Christmas

I don’t remember last Christmas.

Like, really.

I don’t remember where I was, what I ate, what I wore, who I was with.

I remember going to my best friend’s birthday, and then my mum’s the next day, roughly a week before Christmas. After that, a vague beach memory, one standing out the front of the beach house with Craig, Bailey in my best friend’s pool, nothing else until New Years.

How fucking weird can brains be?

Of course, unluckily for me, I can read back the couple of entries I made here during that time, and see that I was totally not myself, and just be grateful that I’m still here and Bailey’s safe.

It’s scary though, having that ….gap…. there. The other times I’ve had blank spaces of time that just didn’t exist, it was because something awful had happened.

Did something awful happen? I don’t know.

I hate not being able to trust myself.

x

 

Read Full Post »

(some more) Awesomeness

My boys are home.

And I feel a little better for it, but also a little more overwhelmed.

I have ridden twice, just little play-type rides, and my knee is holding up so far, and actually feels quite stable so that is a relief.

My horse is being brilliant, and I love him even more than I did, if that’s possible. It’s like he knows exactly what I need, or maybe we are still just that amazingly compatible.

I’m so grateful he is still with me.

*****

Have you ever just lost total confidence in life?

I think I have. In life, people, myself.

Even with the horses now, I am constantly second guessing myself, feeling insecure, feeling like an awful rider. Feeling too inferior to even book a lesson, always feeling like I might leave gates unlatched, taps on, that something awful could happen, and it’d be my fault.

I’m trying to go easy on myself, to remind myself that things will affect me more than I think they should, maybe for a little while, maybe for longer.

And that that’s ok because I am trying. A couple months ago, I couldn’t even do that, hardly did the bare minimum. Well I could for other people, but did next to nothing for myself.

Having the horses home is just for me, and has nothing to do with anyone else.

So I think that’s a win 🙂

x

-I am blogging from my iPhone atm as my net is down, so please excuse any randomness, typos etc. the preview on this tends to be nothing close to how it actually looks so I’ll fix anything as soon as I get back on. I just really had to write today xxx

Read Full Post »

Strong

I’m not anymore, I don’t think. I feel like I’ve changed intrinsically, and that makes me sad.

I feel my weaknesses, seeping through my veins, and I want to shake myself.

But other times, I wish people would just let me be weak for awhile.

It’s like there’s all this evidence of me being strong built up in their minds, that they can’t quite grasp how this is too much for me, right now.

Because I was held at gunpoint.

Gang-raped.

Found someone I cared for hanging from a beam.

Had cancer.

And the other things.

And I survived, better than survived, I was strong. I smiled alot, moved on with my life, kept going, always looked forward, always had a job – or was busy being a mummy, and was generally reliable and responsible if anyone needed me. I’ve had some of the best things I can imagine, in my life…people, experiences….stuff I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Sure, I did some stupid things when I was young, but I always knew when to get serious. I never went ‘off the rails’ as such.

So of course I can do this.  I’ve proven how Strong I am.

I feel like that’s Not Fair.

Just because I was ‘strong’ with the other stuff, doesn’t mean it made me stronger. It just took most of the strength I had, bit by bit.

And now I feel like I don’t have enough left.

******

Really I think -hope-  I’ll eventually be ok, but it helps me so much to write what’s in my mind, right at this very moment, and this is something that’s been turning over in my brain for awhile now. I hate knowing that people are surprised by how hard I am taking this thing with Craig (Fuck, just say the word – d.i.v.o.r.c.e) and that I’m just expected to ‘deal’ because it’s what I have always done.

In spite of this, I am trying hard with the plan. It’s not coming easy.

But I’m doing it, as much as I can.

I have to believe that it is possible for life to build strength, rather than just diminish it.

