You can’t choose what stays and what fades away
And I’d do anything to make you stayNo light, no light
Tell me what you want me to say
*****
I’m in this really dark squirming hole. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be me. I feel like I should peel my skin off and become someone else, wishing I could go through some sort of rebirth because this fucking sucks.
I know that’s not a very eloquent way of putting it but it’s how it is right now.
I so desperately want my life to be better, and I try so hard, but being positive doesn’t cure cancer. Meditation won’t cook Bailey a healthy meal without me vomiting in the sink. No amount of self-awareness will bring my husband back.
I’ve fallen into a bit of a hole, with the drinking.
I was relieved when I started keeping food down at night, because it meant I could keep wine down, and get some fucking respite from the shit in my head, the crushing feeling of guilt.
I will never never forgive myself when I fuck Bailey’s life up, so it stops now.
I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic, I’m not saying I’ll never enjoy a drink again.
Just not when I’m in this place, or anywhere like it.
It just magnifies, when I sober up.
I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so dark.
I’m a light sort of person. I see the beauty in life, love being outdoors, notice things like dappled sunshine through leaves, appreciate the simplicity of fresh air and bright stars…
I just can’t find it right now.
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