Ugh

Feel totally crap today.  Its like there is huge amounts of static and cotton wool around my brain, making it very hard to think straight and motivate myself to do anything.  Also I feel quite nauseous and am struggling to keep my pills down.   So I thought I’d sit here in my pajamas and whinge.  The thing is, is that I am now supposed to ‘listen to my  body’, which means that right now I should go for a sleep.  But as anyone with kids knows, that’s just not possible at 9am on a Monday morning ;).  So I’m thinking I might chuck on a kid friendly movie – he *says* he wants to watch Twilight, but unfortunately not appropriate for a 3yr old – and snuggle up in bed with my little man.  I know tv is not a good thing to encourage, but we do what we have to to cope.  And right now tv makes my life so much easier.  Along with daycare, easily prepared snacky food and letting my poor partner do most of the cooking and cleaning.  Not ideal, but hopefully temporary.

Anyway I just wanted to have a bit of a whinge 😦

Oh – to the lovely person who commented after my last entry – thankyou so much!  If I had your email I’d thank you personally, what you said meant the absolute world to me xx  I don’t have my email up on here for obvious reasons but when someone comments it’s emailed to me, and from time to time people ask that I don’t publish it – or I choose not to LOL – , which is the case here.  So thankyou again, and if you are reading feel free to comment again with your email, I would love to talk with you some more 🙂

x

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Horses.

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while.  Actually no, it’s more something I’ve been avoiding thinking about.  It’s one of those subjects where no matter how much you try to avoid it or block it out, it sneaks up on you.  So here goes – I don’t love horses like I used to.  I don’t know when things changed, or why they changed.  I used to live and breathe horses.  Yes there has always been other facets to my life – but alot of them were because of horses.  This sport has defined my entire life.  I’ve only had jobs that leave me time to ride.  The majority of my friends are people I’ve met through horses.  The *only* reason we live where we do is because of horses. I’ve made alot of sacrifices because riding has always been more important to me than anything.

I’m always saying how much I’m looking forward to being able to ride again.  It’s a lie though, I’m not really looking forward to it at all.  I think I’m more hoping that it will all come flooding back and I’ll love it like I used to.  Because that’s really what I miss – not riding, just how I used to feel about horses.  I do miss my horse though.  When I say ‘my horse’ I mean my Drum, who to me is just the best horse in the world and holds a huge chunk of my heart.  If we found our soulmates in animals, Drum would be mine.  We just get each other, he accepts my faults and limitations and I accept his.

I still gave him up though, and that it wasn’t harder really shocked me and a few other people.  In all honesty I was a bit relieved.  Yes I had every excuse under the sun – my knee was buggered, I’m not well, he doesn’t cope sitting in a paddock, bla bla bla.  But really I would have worked around all of that if I’d been in my usual mindframe. The fact that I had a friend I trust willing and ready to lease him kind of clinched the deal.  He’s loved where he is, and happy and healthy – and really that’s all I want. I’d never let him go without.  But when I see him I feel sad, and a bit empty.  I still feel love for him and we have that connection but I don’t feel much else.  When I used to watch him moving in the paddock I’d get a lightness in my chest because he is such a beautiful expressive mover.  Now I look and more analyse how straight he is, and feel relieved that he feels young enough for a run around.

To be continued….

x

 

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Nostalgia

I’ve been pretty nostalgic lately.  When I say lately, I actually mean for about the last five years.  It tends to just completely blindside me out of nowhere.  Sometimes it can be in reaction to a scent, a dream, a song or circumstances but other times its just…there.

I think the problem is I tend to romanticize and idealize the past a bit.  Well a lot really.  When I’m in my nostalgia-zone, I get a lovely montage style slide-show of awesomeness. Because that’s totally how life was.  It generally involves lots of beach images, a pool party, past friends, my darling patchy pony, the foreshore at night, laughing, dancing in the rain – did I *ever* even do that?! – old boyfriends, canoeing and cargo pants.

Memory can be funny like that, very selective.  I never remember breaking up with boyfriends, my family falling apart, fighting with lifelong friends, stingers at the beach, cops breaking parties up,  my pony dying, crying for ages most nights and finding a cat nailed to my door because of an argument between my dad and some lowlife.  Nothing in that lot to get nostalgic about I guess.

x

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Adrenal Fatigue, Part 2.

