Can we all just keep in mind what it says up there about no judgement?
I haven’t had sex yet this year. And that is an actual achievement for me. It’s been roughly 30 days, 21 hours, 14 minutes, 6 seconds.
I haven’t gone that long in…I guess nearly 9 years.
I have a …problem… with sex, I guess. We spoke about it in therapy today, with me scratching patterns on the couch, unable to make eye contact, twirling my hair, biting my lip. Forcing the words out.
To the two? people who come here, and know me personally, if you choose to read on, keep in mind we’ll probably have to see each other and make eye contact at some point đ
Now I realise that alot of the issue is that I was sexualised way too young, in obviously inappropriate circumstances. Which apparently lead me into associating sex with self-worth, using it as a crutch, using it as a measure of affection, as ….medicine…. almost.
Feeling shitty, and unworthy, maybe lonely? Quick, have sex.
Stressed because you have cancer? Sex works.
Had an awful experience, a fight with family, a graphic flashback? Use sex to come down.
Obviously things are different now, that I don’t have a solid relationship. I guess I couldn’t really gauge the extent of the problem until the availability of sex was reduced, and I found myself in an almost purely sexual relationship. Which does actually go against who I’d like to be, honestly.
And when I say ‘found myself’, of course I mean deliberately created.
The problem is, I can’t actually differentiate normal, healthy sexual desire (if that even exists for me) from the other thing. Using it just to make myself feel better momentarily. I can usually tell after the fact, by whether I feel happy and bouncy, or depressed, or just a little numb, or tearful.
A few months ago in therapy, we discussed what would happen if I were -gasp- not in a sexual relationship for awhile – at the time I was still sleeping with Craig.
 “There are other things you can do to get that release, you don’t have to sleep with someone”
It took me a good, I dunno, 30 seconds to realise what she was talking about. I’m not usually a slow kind of person. I guess it just didn’t occur to me because the ‘release’ -snigger- isn’t really what I crave.
“I don’t think that would … do it … for me”
I think that was about when I realised this is so much more than a high sex drive.
*****
‘The Doctor’ is coming over tonight, and I’ve told him I’m not going to have sex with him. If I end up deciding to, I want it to be because I want to, not just because it’s easier, or because I’ve had a bad day.
1. Youâre familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry OâBrien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.
2. You know that Burger King doesnât exist. Itâs Hungry Jacks.
3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes itâs even fake.
4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-string.
5. You know that âstubbiesâ are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a âgimpâ, âboganâ or âgeezerâ is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in âstrifeâ and youâre liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans ârootingâ for something.
4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.
5. You know that some ppl pronounce Australia like âStraylaâ and thatâs ok.
6. You know that there is a universal place called âwoop woopâ located in the middle of nowhere⌠no matter where you actually are.
7. You know that while we call our friends âmatesâ, we donât use terms like âsheilaâ and âshrimp on the barbieâ, contrary to popular belief.
8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
9. Youâve seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Murielâs Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even WolfCreek.
10. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian⌠Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian ThorpeâŚ
11. One word: Skippy.
12. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just fucking rock.
13. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases (remote Aboriginal communities are a different matter)
14. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you donât count 1788).
15. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and fahrenheit will ever offer.
16. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.
17. If youâre a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. âHit and runsâ just arenât cricket. Because Aussies stick together.
18. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent and, for some bizare reason, think that they invented pavlova. They are to be pitied. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.
19. You know that you canât eat Fantales alone⌠Otherwise who will you play the âWho am IâŚâ game with when youâre reading the wrapper?
20. You know that Sydney should be the capital, because Canberra is a hole.
21. You know that Americans think weâre all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldnât be more wrong.
22. You know that lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.
23. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
24. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread⌠and actually grow to like it. Youâve also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
25. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good olâ Johnny Howard.
26. You have the ability to compress several words into one â ie âgâdayâ and âdâreckn?â. This allows more space for profanities.
