Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Home’

(again)

 

Up the hill.

Sometimes it seems like it’s either fucking cold or really fucking hot, but we have been having some in-between weather lately and I’m grateful for that. And rain. On my tin roof. Small things matter.

I live in a town that seems further than the hour, or roughly 70kms, that it stands from Perth. Our house is ‘in town’, on a few acres. It’s usually pretty quiet. We’re walking distance to the Primary School, playground, bakery, post office, real estate etc.

I like so many things about living here. Actual seasons, spring especially is amazing. Seeing hayrolls and tractors and lambs. It’s a horse-orientated area and that can be good and not so good. I have some awesome, amazing, wonderful friends. It’s low crime, people look out for each other, kids play outside and get dirty.

We have horses, dogs, chickens, a cat and a rabbit.

If someone wants to make your life hell though, it’s pretty easy to do. If you are ‘different’, people notice. Not much stays private. If you are ‘interesting’ or ‘unusual’, people will discuss your life like it’s a TV show, and then pretend they don’t know you at the next get-together.

The good outweighs the bad, usually. It turns out people are actually pretty protective of Bailey and I here, and rather than being given the cold shoulder when we came back like I half expected, most people were just glad to see that we’re ok.

Sure, people think I’m left-centre, but in a likable way I guess.

I don’t have many recent photos, and my house resembles a construction zone right now anyway, but here’s a few old ones, mostly of Bailey here.

014 157 107 102 125 131 149 153 157 009 236 237 240 245

Ash x

 

Read Full Post »

Hey guys.

I’ve been so sick. I also moved. Twice kind of. I’ve slipped back into my old life and its not awful. It needs work but its ok. I’m ok.

I’m a little fragile. There’s been some big readjustments. The time I was supposed to have ‘off’ between treatment and starting on long term medications was a major fuck up, I ended up incredibly unwell and kind of between houses and broke all at once. Thank goodness for friends and family.

Im trying really hard to be here and make things work. And I am seeing people more clearly – people care so much for Bailey and I here, and I could just never let myself feel that before.

Good days and bad days – here’s a good one –

Image

It’s starting to seem like Craig isn’t as into being a father anymore, so I have to do more and be more – but that’s an honour and a privilege.

Saw this awesome chick live the other night, at the beach under the stars – amazing.

I miss all my blog friends. I’m setting up my desk and hopefully somehow fixing my computer tomorrow, and I can’t wait to sit down and catch up on what everyone’s been up to. Or to write a real post. I suddenly have a lot to say, words rolling around that I can’t wait to let out.

Ash xx

(more…)

Read Full Post »

is how this feels.

It’s warm (yes, I’m discussing the weather after being a bitch about that). I just had a major breakthrough health-wise. I kind of want to write something, swim in the ocean, lie in the sun, eat whole foods.

Pretty much how I felt almost a year ago, rocking up here with my kid and fur-kids. Totally spent, stripping off those outside layers. I have until January to salvage what’s left of this year, and then I have to go ‘home’.  Well, back to what I’ll have to make a home, because it’s really the only place we have available to us.

I’m fucking terrified, when I stop and think about it. I didn’t really think I’d ever go back.

Maybe it will seem like this year never happened, and I can just kinda slip back into my job, studying online, coffee with other mums. Maybe I’m too different now, and I just don’t know it yet. I know I have like, three friends up there who have stuck by me. I have no idea about the rest.

God, I’m so glad I was here to fall apart. I can’t imagine what it would have been like up the hill. Totally unbearable I’d guess.

Maybe that is what I’m scared of – I go back, take on a mortgage, take responsibility for myself and Bailey and build us a life together, and something awful happens. I came here needing rest and strength and ended up in the hardest year of my life. I’m gritting my teeth writing this, and feeling so weak, but I. can’t. handle. much. more.

And I have some massive decisions to make.

So now that I’ve hashed all that out, I guess the question to ask myself is, ‘what should I do now?’

Try and build some strength. Make the most of this treatment break, nourish my body, allow myself to feel while I have time and space.

Walk everyday, write everyday, drink water, detox and declutter.

Accept what is and make the best of it.

xx

Read Full Post »

Do we all have somewhere like this?

