No Light, No Light

You can’t choose what stays and what fades away
And I’d do anything to make you stay

No light, no light

Tell me what you want me to say

*****

I’m in this really dark squirming hole. I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be me. I feel like I should peel my skin off and become someone else, wishing I could go through some sort of rebirth because this fucking sucks.

I know that’s not a very eloquent way of putting it but it’s how it is right now.

I so desperately want my life to be better, and I try so hard, but being positive doesn’t cure cancer. Meditation won’t cook Bailey a healthy meal without me vomiting in the sink.  No amount of self-awareness will bring my husband back.

I’ve fallen into a bit of a hole, with the drinking.

I tend to do that.

I was relieved when I started keeping food down at night, because it meant I could keep wine down, and get some fucking respite from the shit in my head, the crushing feeling of guilt.

I will never never forgive myself when I fuck Bailey’s life up, so it stops now.

I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic, I’m not saying I’ll never enjoy a drink again.

Just not when I’m in this place, or anywhere like it.

It just magnifies, when I sober up.

I don’t know what to do right now.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so dark.

I’m a light sort of person. I see the beauty in life, love being outdoors, notice things like dappled sunshine through leaves, appreciate the simplicity of fresh air and bright stars…

I just can’t find it right now.

x

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‘The Craig Thing’

–take a deep breath, 1, 2, 3, and jump–

How fucking hard does this have to be?

I look at a close friend, whose long-term relationship broke down at about the same time mine did. He’s happy, knows he’s better off, is in a new relationship….we couldn’t be further apart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works. He doesn’t want me.

I’ll never get over this, not really. I don’t know if I even want to.

Snippets of thoughts. Can’t deal. Have to.

Fuck.

A continuous sick feeling.

No-one knows what to say, when they push me a little harder…”What’s really wrong Ash? What’s the biggest issue?”

“It’s just…you know, the Craig thing. Nothing new.”

Cancer is comparatively easy, PTSD a walk in the park…I’d take ten times of that sort of shit in exchange.

Nothing feels worth this amount of pain for me.

I don’t think anyone can see how hard this is for me. Would he come back if he really really knew how I feel?

I don’t know. I doubt it. There’s no words so I couldn’t tell him anyway.

Therapy doesn’t help…no. It does, to a degree. I think you should have a level of acceptance within yourself for anything to help really.

I don’t have that, I don’t feel like I ever will.

Sex doesn’t help, drinking, smoking, none of it. Nice dates with lovely guys.

At least now that I’ve given all of that a good try, I can quit and at least be as healthy as possible for Bailey. I may as well be.

Nothing numbs this.

x

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Suicide

I just learnt that today is ‘ World Suicide Prevention Day’.

I know a little bit about suicide.

It never leaves you, the ‘would they have if’, the ‘what if I had’, the ‘what would they be like’. Well it’s never left me anyway. I don’t like to generalise.

I will always always wonder what his last coherent thought was.

I never knew how common suicide is until recently. I don’t know about everywhere else, but here there are strict laws on what can be reported…it’s not really talked about.

I don’t know if I agree or disagree with this.

I don’t know what would help. I wish I did.

x

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