Going crazy

Someone once said to me that if you have truly lost it you don’t even know.

Well, that’s reassuring. As long as I *think* I’m clearly crazy, I’m ok.

The last fortnight has been shocking for me. Take some major personal events, illness, a sick 3year old, bring up a whole heap of baggage, add in loads of sleep-deprivation and that’s it. I feel like I’ve had it. The only comforting thought I can come up with is that at least I’m too tired to properly think things through and actually expect myself to deal with them.

At this point in time I’m about as random as I was dealing with both chemo and baby-brain. Can’t find anything, can’t eat properly, can’t sleep, can barely remember my own name and god help you if you expect me to help with anything. I’m having horrible nightmares pretty much every night and have no idea what to do about that. Or the rest of it.

I can still see some positives though. I’ve lost a little bit of weight for a start. I don’t know what from but hey, weight is weight. I’m so glad I don’t work with other people. When I go to work, its just me, the horses and my ipod.  They don’t care how crazy I act, as long as I remember to feed them *something*.

Only like 7 weeks until our US and Canada holiday now. I have been pretty excited about it but now I feel quite flat. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when we get there.  A few weeks ago I was dreading the flight, now I’m strangely looking forward to it. Hours of just sitting on my ass, reading and listening to music, bliss! 🙂

x

 

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Faded Friendships

I always feel a little sad when my friendships fade.

A few years ago, when I first moved to this town, I met this great chick. We are both riders, live within 5 minutes drive of each other and we both have one son. The first time we had coffee we ended up talking for hours and I felt like we really clicked. From then on we got pretty close, confided some pretty personal stuff in each other and would generally see each other weekly, plus we’d email etc in between. This went on for about a year.

Then, something changed. I still don’t know what. It was like she just didn’t value me as a friend anymore. For awhile I thought yeah, she’s just busy. She runs her own business as well as being a mum, having horses and other animals etc. But then I’d hear stuff about what was going on in her life through mutual friends, and it was the sort of stuff that she would have previously told me about straight away. So I emailed her fairly regularly, just asking how she was, and occasionally asking if she wanted to catch up. I asked her once or twice if I’d done something to offend her, or if she was mad or whatever at me, but she was adamant it was nothing at all like that, saying I still love you and think about you all the time.  We’ve probably seen each other every few months since things changed and it’s always because I’ve suggested it.

So a few months ago I went with her to a horseshow to give her a hand. As we were driving back she said something like “I was thinking about you the other day, and wondering what happened to our weekly catch ups “. The way she said it made me think she was interested in starting them up again, so I said “Well I’m pretty free Thursday mornings if you ever want to get together”. She responded enthusiastically, then we got to talking about my wedding, her saying how she wanted to help do all the stationary cause she gets a lot of the crafty type stuff for her business.

Couple of weeks go by and all I get is a text telling me she’s sold her horse, so I congratulated her and was genuinely happy for her. Another few weeks and she’s brought another horse, which would be a huge deal to her.  A couple of weeks later we’re chatting on facebook and I ask when I get to meet the new addition. She says she’d love for me to meet him, and she’ll ring me within the next couple of days because she’s just waiting to see if she can get an appointment but she’s definitely free either Thursday or Friday. She didn’t contact me, and by this point I’m a bit ‘meh’ towards her anyway.

That was a few weeks ago now. I did email her the other day asking about purchasing something from her business but haven’t heard back. I think I’m just going to leave it *shrug*. I feel like I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt, been really understanding and given her the opportunity to tell me if something is wrong, so I don’t think I should do much more. The interesting thing, is that back when we used to talk alot, she kind of had the same thing happen to her. I remember her being just so upset, to the point of tears, over this woman who’d been a pretty close friend and had just distanced herself from her, would constantly break arrangements etc. We talked about it for *hours* and both of us said that we were more into ‘proper’ friendships, rather than casual ones that only exist when its easy and convenient.

Maybe she’ll come back into my life, maybe not 🙂

x

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Tomorrow, when the war began.

