Yeah.
What a week actually. Or month/ year? I’m not self-indulgent enough to claim decade, but you know I’m thinking it.
Tests today, and that stresses me. Therapy too, because as a special friend -waves- put it this morning, I ‘sure know how to have fun’.
First up, my bestie texted to cancel hanging out for the weekend. Which I get. I love this chick like, well more than, family. She has been there for me through his whole mess more than anyone else, from nearly 2 hours away.
She has a crap-load going on in her life and job, and has really shoved alot aside for me in the last few months.
This is embarrassing, but this is where I’m honest.
I don’t handle minor shit like that anymore.
In the past I would’ve felt disappointed, but been all yeah ok babe, and found something else to do, or been happy to have a quiet weekend.
I sat in bed sobbing for a good five minutes.
Is this still me coping or have I gotten to not coping?
Daycare calls, her dog has had a stroke, and I need to collect Bailey.
So I have to ring Craig, ask if he can leave work early because I NEED to have these tests. He is gracious about it, probably remembering the PMSy outburst of last week. He doesn’t ask what’s going on, hasn’t asked how I am medically in ages.
I could be terminal and he wouldn’t give a fuck. I’m obviously not, but still.
Drive to his work, he asks if I still want to do dinner Sunday.
“Sure if you want”
“Well we can”
“But do you want to?”
“Sure I guess”
Finally get to the hospital, my hands are shaking, I’m feeling sick. Talk to my Dr and a lovely nurse who remind me I really ‘should have family support’. Because I love being reminded of what I don’t have.
Eventually get to therapy, and I’m on the verge of tears before I even sit down. We talk about Craig, how I feel, how he treats me. Then we talk about Random Guy, and how he treats me, and feels about me.
He’s in love with me.
He told me upfront, weeks ago, that he wants me to officially be his ‘girlfriend’. He has been asking me to meet his family, so I finally met his mum a couple of days ago, on what he informed me was our ’10 week anniversary’. He’s been so clear about what he wants.
I would have killed for Craig to treat me like that.
I’ve been treating him how Craig treats me. To a lessor degree, sure, because I haven’t married him. Sure, I told him I wasn’t up for anything heavy, and was honest to the point of hurtful about where I’m at. I’ve apologised a zillion times about what I couldn’t give him.
I just wanted a friends plus sex thing. And that would be fine, if he felt the same. But he hasn’t for ages now, and I’ve known that, and still treated him as casual sex, as an option, who keeps me company, brings me dinner, makes me coffee, props me up when I feel shitty, and helps me with practical boy-y things.
While knowing that if Craig wanted to give things another go I would in a second.
“Ash, I know how moral you are, treat people how you want to be treated”
“But I’ve been honest with him, he says he understands”
“But then you still go and sleep with him, knowing he wants more. It’s not what it started out as anymore. If you really want to keep waiting around for Craig, to stay stuck in limbo, then stop sleeping with Random Guy”
Therapy is hard. Of course I don’t want to be stuck like this. But it feels easier than being the one to say, this is definitely over. Because I’d always wonder, what if I’d given it another month?
Varying degrees of shit, really.
“Why don’t you put it back on him. You can say, Craig this isn’t fair to myself or Bailey, so we are going to give you all the time and space you need, while we are moving on and building a life without you. When you want to be an adult, if you decide this family is worth fighting for, please come and talk to me and I will be all ears. But I don’t know where our lives will be, and that’s the risk you take.”
Sounds fair, yes?
I’m still not going to feel as strongly about Random Guy as he does about me. But at least I’ll be able to acknowledge it as an actual relationship, instead of treating him as a ‘bit on the side’. And maybe in time? And he treats me nicely, and will go slow with me.
So I can commit to seeing where it goes properly I think. And to being fair to him. And to not acting like a spoilt bitch. And if in a while, I really truly know it’s not going anywhere, I’ll end it with compassion and decency.
Because I’m better than acting like this.
x
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