A place that makes us feel like this?

I went for a drive last week. I chucked the dogs in my old white wagon, wound the windows down (sprayed for spiders), and went for an explore.

I drove past old friends houses, and where everyone used to congregate around the mulberry tree. On shiny paved roads through what used to be bush, with names like Gumtree, Cockatiel, Bottlebrush.  Past the house my Dad built, where they sell fresh eggs for $4 a dozen. Where the haunted house with the tennis courts was, units now.

Surfing beaches, swimming beaches, fishing beaches. The local names, Cosies, Dumpers, Fenceline. I wondered if people still use them.

Image

I stopped at the old local instead of the new chain supermarket for grapes and chocolate.

My first best friend’s mum looked me straight in the eye and asked if she could help me with anything.

I just smiled, because I don’t recognise me either.

This year hasn’t been a waste of time. It’s felt like it at times but I’m. Beating. Cancer.

Everyday I wake up and get out of bed, and make coffee, and joke with Bailey, and go to the beach and drive too fast and drag myself to treatment I’m beating cancer, and that’s what I have to focus on right now.

I’ve got that burning enthusiasm again, that I lost somewhere between marriage and separation and cancer and mediocrity. It’s mental, my body doesn’t follow through, but maybe it will.

I’ve got plans, and backups, and itchy feet, and sun streaming through the windows, after what felt like the longest winter ever.

x

ps – I haven’t been around much. The last lot of treatment kicked my ass BADLY. But. IT’S WORKING. So now I’m gonna go catch up on what everyone else has been doing xx

Read Full Post »

So, it’s all been a little depressing around here lately.

I thought a few of you might be interested in some pictures of where I’m living now, aka my hometown. Home-suburb now within a city. Whatever.

I don’t have an iPhone right now (LOL) so I’m going to stalk through what I have on the puter, plus hit up google.

Presenting :

beach1

I must have spent half my childhood here

imagesCASSZQJT

It’s generally at least this pretty over the water

imagesCAOPTQHS

In town, on the foreshore

imagesCA35LGSD

The estuary

imagesCALT8LKX

The ‘old bridge’ into town

aaaand an update:

I think I’m doing a little less crappy, it’s hard to tell. I think just talking a little bit helps to some degree… I know lots of people probably think I’m insane but I decided to leave the anti-depressants / anxiety medication for the time being. I just can’t stand the thought of putting anything else chemical into my body right now :(.

The phone issue is kinda bigger than ben hur at the moment…but at least it is giving me something to focus I guess. I’m completely pissed off at their shitty handling of the situation…but I will go into it more once it’s sorted.

Treatment is meh. Ok. You know, just one of those things. I got over the pneumonia pretty quickly.

I’m just keeping on keeping on I guess.

x

Read Full Post »

It’s verge collection time.

When everyone throws out their unwanted junk, old furniture, fridges, boxy tvs.

This house is full of old junk, my grandfather is a hoarder. It’s an illness, they say. I wish I could open all the windows, crank some Pearl Jam, and ditch things over the balcony. Start again with white cane and furniture made of driftwood.

It’s more about me than the house, wanting things fresh and new, of course. My messenger bleeps and I see it’s my tenant from up the hill, asking what type of garden edging I’d like.

Whatever, I text. Whatever you’d like, what you think is best.

She thinks I’m the best landlady ever.

My friend, who I’ve let ride my good horse this year, calls for a chat, asking me about moving agistment centres, if he might need the chiro, she went out on Saturday and a bit of fencing was down and I just want to scream.

‘Why won’t you people leave me alone and here’s my credit card number and it’s not that I don’t care it’s because I just can’t and if I could I would have stayed at home!’

Fuck. And the thing is, I could be feeling fine tomorrow. I’m deliberately not making any big decisions, not doing anything I can’t undo because I’m not to be trusted at the moment.

It’s the only damage control I can exercise when my brain and body are on the edge of a freak-out. I throw $30 of steak to the dogs because I think it ‘smells funny’, vomit in the sink cooking eggs, notice my hands are shaking and my mouth tastes like metal. So I know not to trust myself, this isn’t real, this is just an imbalance and you’re doing everything you can to sort it out, I tell myself.