Let me start by saying I *love* these books. I read the series quite a few times as a teenager, and a few more times as an adult. They never seem to get old.

So I was in 2 minds when I heard the first book was (finally!) being made into a movie. I was excited but also worried I’d be horribly disappointed. To be honest, I usually don’t like Aussie films. So shoot me. I can’t help it.

I think book to movie adaptations are hard. Things just don’t come across the same way, plus you have audience expectations of characters etc. I was a bit *hmmmm* when they cast the chick from neighbours (I think her name’s Kaitlin Stacey, not sure about the spelling) as the female lead. But I was pleasantly surprised. I’d even go so far as to say she nailed it.  I loved how some of the dialogue read word for word from the book. Sure, a fair bit of stuff was different, but they stayed true the basic story and main events. So all in all, I really enjoyed it.

The only negative thing to me about it, is I feel – like in most aussie movies – that they overdid the ‘australianism’. It just gets to me. I feel like when I see an aussie movie, being australian, I shouldn’t think ‘Wow, that’s a pretty thick aussie accent’.  And also, Ellie’s house was way too modern 😛  Small things, I know.

It’s such a beautiful day today. The sky is a misty blue and it’s warm and sunny with a cool breeze. If my head would stop pounding everytime I stand up, I’d love to go for a walk or maybe do some fencing. As it is I’m living off antibiotics and honey lemon tea. I need to drag myself outside to take the horses rugs off and check waters though.  I’m sure horse hair, pollens and hay will make me feel a whole lot better 😉

x

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Trivial I know…

Do you ever have total what. the. fuck? moments when with your partner?

I usually love my other half dearly. We’ve been together 7yrs, have a house, a beautiful son and a heap of animals together. We’re getting married next year. He’s a great person, honest, kind and incredibly loyal. He’s also the best Daddy I know. He puts up with *alot* from me, I am not an easy person to live with by any stretch of the imagination. I can be clingy, annoyingly indecisive, I constantly do impulsive things and just expect him to go along with it, and I never, ever cook.

Bailey’s daycare is having a break at the moment, so things at home are a bit full on at the moment, plus I have to take him to work with me in the afternoon, so Craig swings by to get him on his way home. I had a fairly busy day yesterday, had a horse to move in the morning, plus Dr’s appointments for both Bailey and I at lunch time. I *hate* going to the Dr, I find it really exhausting, plus I always seem to catch something.

So by the time we’d done all that, we were both pretty over it.

As I was leaving the house I texted him and asked if he could please stop for milk, and that I’d love an iced coffee.  A couple of hours later he rocks up to pick Bailey up, makes a huge fuss of him as usual but barely glances at me. So I just say “Hi” and hey says hi back and then asks B if he’s ready to go. So I say “Hey, did you get my coffee?”. He then proceeds to get shitty at me, apparently my attitude was ‘all wrong’ and I spoke to him ‘in a tone’.  So by this point I’m completely confused and getting pretty upset so I tell him he’s being ridiculous. He says we’ll talk about it later, to which I say there’s nothing to talk about.

I don’t know about other people, but stuff like this really gets to me. I just think that life can be hard enough, with plenty of actual issues without creating new ones. However I am *terrible* at just letting things go, I always seem to need an explanation in order to move on in any way. So, of course, I ask him about it later on in the evening, hoping he’s realised what a jerk he was and is just waiting for the right time to apologise. Yeah right.

The conversation goes around and around, and it feels like he’s grasping at straws to somehow make it my fault. In the end I just say that he’s totally out of line and I won’t put up with it, and we go to sleep. Well he does. I lie awake fuming and tearful.

I know this all sounds completely petty, actually it doesn’t just sound it, it is completely petty. I know that and I feel pathetic even writing about it. A small part of me is hoping he comes home with flowers, chocolate and apologies, the rest of me knows it’s not gonna happen. I think I might try to let this one go and just move on. Which is hard for me but we all have to grow up sometime I guess 🙂

x

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In Remission

Jeez I used to love those words.

