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Archive for May, 2011

Soooo I just read over my last post and….oh dear…psycho much?

I’d love to say I’m feeling better and have regained sanity but in the interest of honesty, no I’m not and no I haven’t.

‘He’ is coming up for dinner tomorrow and lets just say it is a lucky thing Bailey decided on finger type food for his birthday dinner.  Because I don’t trust myself anywhere near ‘him’ with cutlery in my hands at this point in timeBut I still miss him horribly.  Yes.  I know.  Pathetic.

Wow, my eye twitch is back.

‘He’ wants to stay the night, and talk the next day while Bailey is at daycare.  Last week I would have been all for this.  But after the last, like 5 nights I am not so sure.  I am not sure how long I will be able to keep my temper for, but am guessing not an extended period of time if he starts his man style passive aggressive non caring bullshit.  Ahem.

The little man of the house is celebrating his 4th birthday tomorrow.  Pretty exciting stuff, slightly heartbreaking for his mummy :(.  He knows one present he is getting – LEGO!! – but have gotten him some surprises too and we have an exciting day planned. Well exciting for a 4 year old. Sigghhh. OK, I need to have a sentimental mummy whinge and then I will move on. OK? Okay.  I just can’t believe that my tiny little helpless baby is now this running, jumping, talking, laughing, climbing tornado of a little boy. I miss my baby, miss that warm milky sweet smell. Sob sob. Done.

xx

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Hate Hate Hate

I hate how Craig never follows though with anything.  I hate how he is treating me.  I hate how he can never make a decision and just avoids everything.  I hate how small minded he can be.  I hate how he could be totally satisfied with a mediocre life.  I hate how normal he is.  I hate that he’s living with his parents.  I hate that he won’t answer Bailey when he asks why he won’t stay at home.  I hate how he puts his feelings and inadequacies before what I need.  I hate the way he gets his hair cut.  I hate his resentment towards me.  I hate him for being angry we can’t have more kids, when he wasn’t exactly thrilled when I was pregnant with our one and only.  I hate his racism and intolerance.  I hate his lack of insight.  I hate his arrogance.  I hate his shitty excuses when he doesn’t want to do something.  I hate how ambivalent he can be.

I hate how he gets so depressed when he really hasn’t had an actual problem in his whole life.  I hate how unfair that is of me to say that.  I hate myself for just wishing he would get over it so we can get to what I see as real problems.  I hate how much I still want him back when all he does is hurt me.  I hate how he’s not here when I need someone so so badly.  I hate how even if he were, it probably wouldn’t be enough.

I hate myself for not being enough.  Not enough as a wife or mother.  I hate how I’ve reacted to this break-up.  I even hate how sane I’ve been about it. I’d almost prefer to have had a massive screaming argument, and to have set fire to all his stuff.  I hate how suburban and polite and boring we’re being.  I hate how he didn’t argue when I said what I thought was fair in regards to our finances.  I hate how I’m waiting for him to get his shit together and see how he really feels.  I hate how I’m too ‘nice’ to not get into another relationship out of spite and loneliness.  Because fuck, it’s tempting.  I hate how I almost did that and hurt myself and one of my best friends.  I hate how I couldn’t just go through with it, because then my marriage would be over. And I’d have to just accept that instead of being in this state of limbo.

I hate how I’ve done nothing with my life.  I hate how I don’t even want to do anything with it.  I hate how much people judge me because of it.  I hate the expectations put upon me because of something out of my control.

I hate when I tell people any of this, they say something like “Well you have to be positive”.  As if I wouldn’t be if it were possible!  I hate how weak I’ve become, and how guilty I feel when people tell me how strong I am.

I hate how I couldn’t seem to just commit to Craig properly in every way.  I hate how I didn’t even realize I hadn’t until it was too late.  I hate that I betrayed him in such a gradual way that I didn’t even notice at the time.  I hate how you can love someone so much, but it doesn’t change how hopelessly incompatible you are.

I hate cancer.  I hate how it has made me totally lose faith in having any control over my life and and body.  I hate how nothing it makes me feel.  I hate how I feel like less of a woman, and so old.

I hate how I know I have so so much to be grateful for but just can’t do it at the moment.

x

 

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There seems to be some sort of break-up epidemic within my friend/acquaintance circle. Within like the last threeish months,  six long term relationships have fallen apart.  Really weird, hey?  And not many of my friends know each other, I don’t have a ‘group’ as such, so its not some bizarre flow on effect.

Had this really good conversation with Craig last Wednesday night, then managed to fuck it all up on the Friday.  Don’t know what to do about myself, I swear I just need to stop talking altogether.  Had minor arguments/ snapped at a couple of friends too, I usually never fight with anyone but seem to be doing a bit of it lately.

Anyway.

The weather is gorgeous today, blue sky, sunny, and all that. Once Bailey’s finished his lunch I might go outside for a bounce on the trampoline with him 😀 Wish winter would hurry up though, I miss rain and frost, and thunder and lightning, and green grass and puddles.

x

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