So I’m over my total freak out of last week and have realized something important.  Things are going to get better.  If there is one thing that I have learnt about health in the last few years, it is that it is *always* better to know.  Last week  I absolutely felt like I did not want to know about it at all, but now I can see that this isn’t really something new I have to deal with, because I have have already been dealing with it unknowingly.  And now I’ll know how to.  For instance I have always thought the best way to deal with tiredness is just to push through – but now I know that in this situation,  if I feel tired I need to rest, rather than relying on a surge on adrenaline which will only further damage my body.  The next step is for me to write down everything that stresses me in the next week so we can see where to make changes 🙂

I just gave my darling project pony some pampering, which I find is always good for the soul.  He is just coming along so nicely, today he stood to be washed with the leadrope just over his neck, such a huge change from the quivering mess he was 6 months ago.

x

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Adrenal Fatigue

So I was diagnosed with this condition yesterday.  Basically what it means is that my level of cortisol is very low, it is supposed to be at 48 – 60 but is at 12.  It’s not great news, and my adrenal glands will not recover fully, but it is treatable.  I do feel relieved that there is an actual reason for how low I have been feeling and I think it will be more manageable than the thyroid stuff.

The main cause is stress, and the main treatment is to reduce stress. Which is hard.  Basically what has happened is that I have been through alot, physically, mentally and emotionally, which caused my adrenal gland to work too hard for too long, therefore leading to a total crash.  So, basically, I need a lifestyle change.  I’m not sure how best to manage this.  Obviously I am already going through a diet rehaul, and am starting supplements to help as soon as the lab gets them to me, but what about the mental stuff?  What about the day to day things?  Should we move?  Should I have less animals?  Should I have less land?  More land?  Should I forget about riding at any sort of decent level and just have a pleasure horse?  Should I get rid of the child?  I just don’t know….

x

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Toddler Awkwardness

Bailey has recently started to develop a kind of fixation with his…erm….willy.

It seemed to start last week after he noticed that my chest is not flat like his and his Daddies.  He said “Why got a big chest for Mummy?” to which I replied “Because Mummie’s a lady darling, and ladies have bigger chests than boys”. Craig then reminded about the time he has seen his cousin being breastfed, and said there wouldn’t be room for milk otherwise.

And then *totally* out of the blue he exclaims “Ohhh poooor Mummy! Hasn’t got a willy!”.  Of course Craig agreed that my lack of male genitalia indeed warranted some sympathy, while we were in fits of hysteria.  Since then he’s asked me a couple of times if I have a willy yet, why I don’t have one, and if and when I’ll get one. Along with why I use toilet paper after doing wees, and why do I sit down.

Has anyone else found this stage of boy-toddler rearing totally awkward?!

The other day he also commented about his willy getting bigger. :O I looked down, and yep, there it was, a toddler erection.  I was slightly lost for words, but after a few seconds I just said “Oh that’s ok darling, just put it away in your jocks” and we moved onto how awesome his aeroplane underwear is.

How do other parents handle this?

x

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Hormonal!

I’m doing hormone therapy.

It’s something I have always resisted doing. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to it –  I’m not the type of person who is paranoid about what I put into my body, and I have tried quite alot of  medications.  But hormones freak me out. Maybe its the link to breast cancer, though I don’t usually put much credence in ‘links’.

Anyway, its a bit yukky at the moment.  Basically I feel pregnant, so kind of hungry but nauseous, sore breasts, a headache, wild mood swings. Huge food cravings, and of course its not for the lean meat – blegh – and vegies I’m allowed to have. But I’m very happy to put up with a level of discomfort if it helps.

I think the worst part is that I’d actually love to be pregnant.  I loved being pregnant with Bailey. Well I didn’t love feeling sick, or the threatened miscarriages, or the debilitating back pain, or when he used to boot me in the bladder. But I loved feeling that my body was doing something special.  I loved singing Bailey songs and chatting to him and getting all his adorable little clothes ready.  We kind of tried to have another last year but I kept miscarrying, which was sad. So yes, it does kind of feel like feeling pregnant without actually being pregnant is rubbing salt in an emotional wound at the moment.

But it will be worth it if this helps me to feel normal again.

So we had fun at the beach house.  It was a bit too hot to actually ‘do’ much but it was quite nice to just lounge around.  I always feel a bit sad when I am down that way though, because the area has changed so much. My old horse paddock is now a shopping center, and there is next to no bush. Pretty hard to find a deserted patch of beach to relax on too! Price of progress, I suppose.

x

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