I’m not anymore, I don’t think. I feel like I’ve changed intrinsically, and that makes me sad.
I feel my weaknesses, seeping through my veins, and I want to shake myself.
But other times, I wish people would just let me be weak for awhile.
It’s like there’s all this evidence of me being strong built up in their minds, that they can’t quite grasp how this is too much for me, right now.
Because I was held at gunpoint.
Gang-raped.
Found someone I cared for hanging from a beam.
Had cancer.
And the other things.
And I survived, better than survived, I was strong. I smiled alot, moved on with my life, kept going, always looked forward, always had a job – or was busy being a mummy, and was generally reliable and responsible if anyone needed me. I’ve had some of the best things I can imagine, in my life…people, experiences….stuff I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Sure, I did some stupid things when I was young, but I always knew when to get serious. I never went ‘off the rails’ as such.
So of course I can do this. I’ve proven how Strong I am.
I feel like that’s Not Fair.
Just because I was ‘strong’ with the other stuff, doesn’t mean it made me stronger. It just took most of the strength I had, bit by bit.
And now I feel like I don’t have enough left.
******
Really I think -hope- I’ll eventually be ok, but it helps me so much to write what’s in my mind, right at this very moment, and this is something that’s been turning over in my brain for awhile now. I hate knowing that people are surprised by how hard I am taking this thing with Craig (Fuck, just say the word – d.i.v.o.r.c.e) and that I’m just expected to ‘deal’ because it’s what I have always done.
In spite of this, I am trying hard with the plan. It’s not coming easy.
But I’m doing it, as much as I can.
I have to believe that it is possible for life to build strength, rather than just diminish it.
It has to be possible, what will I do if it’s not?
x
Read Full Post »