not enough fluid, take-out. With chemicals in low-quality food, sleeping pills, sugar. And then I expect it to work, ride horses, and not feel tired.

And then I drink wine all weekend, and smoke cigarettes.

And complain of a ‘splitting headache’ this morning, and say I ‘don’t understand it’ because I only had a couple of glasses.

Forgetting that those couple of glasses was at 2am, after going to the movies, eating a sundae, having a wine and cigarette with dinner, having ‘the doctor’ up the night before that, so more drinking, very little sleep.

So I take more pills to block the pain, because Bailey is coming home today. And Craig wants to talk to me about something. And animals need to be looked after, and the house is feral, and, and, and.

So I can sit here and beat myself up over it, or I can learn how to value myself a little more, and be kinder to myself tomorrow.

I love when I have a ‘aha!’ moment, and I finally feel something, instead of just knowing it.

Of course I know I should look after myself, don’t we all?

But right now I want to, I want to be good to myself and Bailey, I want to eventually feel healthy, I want to nourish myself.  I hope to hell I feel the same way tomorrow, next week, next year.

x

Read Full Post »

I have so much shit to write about. I have missed you all.

I’ve been sick, with glandular fever (mono) and pneumonia, and the other thing…not heaps of fun but I am starting to feel a little better now.

I had a birthday (27. Fuck me.), my kid got headlice on said birthday, and tried to light a fire…

My brother is up on a ‘indecent assault‘ charge, and has been suicidal. I don’t know how I feel about this yet except for maybe a bit of selfish relief that we are not close, and guilt for not being more surprised.

Everyone here (4-legged) is happy and healthy, and I feel blessed with all my fur-babies.

I’m grateful to be feeling better, and looking forward to ‘talking with’ you all more 🙂

Much love

x

Read Full Post »