27. Youâve ever used the words â tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet â to mean good. And then you place âbloodyâ in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
28. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
29. You say âno worriesâ quite often, whether you realise it or not.
30. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you canât imagine your childhood without it.
31. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still donât know what âgirtâ means. And youâre ok with that.
32. Youâve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
33. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the âone bounce, one handâ rule always applies.
34. You know that we are home to the just about all of the worldâs deadliest of animals. Thatâs why if anybody messes with us weâll get some funnel webs on their arses.
35. You see people walking bare-foot on the footpath and donât scornâŚ. because youâre doing it too.
36. You know that in summer a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
36. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.
37. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.
38. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, âsheâll be right, mateâ.
39. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of booze⌠but you canât remember.
40. You own a Bondâs chesty. In several different colours.
41. Youâve ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
42. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.Â
43. You know how to slip, slop, slap like itâs nobodyâs business.
44. Youâve heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as âun-Australianâ, and thatâs enough to make us sit down and shut up.
45. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alchohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.
46. You refer to someone you like as âa total bastardâ, but call someone you donât like âa bit of a bastardâ.
47. You know thereâs no lbw in backyard cricket, and over the fence is out.
48. You know Drop Bears exist. Positively.
49. You know you that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
50.You know Australia IS the best bloody place on earth. Bar none.
Ahh, my beloved country, where to begin? I’m not going to rag on about all the facts and figures you could just google – yes, it’s a big place, mostly desert, some refer to it as a country, some a continent, and everything here seems to be poisonous.
 I live in the hills about an hour out of Perth, which is the capital city of Western Australia – and the most isolated capital city in the world. What that means in real terms, is that crap-all good bands, shows, exhibitions etc tend to come here.
This is what it looks like where I live at the moment – and it is hot, about 42 (that’s about 108 fahrenheit). Most things are dead – and we have had a really mild summer with a late winter.
We have gorgeous beaches – this is where I grew up –
And where I’m hoping to be living next year –
We have a great music scene, off the top of my head Powderfinger, Missy Higgins, Gyroscope, ACDC, Choirboys, INXS, Crowded House, Jet, Silverchair, Savage Garden, You am I, George, Sia, Hilltop Hoods, The Superjesus, Wolfmother, Hunters and Collectors, Jimmy Barnes, Something for Kate, Sarah Blasko (ok I’ll stop) are all worth a listen, depending on your taste.
Notice I didn’t mention Kylie Minogue? Yeah, there’s a reason for that.
I’ve never heard anyone say ‘throw a shrimp on the barbie mate’. Well only Americans :). We call them prawns, for a start.
Racism is a huge issue here – I love being part of a multicultural society but there is alot of tension. It’s considered fairly socially acceptable to have ‘fuck off, we’re full’ stickers on cars. Makes picking out the uneducated bogans easier though.
Stuff is kinda expensive here – I went shopping with a guy from New York (‘the doctor’) the other day, he was pretty in awe of the prices – and we were at an outlet centre. Food and bills too – it is more expensive to grow things here, and transport is more cause we’re pretty isolated I guess.
He says I’m the ‘quintessential aussie girl’ because I grew up on the beach, wear thongs (flipflops!! :P) everywhere, and say ‘mate’ and ‘no worries’ alot.
We tend to drink alot – it’s a fairly big thing in our ‘culture’. No-one drinks Fosters though. There are alot of programs, advertising campaigns etc to try and reverse this a little, but I think it’ll take a couple of generations at least. Alcohol fuelled violence is a big issue, and our legal age is 18, but I don’t know many people who waited that long to regularly get drunk. Smoking dope is technically illegal, but it’s not seen as a big deal at all.
Some of the things I love about Australia are the beaches, wide open spaces, winter and spring down south, the smell of woodfires, the way we can poke fun at ourselves, the educational opportunities that are available to everyone, the sunsets, barbeques, thongs, the smell of reef coconut oil, Vegemite, seeing roos at work, surf clothes, music, double coat timtams amd our general ‘mateship’.