I’m so lucky. So lucky I have the luxury of being able to give myself some time. The relief floods me sometimes, the feeling of not having to make hard decisions, which horse goes first, do we sell our house now or later or subdivide the land or stick it out or or or. I’m blessed and I know that but my thankfulness doesn’t change the anxiety I feel when people bring up stuff I’d rather not think about, when my beautiful old horse has his first paddock injury in the 8 years I’ve had him, and I have to find the energy reserve I don’t have to deal with things that would have been minor once.

So my best best friend comes and takes Bailey for an icecream, and I sit here and write all this shit out, and work on my novel, and I don’t know what I’d do without my friends. I call my other riding instructor come friend, who I could barely talk to about my own horse and ask if she’d help me run Drum to the vets because I just don’t want to do it by myself, and the answer is of course. I’ll always help where I can. And it took me two whole days of feeling sick over something so minor for it to even occur to me that I could ask for help.

For an apparently smart person, I can be so incredibly slow.

And this morning I woke up to this 🙂

IMG_1991

IMG_1989

Life is good, really everything is fine, I just need my mind and body to catch up 🙂

x

Read Full Post »

Isn’t it funny how random life can be?

I did something I’m not proud of on Sunday. I completely lost my temper, and pretty much had an adult tantrum. There was yelling, swearing, and some furniture may have been thrown.

Of course this is a Craig post. Sorry.

Let me say, that Craig is the worlds worst procrastinator.  And it shits me to tears. He still hasn’t put Bailey on his medicare card for example. It’s been a year.

Part of the arrangement of Bailey and I staying here was that he would help me with practical stuff, and I knew it’d be like pushing shit uphill. What I wasn’t prepared for was the total me, me, me attitude, and him using us having an argument as a reason to not do something for Bailey.

Wouldn’t have picked it, honestly.

So he walks in Sunday, and is rude to me for absolutely no reason, like really no reason, all I’d done is say hi, and asked if he’d received a text. He was totally out of line and I snapped – and I make no apologies for that… He says ‘well I’ll get going then’ and I ask about the shelves he was supposed to put up for Bailey, and the swingset he’s being promising to fix for like 6 months.

I know this is sounding totally petty, bear with me.

‘I’ll do it when it’s convenient for me’

‘Are you serious?’

He confirms that he is, and leaves.

My blood is absolutely boiling, and a little while later I send him a text saying he obviously doesn’t want his stuff, which was strewn all over the front verandah after I did the work packing it and moving it out there, I guess a few weeks ago. He replies back, yes I want it, what are you talking about? And then calls, and I say ‘ Well it’s not really convienient for me having it here’. We have a few choice words, mostly about his total selfishness, and how completely out of line it is to bring doing something for Bailey into being annoyed at me, and how he pisses me off like 80% of the time – but that I’d never, I dunno, stop feeding or playing with or cleaning up after Bailey because of it.  He hangs up, so I start ditching his stuff over the railing onto the driveway.

Yep, I know, psycho territory.

“What are you doing Mummy?”

“I think we’ll have a bonfire darling”

“Yaaayyyyyy!”

He calls back, makes a half-assed attempt to smooth things over without taking any responsibility, so I say if he wants to actually talk I’m here. By this time he’s back at his parents, an hour away.

He actually turned around and drove back.

We had dinner and put Bman to bed, and sat down to talk and I was totally blunt about how disappointed I am in his behaviour and attitude, how much he has changed and how if he continues he is going to end up alone, because no-one would put up with that type of bullshit. And that I really, truly think there is something wrong with him. But that even so – I won’t lie down and take it, and as Bailey gets older, neither will he.

I may have pointed out that he’s acting like a spoilt, selfish little prick, and that he needs to grow up.

I wasn’t in the least bit nice, or apologetic, and why the hell should I be really?

He called me today, and asked if we could please talk on Sunday, and said that he thinks he has made a huge mistake. And that he will come up early and do the shelves, and the swing, and any other stuff – of which there is crap-loads.