I was first diagnosed with cancer when my son was 5 months old. I didn’t have a particularly scary, aggressive type of cancer luckily. In fact, I’m pretty sure the type I had has one of the highest survival rates as far as cancer goes, and it my case it was never truly life-threatening. It is however more complicated than most other cancers, and I will be affected by the residual health problems for the rest of my life. I get so tired my whole body aches at least a couple of times a week. I’m predisposed to hormone imbalances(tick), weight gain(big tick), depression(tick), auto-immune diseases and muscular weakness. Plus a whole heap of other stuff.

I had a bit of a scare last month. I thought I’d relapsed, so had one lot of tests which were inconclusive, so had to go have more.  All up it took six weeks to determine that I am still ‘in remission’ and actually just have a chest and throat infection. I remember thinking to myself when I was quite sick, ‘When they tell me I’m in remission, I’m going to be so so happy.  Life is going to be so different, and I’m going to be the best partner, mother, friend and lover. I’ll never let small things make me unhappy again’. I haven’t changed as much as I would have liked though. Life is amazing like that, people always seem to want more. About 18mths ago *all* I wanted was to go into remission. Now I want more, I want to be rid of the rest of my health problems, I’d like us to be better off, I’d be happier if our property wasn’t a complete dustbowl and I’d like to move closer to the coast.

I do appreciate what I have more though. Most of all I appreciate having the opportunity to grow up relatively healthy. Before getting pregnant with my son I had no real health problems, I never had to stay in hospital for anything (wasn’t even born in one actually) and where and when I grew up kids were still allowed to be kids. We spent our days playing at the beach, in cubbyhouses we made in the bush, riding horses in big paddocks and galloping along in the surf in summer. When we got a bit older it was considered pretty safe for teenagers to go out alone at night, so we’d go to the movies, out for dinner etc. Just pretty normal stuff I guess. But some kids don’t get those opportunities.

x

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Lazy Sunday

Yay, first post.

I’m quite excited about *finally* getting my ass into gear and sitting down to do this.  Only problem is I’m not entirely sure what to write about. I originally just wanted to write ‘for myself’, primarily as motivation to meet my weight loss goals, but now I think I’m just going to write what I’m thinking about and see how I go. I’d be lying if I said I don’t care if nobody at all reads it and I don’t get one comment 🙂 but I’m not telling anyone about this at this point because I want to be totally honest, and if I knew for sure someone was going to be reading I probably wouldn’t be.

Am I supposed to do an ‘intro post’? It just feels a little lame to be like “Hey I’m Ash, I’m a Gemini…” so maybe next time. I think for today I’ll just ease into it and pop up a few random facts about myself.

I have the most beautiful son, to me he is just the best thing in life. His name is Bailey and he’s 3.  He has gorgeous silky blond hair that has ringlets some of the time, and the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I think he is a very nice well-behaved child as far as 3yr old boys go 😉

Today I worked with my ‘project pony’ Elmo. I’ve only had him a couple of weeks. I purchased him from two sisters who had rescued him after he was belted around quite badly and then dumped at an agistment center.  He is a really lovely pony under all the fear and I have pretty high hopes for him, and for me losing enough weight to be able to educate him when the time comes.  Today I just gave him a good brush – he’s totally filthy – and took him for a little walk. It’s amazing how much better he is with Bailey than myself or my partner, even though B can be quite loud and does lots of ‘spooky’ things. I think he just senses the innocence of a child.  It’s quite touching.

I spose I should say something about my weight, considering it’s what first motivated me to do this. Um. It *kills* me to say “I’m overweight”, and I think I’d actually be in the obese category at the moment. I’ve actually been too scared to weigh for the last couple of weeks, and this morning my jeans reached the unwearable stage. The funny thing is I’ve always, always felt big, even when I was within the healthy weight range for my height (which, by the way, is about 50-60 kilos, I’m quite short). So I would crap on and on about how awful I felt about my body, how I so needed to lose some weight, bla bla bla, to my poor long suffering best friend who was actually overweight all through high school. Now when my perfectly healthy, slim, gorgeous friends do the same it really gets to me 😉 Karmas a bitch, hey?

x

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