It has to be possible, what will I do if it’s not?

x

Read Full Post »

4:38am

A fucking nightmare.
It’s times like this that I know deep within myself, that I can’t handle this.
I have to handle this.
Not a nightmare relating to any of the awful things I’ve been through, so no abductions, rapes, murders, guns. No not being able to protect Bailey, no one hanging from the ceiling.
Just my husband, and us not being together, because he doesn’t want to. Him with someone else, me suicidal.
I guess the worst nightmares are the ones you wake up from, but there’s not alot of relief.
He’s not with anyone, says he won’t be for a very long time. It feels like that would be breaking point for me.
And I know.
I know I’ve seen other people. Judge me if you like, I am what I am and I write what I feel.
And I doubt you could think worse of me than I do.
I trusted him. I trusted him from when I was 18 to never leave me. He promised.
In my worst worst moments I think I’d feel better if he’d died.
If I could tell myself he’d loved us so so much, that he never would have chosen to leave us, that we would have been together forever.
So I could grieve the man I love and try to move on, knowing that he loved me too.
What a horrible thing to write, and of course I’d never wish it.
It’s just some of the shit I think about, when I’m not handling this.
Almost like trying to think of horrible alternatives that I could handle, instead of being like this.
I know you’re sick of reading it, I’m sick of writing it, screaming how it hurts, it hurts, again and again, but I don’t know what else to do.
I’m sick of saying I can’t do this, when there’s no other option.
Waking up sobbing in the fetal position just doesn’t feel like coping.
And I feel so fucking guilty. It’s a divorce for fucks sake. No ones terminally ill. I live in a first world country. I’ve been lucky enough to see poverty first hand, have volunteered in a third world orphanage, and I’m grateful for having perspective, generally.
But I can’t find it with this. I’d do anything almost anything to free myself from this pain.
I know it’s a time thing, that’s what everyone tells me.
This just feels too fucking hard.
x

Read Full Post »

Awesomeness, part one

Ok, so honestly, I’m not feeling particuarly awesome yet, but I am faking it. And the fact that I am motivated to do that much is a good sign I think.

I’ve cut down on the booze, I had one night totally sober, the next night I got a little drunk, and the last 2 nights I have had like one drink, and I’m not going to have any tonight. I’ve been conciously trying to drink water through the day, and I’m making myself have an apple right now 🙂

Craig dropped Bailey off yesterday, and stayed to help with some property maintenance type things and then dinner. I made sure I was presentable, cute dress and light makeup, and I was friendly and perky and fairly impersonal, and didn’t cry until after he left.

And I managed to throw in a divorce joke. Too far?

Dropped Bman at school this morning and managed to converse with some other mums, and I think I was pretty convincing while saying that I was fine, just had a bit of a cold and been under the weather.

*****

This all just feels like such a fucking act,  but if it’s this or having a total breakdown, this is better.  And being honest with myself, a breakdown is what I was heading for, and I need to be good to myself to be good to Bailey.

Much love x

Read Full Post »

The New Plan

Ok, so it’s time for a new approach.

This week has been bad. I have really struggled, and I may have engaged in circular dialogue with Craig, ended up a total mess, and had to resort to straight whisky.

No more drinking alone.

No more trying with him.

The new plan is to simply be awesome, and while I feel nowhere close to awesome, I’ll just pretend.

I still love him, and I hate this and don’t want to do life like this.

But too bad.

Step 1. Get my body back. That means going to the Drs, doing hormone treatment, drinking water and eating mostly unprocessed again. I know what’s good for me and I haven’t been doing it, which is fucking stupidity because I have had quite enough health problems. I have been drinking more calories in booze, coffee and shakes than I have been eating and that is ridiculous.

Step 2. I am going to be so fucking polite and proffessional with Craig that his head will spin. A close friend very honestly told me that he probably loves it when I tell him I want us back, blah blah blah. And she’s probably right, he probably does like knowing I still love him and that he could walk back into our life if he chose to. So fuck feeding his arrogance and ego anymore.

Step 3. My horses are coming back in a fortnight and they will be getting worked, and worked properly. No paddock ornaments here. I will be getting my riding mojo back and it will be awesome. And it will help with step 1. And there will be photos 🙂

Plus Rays of Light is going to help me think of other reclaiming awesomeness activities, and also how to subtlely show Craig the awesome that he now has to miss out on 🙂

Awesome 😉 😛

Happy Friday!

x

Read Full Post »