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Archive for August, 2014

Hey guys, seems time for a life update yeah?

So, you’ll never guess what. I’m still off mainstream treatment, and still holding steady. I have good days (like yesterday) and very flat days (like today). I’ve lost some weight (I needed to, and should keep dropping naturally I hope) and my cycle is slowly becoming regular. My skin is looking better, I haven’t needed a nap in the afternoon in ages, and I’ve slowly started riding again 🙂

My best mate lives with us now, it’s awesome. Saved my ass financially too. And sometimes, she makes my bed ❤

Everything is so up in the air but I’m fighting in the only ways I can to keep our house and lifestyle, and that’s that. Underneath that, I’m stable. I have shitty horrible days but I’m ok. I know myself. I’m single and actually good with that to the point of wanting to stay that way. Bailey is just a livewire, bright and happy. He’s developed a real sense of humour (god knows he’ll need it) and his creativity has been shining through. We’re still ‘homeschooling’ (legally, though truth be told we tend to edge more toward unschooling these days, not that we try to fit into any particular category) and I can’t see us re-entering mainstream education any time soon. It just works for us. I regret putting him into school in the first place, I had that spot in my tummy where you know something’s not right but I just I don’t know? Wanted us to fit in? I guess school is just the thing to do, and there aren’t a lot of options here.

Everything is geared towards people entering the mainstream education system. Doesn’t mean it’s bad, just not for everyone I guess. 

So yeah, that’s us. There’s been a lot of friend drama, house drama, financial drama but I feel removed from it all most of the time. It doesn’t matter. It’s highly likely I’ll end up walking out of this house with nothing to show for it but that’s ok. If I’m here for one year or ten before starting over I’m just going to make the best of it. We like it here. It’s cruisy and I have the best work and friends, but I find gorgeous people anywhere i go and Bailey seems the same. I want to stay here as long as possible, because we’re set but when it’s time to go, I won’t grieve. 

Sunsets and stars. Bonfires. Hugs and true friends and the smell of rain. I can have the important things anywhere we go.

x

 

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‘Who knows, and does it matter?’ I scratched a pattern on the sheet. ‘I don’t think I need to define it. I’ve been there. Straight. I’m straight. But then I’m not.’

She yawned, luxuriously, not bothering to cover herself as she stretched. ‘Maybe it doesn’t matter. I just think that I deserve to know. Is this real?’

‘It’s as real as anything else.’

*******

All of my relationships have been with men. Nice, not so nice, tall, blonde, funny, smart, but all of them men. Writers and labourers and dealers and doctors. So would you assume I’m ‘straight’? Does it matter?

All of that, relationships and rules and limits, seems so far away now, almost alien. 

It took me so long to drop the labels. I wish they didn’t exist. Sexuality, to me, is gorgeous and intrinsic and can be so, I don’t know, fluid? It’s so hard to put what I’m trying to say into writing. I wish no-one had to ‘come out’, and we would just love who we love and that’s it. Isn’t it odd to have all these expectations and boxes and contracts. I understand the level of relief some people must feel when their sexuality has a name and is accepted. I’ve just always felt sort of…straight-jacketed, I guess… by labels, but it seems like society is so uncomfortable and overly invested in people not having one, and I’m insecure enough to let that bother me still.

Some experiences just are what they are, whether it’s a lasting enduring love, a passing attraction, or one intense night with someone. I don’t want to over-think and label everything. It truly doesn’t matter, and life is swirly and confusing and connections with people are special. 

I still can’t touch what I’m saying. I’ve slept with people I’ve loved and disliked and felt ambivalence towards. I change. It changes. Needs and wants change. Can your sexuality change? I don’t know. Do people have a true base sexuality that fits into one of five (? that I can think of) categories and are the layers on top a nature vs nurture type deal? Why does it matter? People do care who you sleep with. No one ‘comes out’ as straight. 

Freedom in all ways can be so intoxicating, and sometimes it seems like there’s no rules left. 

So beautiful.

x

 

 

 

 

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It is what it is

Sometimes I feel like I repeat this to myself 100, 400, 56000 times a day. It is what it is what it is what it is. It helps me keep my shit together. Life is frantic, like a drug trip, and excrutiatingly slow all at once. Nothing matters right now and every minute detail feels significant.

Some days I wake up and it’s like, oh fuck another one again really? So soon? Then there’s music and coffee and sun streaming through hayrolls and the funniest 7 year old in the world. And it’s ok. I think. I don’t even know any more.

If it’s not, it will be, it has to be, it will be.

Lightning struck my tree. It was awesome, so loud. I put my hands on it the next day and there was all this energy. I felt sad that so much bark got blown off it and some of it twisted and landed in a perfect cross and even the neighbours and friends all came to see and it seemed bizarre, but it happens every day I suppose. My computer broke along with the rest of the house, and all I could afford was this HP thing and of course nothing I own is compatible, but if I can figure it out I’ll add photos.

When my divorce happens – which could be close to 2 years – I’m going to have the biggest fuckton bonfire you ever saw. With dancing and beating drums and flower chains. Maybe that’s in poor taste and I’ll change my mind but for now it feels good. Everyone who likes me can come. That was hard to write d i v o r c e. Because we chose each other and we chose wrong. But it’s not wrong because Bailey, so does that mean we just took a wrong turn? Or does nothing mean anything and there is no right and wrong, just varying shades of grey. It is what it is. Out of my hands completely at this point, and that’s challenging.

Maybe there’s just all these people spinning around and we flit in and out of each other existences and that’s all anything is. Luck and chance and hope for a connection. 

x

 

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