Some things I don’t love quite so much, include the fucking flies!, mozzie swarms, spiders – huge fucking spiders, no snow – unless you live over east and it’s still not really decent, the heat – and I don’t even live in the reallly hot part, no Starbucks, people using the word ‘cunt’ in every second sentence, our health system – yes I know it’s apparently comparatively wonderful – but I resent paying through my taxes, paying for private cover, paying a gap fee, and still having to independently source testing. The red dust that gets everywhere, the blatant racism, the ‘she’ll be right’ attitude towards mental health….annnnd I’m going to stop there, because I really do love my country and way of life. I know I’m blessed.
No this is an actual, human, guy. He’s 30 – tick, very much has his own life – tick, he’s funny, very smart, a good dad, tick tick tick. He has a really cool name, but a close friend gave him the nickname of ‘The Doctor’, so that’s what I’ll stick with here.
We can talk about anything and everything, religion, philosophy, 90’s tv shows. He’s well-travelled, well-educated and not just in the ‘book learning‘ sense…
He has maybe the deepest eyes I’ve ever seen.
He doesn’t expect anything from me, and I don’t expect anything from him. We’re in similar situations with our exes, and he can see mistakes he made in his previous relationship, and doesn’t have an issue owning them. Neither of us is available for anything full-on, which works for now.
He’s not perfect, no-one is, and I can already see a few…bad points sounds too harsh…incompatibilities……but I like him, as a person, as a friend, maybe as something more.
He is maybe a little…more forward…than I’d like physically….but that is something that I need to learn to be more assertive about…and so I am. Along with gaining some self-control.
He is nice to me, and sometimes that’s ok, and sometimes it’s….not ok…. I don’t know why it hurts so much for a guy to be nice to me. It’s not like I want him to not be nice to me.
Occasionally he’ll say something sweet and it feels like my heart is being ripped out – an intense kind of pain. Other times it’s just an ache…
*****
Tomorrow is my -our- first wedding anniversary. Only one year since we promised forever.
Let’s not fight, I’m tired, can’t we just sleep tonight?                                                                      Â
 Don’t turn away, it’s just that there’s nothing left here to say.Â
 Turn around, I know we’re lost but soon we’ll  Â
Not that I’ve ever felt ‘at home’ anywhere, but it feels like I can’t get back to myself, to the Ash I was before all of this.
I miss her.
She was strong, and brave, and funny. She could cope with a lot, and not buckle under pressure. She could beat cancer, laughed during chemo, and shaved her head when it wasn’t worth trying to hold onto scraps of hair anymore.
She loved her animals and never considered rehoming any of them.Â
She adored her son, but could have time out without feeling the slightest pang of guilt.
She had had one sexual partner in 8 years, and believed that sex should be a sacred act between you and the one you are in love with, and should never be casual fun.
She cried sometimes, over books, movies, and once a commercial, and people would try not to laugh. When she cried over something real, like death in the family, or a friend having an awful time, she had someone to hold her.
She could smile and laugh and joke with people without the help of alcohol or feeling exhausted after.
She was kind of cool actually, I don’t know why I never really liked her.
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 5 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Thanks to Mindfuckery for the nomination this time around!
OK so another 7 things you might not know about me…
1. My son is starting school in a couple of weeks, and I already feel guilty. He’s looking forward to it, but I feel like I may as well be sending him to some kind of institution, because that’s how school was for me.
2. I love 90’s music.
3. My favourite colour is pink.
4. I live in Western Australia.
5. My only New Year’s Resolution is less men – I got a little out of control after my seperation last year and I’m not looking for a repeat.
6. But this really nice guy just asked me out for Friday, and I think I’ll go anyway.
7. I hate my name. It’s Ashley. Blergh.
OK, another 5 blogs…I know it said 15 but last time I did this it was 5 and I think that’s better đ
2. MY story of survival after sexual assault – I read a couple of her blogs…I love it when people like this lady see a problem in the world and try to actually do something about it.
3. Bipolar2Happiness – I’ve just started reading this blog and she has already left me a couple of lovely comments đ
Hypersensationalism 