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Archive for October, 2011

I think this is my best option for now.

Life is too fucking short to do anything else, really.

I have faith I can deal with pretty much anything now, after the last few years ūüôā

And I’m alive, I laugh more than I cry, I have a beautiful child -even¬†if he does seem to be growing horns lately- and I have a few really close friends who love me.¬†

I have a feeling life is going to continue being a bit random and difficult for a while – and that’s ok. I can cope with that. I just have to stop and notice the happy bits.

x

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wrote about, is making my head spin.

And it’s making my breasts hurt, giving me stupid cravings, making me feel nauseas and dizzy…but I wouldn’t trade it.

Even though I was actively trying not to be in this situation, now that I am, I’d do anything to stay this way.¬†

This way = starts with a pr, ends in egnant.

And that’s awesome.¬† Not a fantastic time for me health-wise, at all. Or relationship-wise.

And I know there’s a decent chance I won’t stay this way, and that’s terrifying.

I have so many feelings about this.

Disbelief is a big one.  Because, yeah, I was trying not to, and used protection every. single. time.  And why now? Why not when I actually was trying?

I’m not complaining.¬† Just wondering about the chances.

I’m excited too, and trying not to be.¬† In my head ‘it’s’ already a baby, and I love babies, and I love being a mummy.

I’ll be heartbroken if anything goes wrong, that’s really the reason we stopped trying, because I wasn’t coping with miscarrying, and Bailey is a beautiful gift.

It felt greedy to keep asking.

But here I am.

x

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is going down.

Again.

Still.

Whatever.

And I can’t shouldn’t really write about it here.¬† And that is making me lose my shit.¬† Because I really want to.

You know how sometimes in life, you wish for something so hard, and you try so¬†desperately to make it happen – whatever it might be – and it just. won’t. work.¬† Or happen.

So you cry, practically give yourself a nervous breakdown, end up in therapy¬†just deal with it, accept the fact that it’s never going¬†to happen, and move on.¬† Right on, like way way past it.¬† And sometimes, your life changes so DRAMATICALLY in the meantime, that you get to the point where you think ‘maybe it didn’t happen for a reason’.

And then it happens.

And you’re like ‘fuck, that’s terrifying’

If I write it all in general ‘you’ terms, it’s not about me and isn’t quite real.

Heh.

xx

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Cancer…

Dear Cancer.

Please fuck off now.

Love me and Drummy.

20111013-072823.jpg

I not usually one to ask for stuff online, but if you could spare a little positive energy for my darling horse, I’d appreciate it.

We find out in 6 wks if his medication is working. It has a 50% success rate.

I don’t know if I am strong enough to lose him at the moment.

x

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So, I have a

boyfriend.

Well, sort of.

It’s my husband.¬† We’re seeing each other again….

So messy.¬† But I just can’t give up on us.¬† I’m praying he doesn’t rip my heart out this time around.¬†

I feel….ok. Like maybe I’ve turned some sort of corner.¬† And I know a few people are going to think I’m fucking stupid, blah, blah, blah, but I don’t care about other people’s opinions on my life¬†as much¬†anymore.¬†

Don’t want to speak too soon though.

Maybe being in remission is starting to set in properly, it has taken a while this time. 

I feel like I’m handling myself a bit better.

Last night I had….maybe one of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had.¬† The type where I wake up crying and shaking¬†and drenched in sweat.

It was about him of course, and me finding him, except he was alive, half alive and it was just graphic and awful and disgusting.

BUT I handled it and still managed to have an ok, stable day.

Might not sound like much to you, but it’s fairly big to me ūüôā

x

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about everything. Obviously.

Same as I don’t talk about everything.¬† I don’t think anyone does.¬†

What I do write, though, is painfully honest.¬† And yeah, it’s self-centered drivel, but I don’t care, my blog.¬† And I don’t like to put up alot of other people’s lives up here; just because I find it liberating to write whatever where anyone can see it, doesn’t mean I should impose that on others.

And some stuff is too confronting, too boring, too traumatising, too whatever.

People still judge though, on what they read, or in ‘real life’ on what they see.

And my god, it pisses me off.¬† But I’ll write more about that later.¬† I just seem to be copping it a bit lately, from people who have not much idea of what is going on with me.

No-one has asked if I’m ok.¬† If I need a hand.¬† If theres something I’m not telling them.

It’s like people just assume I’m acting screwy for the hell of it.¬† And that hurts.

I’m past feeling like I owe anyone an explanation at least.

So far past it, I’m just about at WHITE HOT MOTHERFUCKING RAGE.¬† Really, where the HELL do people get off assuming my life is easy, just because I can (usually) keep my shit together just enough for public appearances, look after B-man and go to my very part-time job.

I just…can’t seem to get to what I’m trying to say…

I’m sick of being judged, but I know nothing I do is going to stop it.¬† I never thought me seeming sick, would make people assume pretty much everything and anything other than that I’M ACTUALLY SICK.¬† I must be a pill junkie, or an alcoholic, or just awfully selfish and lazy.

I shouldn’t have to explain myself.¬† And if one of my friends or a family member started acting not like themselves, I’d be worried, ask what’s up.

I certainly wouldn’t totally invade their privacy, for example by looking through their house and sheds while they’re at work, even going as far as looking through the medicine cabinet, and STEALING the most incriminating items I could find.

Which, by the way, was half a bottle of vodka and ONE cigarette. For emergencies.

HOLY SHIT I am a badass, get me to rehab!

I hope they feel like MORONS.  Because I have absolutely NOTHING to hide.  There is nothing on this whole property I could get in trouble for.

‘We’ve just been worried, you haven’t seemed yourself’

“OH, I haven’t SEEMED MYSELF after my life falling apart?? Imagine that!¬†How about ASKING me about it?”

“Don’t take it so personally, you can’t blame us for looking into the situation, there’s Bailey to consider, and he hasn’t seemed that well on the odd occasion you bring him down, and he’s a bit thin”

“My child is fine. Thanks for your concern.¬† I feel really able to come to you if I start having a hard time handling life”

And that’s that, I’d say.

The concern over Bailey, that hurts though.¬† Because I fucking DOTE on that kid.¬† I’m not the most natural mother, hell, I was told I would never have kids so he’s kind of the surprise of my life but I LOVE him. I can honestly say he has never ever gone without.¬† For anything.¬† Anything within my control that is, of course he misses Daddy.

I looked at 4 different schools for him because I knew our local public wouldn’t suit.¬† I hate cooking, but I do it because I hate feeding him processed shit.¬† I love hanging out with him, and he is the sort of kid you can take anywhere and know he’ll behave.¬† He comes to work with me, and loves ‘helping’ put the horses to bed.

I love being a parent.  And I hate how defensive one comment has made me.

Family….

x

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