When I crash, it’s like this leaching hole of nothingness, and then frantic manic activity while I try to claw my way out. It’s cigarettes and beer and sedatives and sex. It’s sneaky and insidious and before I know it, I don’t want to get out of bed, the horses’ shoes are falling off and I don’t know what we’re going to have for dinner again. So much of this is internal, and well-hidden, but it’s seeping out, and people are actually noticing. I can’t hide behind ‘treatment’, or ‘just tired’ anymore, and I don’t want to be like this. No-one believes I’m mentally ill, just traumatised, but when does one melt into the other? Where is this blurred line?
Recovery is yoga, vegetarianism and writing. It’s light and warmth, friends and work. Quiet productivity. I just, I can’t keep this cycle going. I can’t get out of it either. It hurts. I got through cancer and separation and abuse and judgement, but this is fucking my life up. It doesn’t feel fair. Like I’ve said before, there’s no balance, there’s no ‘go through hell now and then things will level out’ trade-off.
I know I could do well at life, on my terms, if I could get out of this. When I’m well, I’m dynamic, I get shit done, I’m bright. When I’m not ok, I systematically destroy that, like knocking down sandcastles at the beach. I fought SO HARD for what we have. I took on someone I love when I wanted to just give in, and say ‘you know what? Have the house. Fucking burn it down’. I fought myself and I fought him. I sold things and took out loans and I neglected myself so my son wouldn’t have to see any more pain.
On the surface, it was worth it.
Dig a little deeper, maybe not.
I love this. When I get what I want, I never want it again.
Ash x
ps – if you like me – #cometothepartycourtneylove I have a significant birthday coming up and I can live in hope 😉
Sending you some love sugar xoxoxo
Thankyou Donna, and to you xx
It was worth it and as time passes, you’ll feel better and more in control. I can see in the way your writings have changed that it’s happening now.
Thankyou…how are you doing?x
About the same. The cancer is controlled right now as are the depressions. The hot flashes are pretty intense, though.
Recovery, in my mind, is a term that doesn’t fit mental illness. There is no real end to it, no real recovery. It isn’t like being sick where you’ll be all better in a day or two, it’s a lifelong battle. Some days we can win, some days we will lose. It also can very by the minute, up to by the month. Not only is it life in general, it’s the choices we make that shape the path. Every choice has a consequence. In general if we make good choices good things happen, and the opposite as well. Some times we have to choose the lesser of two evils and hope for the best. Some things we will never really see the end of, and we have to get to a point where we are ok with that. We are the best we can be at that moment, that week, that month. You are an awesome person, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
You know what, you’re fucking right, and that’s something I struggle with, that I’ve written about a lot here. It’s management really, isn’t it. I don’t feel awesome, but thankyou, so much xx
I’m there too. I’m not sure if writing has ever resonated with me like this has.
Amazing compliment, thankyou xx
Hang in there. And keep pushing. It always gets bad… But it always gets better. Am I right? 😉
Keep your chin up. Brave the good with the bad and do your best to roll with the punches. You’re not alone. Keep up the fine fight!
You are right 🙂 waiting, waiting…
Thankyou xx