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Archive for September, 2012

You can’t choose what stays and what fades away
And I’d do anything to make you stay

No light, no light

Tell me what you want me to say

*****

I’m in this really dark squirming hole. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be me. I feel like I should peel my skin off and become someone else, wishing I could go through some sort of rebirth because this fucking sucks.

I know that’s not a very eloquent way of putting it but it’s how it is right now.

I so desperately want my life to be better, and I try so hard, but being positive doesn’t cure cancer. Meditation won’t cook Bailey a healthy meal without me vomiting in the sink.  No amount of self-awareness will bring my husband back.

I’ve fallen into a bit of a hole, with the drinking.

I tend to do that.

I was relieved when I started keeping food down at night, because it meant I could keep wine down, and get some fucking respite from the shit in my head, the crushing feeling of guilt.

I will never never forgive myself when I fuck Bailey’s life up, so it stops now.

I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic, I’m not saying I’ll never enjoy a drink again.

Just not when I’m in this place, or anywhere like it.

It just magnifies, when I sober up.

I don’t know what to do right now.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so dark.

I’m a light sort of person. I see the beauty in life, love being outdoors, notice things like dappled sunshine through leaves, appreciate the simplicity of fresh air and bright stars…

I just can’t find it right now.

x

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take a deep breath, 1, 2, 3, and jump

How fucking hard does this have to be?

I look at a close friend, whose long-term relationship broke down at about the same time mine did. He’s happy, knows he’s better off, is in a new relationship….we couldn’t be further apart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works. He doesn’t want me.

I’ll never get over this, not really. I don’t know if I even want to.

Snippets of thoughts. Can’t deal. Have to.

Fuck.

A continuous sick feeling.

No-one knows what to say, when they push me a little harder…”What’s really wrong Ash? What’s the biggest issue?”

“It’s just…you know, the Craig thing. Nothing new.”

Cancer is comparatively easy, PTSD a walk in the park…I’d take ten times of that sort of shit in exchange.

Nothing feels worth this amount of pain for me.

I don’t think anyone can see how hard this is for me. Would he come back if he really really knew how I feel?

I don’t know. I doubt it. There’s no words so I couldn’t tell him anyway.

Therapy doesn’t help…no. It does, to a degree. I think you should have a level of acceptance within yourself for anything to help really.

I don’t have that, I don’t feel like I ever will.

Sex doesn’t help, drinking, smoking, none of it. Nice dates with lovely guys.

At least now that I’ve given all of that a good try, I can quit and at least be as healthy as possible for Bailey. I may as well be.

Nothing numbs this.

x

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I just learnt that today is ‘ World Suicide Prevention Day’.

I know a little bit about suicide.

It never leaves you, the ‘would they have if’, the ‘what if I had’, the ‘what would they be like’. Well it’s never left me anyway. I don’t like to generalise.

I will always always wonder what his last coherent thought was.

I never knew how common suicide is until recently. I don’t know about everywhere else, but here there are strict laws on what can be reported…it’s not really talked about.

I don’t know if I agree or disagree with this.

I don’t know what would help. I wish I did.

x

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