If I’d known that totally losing my shit would result in some halfway human behaviour, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to hold onto it all this time 😀

Just so unexpected – doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being nice, but I might stick up for myself a little more 😉

x

Read Full Post »

Does anyone *really* enjoy going?  Or do most people just pretend like me?

My first mothers group experience was awful.  Bailey was a couple of weeks old and at his check-up with the dragon health nurse, she ‘suggested’ (read – guilt tripped me) that I trundle down to the local ‘Young Mums and Bubs’ group, so I could make friends with girls my age with kids around Bailey’s age.  And so that Bailey could ‘socialise’.

Because 2 week old infants do that.

So we went, and I’ll admit I wasn’t overly enthusiastic.  And I’m not always the most outgoing person, but I’ve never had a problem getting along with people and making friends.

These girls were horrible.

I consider myself one of the least judgemental people around.  But jesus.

After meeting these girls, I could kind of understand why I copped a fair bit of shit for being a young-ish mum.  They openly discussed how much they drank and smoked, and what drugs they did throughout pregnancy.  How much money and perks they were getting from the government.  How their parents could fuck off and mind their own business.

It made me so sad for these innocent bubs.  But also for these mums, who for whatever reasons, were heading down a painful road….

Needless to say I didn’t go back, instead I decided to try the other mum’s group in the area.  It wasn’t too bad.  All the other mums were 30 plus, which I didn’t have an issue with, but I did feel sort of talked down to the first time I went, but all in all it was ok until they deemed me as ‘in the group’ and felt it was ok to confess their pre-judgments on a 21 yr old with a newborn.  Who didn’t breastfeed. The horror.

Hahaha, we were a bit worried, but you obviously care for your child.  I mean, you can’t blame us, younger women do seem to have a tougher time raising kids. Look at what’s around” 

After the first mother’s group experience I didn’t feel like I could really defend young mums, so I just kind of felt defeated and uncomfortable. And as they got into the conversation I began to question myself more and more, even imagining that I was a substandard parent because we hadn’t brought a house before having Bailey, because he was bottle-fed (out of necessity), because I didn’t take him to baby-yoga, because we were ‘accidental parents’, and of course the list goes on.

I can see how silly that was now, of course.  It should have taken me one look at my happy healthy bub to know that wasn’t the case, but instead I continued to let it eat at me for the next couple of years, blaming myself everytime he threw-up or had a temperature or I didn’t know what he wanted.  Everytime he hit his head, or I couldn’t sooth his teething pain, and that one time when he had to be rushed to the hospital, was because I was an inadequate parent.

Luckily I now know that’s not true, but of course I doubt myself a fair bit.  The thing that has changed the most is that I now realise how lucky I was to have him when I did, before my health went downhill.  And even if it hadn’t, I still think the timing was good. For me, anyway.

I don’t know what I’d do without him ❤

x

Read Full Post »

I miscarried 😦

It sucks, and I’m hurting badly, feeling enormous guilt over being stressed about the pregnancy.

I know logically there was nothing I could have done.  It just doesn’t feel that way.

I know I’m lucky to have one healthy child, a roof over our heads, food when we are hungry, clean water to drink and some extras.

But I just…fuck…feel like I have reached some kind of limit….

Fuck.

x

Read Full Post »

wrote about, is making my head spin.

And it’s making my breasts hurt, giving me stupid cravings, making me feel nauseas and dizzy…but I wouldn’t trade it.

Even though I was actively trying not to be in this situation, now that I am, I’d do anything to stay this way. 

This way = starts with a pr, ends in egnant.

And that’s awesome.  Not a fantastic time for me health-wise, at all. Or relationship-wise.

And I know there’s a decent chance I won’t stay this way, and that’s terrifying.

I have so many feelings about this.

Disbelief is a big one.  Because, yeah, I was trying not to, and used protection every. single. time.  And why now? Why not when I actually was trying?

I’m not complaining.  Just wondering about the chances.

I’m excited too, and trying not to be.  In my head ‘it’s’ already a baby, and I love babies, and I love being a mummy.

I’ll be heartbroken if anything goes wrong, that’s really the reason we stopped trying, because I wasn’t coping with miscarrying, and Bailey is a beautiful gift.

It felt greedy to keep asking.

But here I am.

x

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »