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Archive for September, 2011

Life Update

Just a quick one, seeing as I have been living in the past a wee bit while blogging lately…

Random Guy, we broke up. I think I knew it wasn’t going to work. I told him as honestly as I could how I felt, he thanked me for trying and gave me a kiss and hug before he left. I know. I feel awful. We’re still friends and all that. I don’t know how long for because he doesn’t seem to be able to really accept that we’re not ‘together’ and still kinda acts like we are…..hmmm…..

Craig. I failed fairly miserably at following through after the ‘moving on’ talk. Although things are a bit less awful between us, so I guess it’s kind of positive?

The intervention hasn’t happened yet, although I was treated to a mini-version with a family friend the other night. I’ll write about it when I’m not so pissed cause at the moment it’d just be a heap of swearing and incoherent rants.

I had therapy today and managed to partially address a couple of issues. Go me. The impact that sexual abuse has had on my current sexual behaviour -cough- is kind of interesting. Not that it’s an excuse, but it’s good to have some insight ūüôā

x

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Just because…

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To where some of all this started…

Hard post coming up, I can feel it, but this is stuff I need to say.¬† Warning – if you know me, know Craig, and you’re already maybe feeling like I need to ‘get it together’, a bit pissed off, whatever….This post is not going to be fun…nothing awful, just feels like it needs a warning.¬†

With that said.

Lets go back, hmmm, maybe 2 and a half years?  I was in cancer treatment, and all that that entails. Chemo, radiation, being sick, being emotional, trying too hard to keep it together when I should have just taken it easy.  Bailey was an almost 2 yr old with an anxiety problem that went way above and beyond the usual separation anxiety of kids that age.  He went from being a placid happy kid to basically, a wreck.

And Craig became depressed.  Blame him?

Of course not.

But did I find the strength to tackle it with him?¬† No.¬† I didn’t.¬†

I found the strength to keep seeing my friends, doing minor stuff with the horses, but not to deal with that.

I was scared I guess, deliberately blind.¬† It’d be easy to say I didn’t know, but I think I did.¬† And I think I resented him for it a bit, for not being able to find the strength to support me how I needed, to prop me up.¬†

I was…… a bit of a bitch to him, actually.

A little while down the track, we talked about it, he cried, I cried.¬† He confessed he’d been suicidal…..I couldn’t handle that.¬† But I did try.¬† Pushed him to go to the Dr, dragged him outside for exercise.

Not enough, I know.

That’s what triggered this whole fucking repressed memory, delayed post traumatic stress mess I’m in.¬† That night, when he said that, was exactly when it started.¬† When he said he’d been suicidal, I cried…couldn’t stop…went and threw up.¬† He ended up comforting me.

How fucking selfish does that make me?

And I had an anxiety attack when he left for work the next morning, and a couple of days later, a motherfucker of a nightmare.  And the flashbacks started, and blah blah blah. 

And it’s been on and off since then.

I know if that hadn’t triggered it, something else would have.¬† Most people aren’t built to go through trauma of that degree and not have repercussions.¬† I’m not, though I tried to be for so long.

How arrogant of me.

Sometimes its like I’m there again….and more comes back.

Oh my god, please help, he killed himself, oh god, he’s dead, he’s dead…..

I feel like a part of me is still standing there, like a ghost.

¬†And at my worst…I think it was my fault, and that it would have been my fault if Craig had followed through, too.

x

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It’s a bitch of a thing.

From either side, I am finding.

I’m somehow in two of these situations, plus the Craig thing.¬† They both suck.¬† Badly.¬† Pretty sure I’ve lost two friends within a week.

Hence the ‘man diet’.

Because I clearly just can’t. deal. with. men.¬† So I will distance myself rather than inflict pain on myself and others while I’m like this.

It’s good in theory.

I spent my weekend with my bestie and her house-mate, both female.¬† Of course I was obsessing about men the whole time, but it’s a start.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest, pretty much all the time.¬† I’ll write about the specifics, when it’s not so raw.

*****

Really, I just miss being with Craig, and feeling secure.  I never thought about other men while we were together, well not until the very very end, like a few weeks before he left.  So many plans, so much we could have had together, all washed away now.

Where does it all go?

The promises, the I love you’s, the laughter, the times we held each other together….does it just disappear?

“You’re too good for him”

“He doesn’t deserve you”

“You’re better off”

“I’d never wait around for a guy”

Why does it all feel like judgement?

x

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Ash, and I need an intervention.

Apparently.

Thanks to a warning from my in-name-only brother, I have become aware¬†of one in the planning stages.¬† My family don’t know I know.¬† Oh the FUN I could have with this.¬† I am not sure what they think they are intervening against as yet, possibly my hardcore drug use or pornography addiction.

I’d say it’s just because I haven’t been myself for so long, so they assume I’m ‘on the drug’ – quote from my evil grandmother, or drinking heavily, or something.¬† Not just that I’ve been through alot, and haven’t quite bounced back.¬† To be fair, they don’t know¬†all most¬†of it.¬† I guess this is the price I pay for being a private person, for not being handle them at the best of times, let alone under stress.

I can totally see the hilarious side of this, but I am also a bit upset.

I mean, fuck me.¬† I actually thought I was coping ok, considering.¬† I live an hour away from my closest family, so no I haven’t been down much.¬† But they haven’t been up either, and yeah they have their reasons, my Dad can’t drive (he’s blind, well nearly), and my older rellies aren’t really up for the drive.¬† They are suburban type drivers and it’s a windy fast drive up here, with trucks etc.

But I don’t judge no-one coming to see me.¬† They have their reasons.¬† And to be brutally honest, I don’t think it would have helped anyway.

It’d be nice if they assumed the same about me.

I don’t do drugs.¬† My child is always fed and loved and has everything he needs.¬† I’ve just started a psychology degree.¬† I go to therapy.¬† I clean my house.¬† I go to work.¬† They think I’m a non-drinker.

Of course they don’t know I’ve been through another battle with cancer, that I’ve started having awful flashbacks and nightmares, about random guy, that Craig and I have been on and off and that he’s been stringing me along.¬† They don’t know how my life feels to me, is what it comes down to.

And really, it’s none of their goddamn business.

So I could :

Totally nip it in the bud this weekend, by mentioning to my dad how busy I’ve been with Uni, that I AM going to therapy, that alcohol is the devil’s water, and that drugs are too expensive if I want to eat.

Play it up, find out when the intervention is taking place, and rock up AWESOMELY drunk, with assorted men/women hanging off me.  Because on American tv, interventions usually end with the person going to rehab of some sort, and I could use a motherfucking holiday.

Take the high road, just ignore it and continue trying to do the best I can for Bailey under the circumstances.¬† And just quietly deal with any accusations or questions that come up with dignity.¬† Because, really, I’m ok.¬† Not great, just ok.¬† Coping.¬† And that’s enough I think.¬† Yes it hurts, yes I’m exhausted.¬†

BUT.¬† I’ve kept it together, even when I didn’t want to.¬† I’ve used most of¬†my¬†energy to keep Bailey well.¬† Because he is the most important thing in my life and I love him.¬† Everyone else has gotten the scraps, what I have leftover after smiling and dancing, after being careful to run the shower so he doesn’t hear me vomiting, after¬†cooking him¬†a nutritious meal when any food smell makes me dizzy, after biting the inside of my lip to keep from crying when he gets another extra daycare day as a ‘special treat’.¬†Too bloody bad.

I guess what I’m saying is I’ve been surprised at what I can actually cope with, and this feels like being kicked when I’m down.¬† Really down.

But y’know what?

Fuck it.

This is my fucking life.¬† My opinion matters the most.¬† My child is well behaved, clean, and polite.¬† He’s naturally kind and caring.¬† I have so many other parents ask me for advice, because he is just a darling.¬† Most of it was just luck.¬† But I’ll take a little credit.

I have friends.¬† I’m a nice person.¬† I’m helpful, generally polite and I genuinely care about people.¬† I don’t judge people, I just try to help if I see something amiss.

Shouldn’t that be enough?¬† I know it is for me.

x

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I won I won!!

Well kind of ūüôā

Huge thankyou to the gorgeous Donna from http://www.theredneckprincess.net/  for the nomination!

Here’s how it works :

  1. Thank and link to the person who nominates you
  2.  Share seven random facts about you
  3. Pass this award to five new blogging friends
  4. Contact and congratulate the awarded bloggers

So now for 7 things you absolutely. must. know. about me:

1.¬† I have a brother I barely mention or speak to.¬† I really don’t consider him family.¬† We’re only 17 months apart in age. I don’t know if I’m too intolerant or if he’s too much of an asshole.

2. I’m a total bookworm, and the fastest reader I know.

3. I have two horses, Drum and Safin, and one pony, Elmo.¬† I love them all, and they’re all very different.

4. I have zero spatial awareness. Seriously. Never ask me to reverse anything for you. I’ve been tested, it’s nearly at learning disability level.

5. I have a sex problem.¬† Really.¬† Almost like a sex addiction, but maybe more just a total lack of self control.¬† I can tell we’re going to spend hours of therapy on it.¬† God.¬† The embarrassment.

6. I live in the hills but grew up on the coast, and I miss the beach horribly.

7. I don’t believe in God, never have, even when I was young and attended a catholic school. Sometimes I wish I did.

And now for my awarded blogs!

1.http://ineedyoutojustlistentome.wordpress.com/  Awesome chick.  Honest, heartbreaking, hopeful. 

2.  http://raysoflight84.wordpress.com/ Just because I love her.  And I love how she writes.

3. http://melbournemumma.com/Uplifting, and I love looking at her projects and wishing I was that way inclined.

4. http://susiesheartpathblog.wordpress.com/¬†I’ve only just started reading this blog, but I’m loving it. Also, she appreciates the awesomeness of Drop Dead Fred and is a West Aussie like me ūüôā

5. http://iamhear.wordpress.com/ This lovely lady has reached out to me and offered so much insight and advice. 

So there you have it!

Except РOh FUCK you linky button, just work!! Sorry about the shitty links guys, apparently I need to upgrade, I try, and it freezes.  Gah.

x

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Triggered

This is mine, right now.

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Just some rope, hanging from a tree.

I can’t remember why it’s there, but I remember us laughing about it getting stuck.

And this morning, when I wandered outside, it was enough to give me a graphic flashback, one where I’m not here anymore, where I’m immersed in another time, another place.¬† I want it gone, but I can’t get close enough to try.¬† I can’t ask anyone to help because I can’t deal with people seeing me like this.

I just….fuck.¬† Really, fuck this.

Is this what he wanted to happen?  By ensuring that I would find him, is this how he wanted me to be?

I WAS over this.¬† I swear.¬† There was a timespan, years, where I barely thought about him, and when he crossed my mind, I didn’t think about how it all ended.¬† I wish now, more than almost anything, that I’d dealt when it happened. Taken the therapy that was offered to me.

I didn’t even tell most people who¬†I was close to.¬† I just continued with life.¬† Other things bothered me more.¬† He was right about my selfishness, my detatchment, my inadequacies.

Clearly.

x

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Happy!

Yesssss, for real, a happy post!!

-drumroll-

I am IN REMISSION bitches!!

Win.

Still have some stuff to do, a final ‘just in case’ chemo dose, tons of hormone therapy, blah blah blah.¬† But I am out. Of. Danger.

Health, health, health from this point on.¬† I want to feel normal.¬† Or even better, I’d like to feel healthy.

If any of¬†you guys who know me,¬†see me put anything naughty in my mouth (Don’t.), slap me.¬† This includes, shitty over-processed food, coke, cigarettes and more than 3 5 drinks in a night. Unless it’s a celebration.¬† Or that time of the month. Or it was a gift.

I feel like I have less weighing me down….

x

 

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It’s done.

I fucking did it.  Well, cried my way through it obviously.  And not just me, which did not help.

I. Am. Moving. The fuck. On.

God I hope he decides to fight for me before it’s too late.

No.  Someone punch me, please.

There is NOTHING more I can do here.

Except make a life for Bailey and I without him.

For real.

x

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What a day…

Yeah.

What a week actually. Or month/ year? I’m not self-indulgent enough to claim decade, but you know I’m thinking it.

Tests today, and that stresses me.¬† Therapy too, because as a special friend -waves- put it this morning, I ‘sure know how to have fun’.

First up, my bestie texted to cancel hanging out for the weekend.  Which I get.  I love this chick like, well more than, family.  She has been there for me through his whole mess more than anyone else, from nearly 2 hours away.

She has a crap-load going on in her life and job, and has really shoved alot aside for me in the last few months.

This is embarrassing, but this is where I’m honest.

I don’t handle minor shit like that anymore.

In the past I would’ve felt disappointed, but been all yeah ok babe, and found something else to do, or been happy to have a quiet weekend.

I sat in bed sobbing for a good five minutes.

Is this still me coping or have I gotten to not coping?

Daycare calls, her dog has had a stroke, and I need to collect Bailey.

So I have to ring Craig, ask if he can leave work early because I¬†NEED to have these tests.¬† He is gracious about it, probably remembering the PMSy outburst of last week.¬† He doesn’t ask what’s going on, hasn’t asked how I am medically in ages.

I could be terminal and he wouldn’t give a fuck.¬† I’m obviously not, but still.

Drive to his work, he asks if I still want to do dinner Sunday.

“Sure if you want”

“Well we can”

“But do you want to?”

“Sure I guess”

Finally get to the hospital, my hands are shaking, I’m feeling sick.¬† Talk to my Dr and a lovely nurse who remind me I really ‘should have family support’.¬† Because I love being reminded of what I don’t have.

Eventually get to therapy, and I’m on the verge of tears before I even sit down.¬† We talk about Craig, how I feel, how he treats me.¬† Then we talk about Random Guy, and how he treats me, and feels about me.

He’s in love with me.

He told me upfront, weeks ago, that he wants me to officially be his ‘girlfriend’.¬† He has been asking me to meet his family, so I finally met his mum a couple of days ago, on what he informed me was our ’10 week anniversary’.¬† He’s been so clear about what he wants.

I would have killed for Craig to treat me like that.

I’ve been treating him how Craig treats me.¬† To a lessor degree, sure, because¬†I haven’t married him.¬† Sure, I told him I wasn’t up for anything heavy, and was honest to the point of hurtful about where I’m at.¬† I’ve apologised a zillion times about what I couldn’t give him.

I just wanted a friends plus sex thing.¬† And that would be fine, if he felt the same.¬† But he hasn’t for ages now, and I’ve known that, and still treated him as casual sex, as an option, who keeps me company, brings me dinner, makes me coffee, props me up when I feel shitty, and helps me with practical boy-y things.

While knowing that if Craig wanted to give things another go I would in a second.

“Ash, I know how moral you are, treat people how you want to be treated”

“But I’ve been honest with him, he says he understands”

“But then you still go and sleep with him, knowing he wants more.¬† It’s not what it started out as anymore.¬† If you really want to keep waiting around for Craig, to stay stuck in limbo, then stop sleeping with Random Guy”

Therapy is hard.¬† Of course I don’t want¬†to be stuck like this.¬† But it feels easier than being the one to say, this is definitely over.¬† Because I’d always wonder, what if I’d given it another month?

Varying degrees of shit, really.

“Why don’t you put it back on him.¬† You can say, Craig this isn’t fair to myself or Bailey, so we are going to give you all the time and space you need, while we are moving on and building a life without you.¬†When you want to be an adult, if you decide this family is worth fighting for, please come and talk to me and I will be all ears.¬† But I don’t know where our lives will be, and that’s the risk you take.”

Sounds fair, yes?

I’m still not going to feel as strongly about Random Guy as he does about me.¬† But at least I’ll be able to acknowledge it as an actual relationship, instead of treating him as a ‘bit on the side’.¬† And maybe in time?¬† And he treats me nicely, and will go slow with me.¬†

So I can commit to seeing where it goes properly I think.¬† And to being fair to him. And to not acting like a spoilt bitch.¬† And if in a while, I really truly know it’s not going anywhere, I’ll end it with compassion and decency.

Because I’m better than acting like this.

x

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