Archive for November, 2011

Does anyone *really* enjoy going?  Or do most people just pretend like me?

My first mothers group experience was awful.  Bailey was a couple of weeks old and at his check-up with the dragon health nurse, she ‘suggested’ (read – guilt tripped me) that I trundle down to the local ‘Young Mums and Bubs’ group, so I could make friends with girls my age with kids around Bailey’s age.  And so that Bailey could ‘socialise’.

Because 2 week old infants do that.

So we went, and I’ll admit I wasn’t overly enthusiastic.  And I’m not always the most outgoing person, but I’ve never had a problem getting along with people and making friends.

These girls were horrible.

I consider myself one of the least judgemental people around.  But jesus.

After meeting these girls, I could kind of understand why I copped a fair bit of shit for being a young-ish mum.  They openly discussed how much they drank and smoked, and what drugs they did throughout pregnancy.  How much money and perks they were getting from the government.  How their parents could fuck off and mind their own business.

It made me so sad for these innocent bubs.  But also for these mums, who for whatever reasons, were heading down a painful road….

Needless to say I didn’t go back, instead I decided to try the other mum’s group in the area.  It wasn’t too bad.  All the other mums were 30 plus, which I didn’t have an issue with, but I did feel sort of talked down to the first time I went, but all in all it was ok until they deemed me as ‘in the group’ and felt it was ok to confess their pre-judgments on a 21 yr old with a newborn.  Who didn’t breastfeed. The horror.

Hahaha, we were a bit worried, but you obviously care for your child.  I mean, you can’t blame us, younger women do seem to have a tougher time raising kids. Look at what’s around” 

After the first mother’s group experience I didn’t feel like I could really defend young mums, so I just kind of felt defeated and uncomfortable. And as they got into the conversation I began to question myself more and more, even imagining that I was a substandard parent because we hadn’t brought a house before having Bailey, because he was bottle-fed (out of necessity), because I didn’t take him to baby-yoga, because we were ‘accidental parents’, and of course the list goes on.

I can see how silly that was now, of course.  It should have taken me one look at my happy healthy bub to know that wasn’t the case, but instead I continued to let it eat at me for the next couple of years, blaming myself everytime he threw-up or had a temperature or I didn’t know what he wanted.  Everytime he hit his head, or I couldn’t sooth his teething pain, and that one time when he had to be rushed to the hospital, was because I was an inadequate parent.

Luckily I now know that’s not true, but of course I doubt myself a fair bit.  The thing that has changed the most is that I now realise how lucky I was to have him when I did, before my health went downhill.  And even if it hadn’t, I still think the timing was good. For me, anyway.

I don’t know what I’d do without him ❤


Read Full Post »

Best. News. Ever.

Remember my beautiful Drum?

His medication is working, and the tumour which was giving him trouble has shrunk by 75%!

How awesome is that?!

My horse fucking kicks ass.

I’m so relieved I can’t find the words…I feel like I haven’t taken a deep breath in so long, and now I can….

Thankyou all so much for your thoughts and prayers and good energy. Really. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou to everyone who even thought of us for a millisecond.



Read Full Post »

Yes, really.

I have seen it.  Breaking Dawn, part 1 that is.  At the premiere, gold class even.

I think it is safe to say I am a Twilight fan.  Yes, I know I’m 26.  Whatever.  It was great!!  Totally worth dragging myself out of the house for the midnight session.  Good friends help too 🙂

Anyway I’m not going to rag on about it.  If you’re a fan, you’ll see it and love it, if not, you won’t. Easy.

I find it hard to go out now.

Not just because of Bailey – that does put limitations on me, but I can generally work around them.  Because of this…thing…going on in my head.

It’s kind of nerve-wracking, actually.

I – god this is embarrassing – had a bit of a freak-out last week.  And yeah, that happens fairly regularly,  but usually when I’m alone and can kind of pull myself together privately. 

I don’t know how many of you have seen the movie Kill Bill?

Anyway Craig was up, so we were channel surfing and he stopped on that.  I’ve seen it before and didn’t love it, but I can’t remember hating it or being bothered about it either.  I don’t like violence, but this movie’s is so unrealistic, and the story-line is completely unrelatable, so I figured it’d be watchable.

Scary violent movies that I can relate to, I know not to watch anymore.  Like Wolf Creek. OMG.

I’m one of those anal idiots that hates watching a movie if I don’t know whats going on, haven’t seen the start, etc.  And I don’t love watching movies on tv, cause of the ads. So we watched for a little while, couldn’t really figure out what was going on, and then I remembered we actually have it on dvd, so thought I may as well find it so we could watch it properly.

Pretty close to the beginning, there’s a particularly disturbing scene, where two guys – and I’m starting to grit my teeth together as I’m writing this – discuss raping the main character, while she’s in a coma. 

I was a fucking mess, in all honesty.  Had one hell of a flashback, was shaking like a leaf and cried for a good half hour.  And Craig was actually great, but I was so embarrassed. Still am. And I feel like he looks at me differently, now that he has seen me at my weakest.

So I’d obviously like to avoid that happening again.  The problem is, I never know what could trigger me, and sometimes I don’t even need a trigger.  I don’t want to feel uncomfortable around people, but I do right now.

And that sucks, because I have the nicest friends ever.  And I’d never want any of them to feel like I was avoiding them, or that I didn’t want to hang out.

I’d never want any of them to see me like that either though.


Read Full Post »

Dum, dum, du-dum.

Well, it was supposed to be Saturday…

Yes, I’m already married, but that was an impulsive Vegas wedding.  We had a nice family and friends wedding planned too, that we were still going to go through with…

Just a simple beach ceremony, and then dinner and dancing at a beach restaurant.  A dress made with material from my grandmothers wedding gown, an archway filled with flowers to match the ones in my hair.  A small wedding party, just us, Bailey as the ‘best man‘ and my best friend as bridesmaid.

Does this ever stop sucking?


Read Full Post »

Breathe in, breathe out.  I am here now.

I am finding that I can talk myself out of some flashbacks.  Which is awesome.  Go me.

When things start to get ‘fuzzy’ or I feel a little ‘not quite here’ I can focus, focus, focus on what’s real.  What’s real is the smell of rain, or grass, or incense, not the smell of blood or whiskey or tobacco.  I can hear music – I have it on, fairly loud all the time now, it helps – not creaking from a rope wrapped around a beam, or shouting, or sobbing.  I can feel my cool hands on my face, fabric beneath my fingers, not someone pushing me down or forcing a needle into my arm.

What’s real, now, is good and safe.

I’m so grateful for that.  I’m grateful to be alive, with opportunities to improve my life, and to appreciate what I have more.

I’m choosing to do both of those.


Read Full Post »


That’s how I feel lately.

Just quiet, a bit sad. Nothing dramatic. No hysterics, no huge crying sessions, but also not alot of laughter or normal conversation.

I’m ok. I’m doing well.

I went and got properly checked out at the hospital yesterday, and I feel a bit better that it’s over.

Like I said a couple of posts ago, I’m pretty strong.  I don’t know if I’ve gotten stronger or if I’m just more aware of it.  But I know I’m strong and capable and resilient now.




Read Full Post »

I miscarried 😦

It sucks, and I’m hurting badly, feeling enormous guilt over being stressed about the pregnancy.

I know logically there was nothing I could have done.  It just doesn’t feel that way.

I know I’m lucky to have one healthy child, a roof over our heads, food when we are hungry, clean water to drink and some extras.

But I just…fuck…feel like I have reached some kind of limit….



Read Full Post »