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Archive for June, 2012

Another one of those ‘just write and write and write it all out’ days.

I’ve been feeling different. Better some days, sunlight peeking through cracks. Wanting to ride, to see people, to be good to myself.

A little clarity.

I know a lot of things I struggle with aren’t really my fault. Cancer, childhood abuse, random bad luck.

I’ve done 

I’m doing something. That is totally my fault. And won’t end well.

Seeing someone I shouldn’t be, because I’m weak. For no real reason, and it won’t be worth it when it all ends. I like him…I enjoy his company. We’re not compatible in any way. I mean in any long-term way, we get along great. He’s funny, smart, ironic, fucked up. God, I really like him. A highly functioning alcoholic.

We relate well.

The sex is great.

Craig’d never forgive me if he knew. I should just change that to he will never forgive me, when he finds out.

I just…don’t know what’s wrong with me. On the whole Craig and I have been getting along better…I still want him. I know underneath the layers of hurt and resentment we love each other. We’re always there if we really need each other. Still. And I’ve made it so there’s no chance of a reconciliation.

Might not have been anyway. But still no reason for me to pursue something with someone he intensely dislikes for good reason. Disrespectful.

I just started it -or let it start?- because the opportunity arose and I didn’t give a fuck about the outcome at the time. And now it’s been months and I’m in deeper than I ever planned. Not that I planned at all. Or even thought, really.

And all these people who say they admire me, that I keep my shit together, that I’m strong and brave and a good mother, they don’t know me. Even worse, I have friends who make excuses for me. For my behaviour. I could do better. I just choose not to.

Just breathe.

Am I too hard on myself, or not hard enough?

x

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is just the most beautiful child.

 And now he is FIVE

He is funny and smart and brave and kind.

He loves books, animals, anything with wheels, cooking, being tickled and pony rides.

He doesn’t like loud noises, crowds, being bossed around and the naughty corner. Or spiders.

I love him more than life, more than I knew I could.

‘I love you Mummy’

‘I love you, my darling’

‘I feel how I love you in my chest. And when you make my bed warm. And cook chicken the best’

If I could only ever do one thing right in life, I’d want it to be looking after my Bailey.

x

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I need to write more….

because it helps me.

I’ve been…not myself…lately.  I’ve avoided writing here because I don’t want to confront my life and how I’m feeling.

 Gutless.

I’ve done some stupid things. I freaked out emotionally. I can’t relate to people right now, but I can write and write and write it all out and try to free up some space in my head.

It’s hard when you don’t know where to start.

I’m having lots of ‘what the fuck happened to my life’ moments, and sometimes I feel like I could drown in it.

I’m not nice to be around.

I’m distant, and I find small talk frustrating and pointless. Or I’m draining, an emotional vampire…

My car fucked up yesterday and I cried for two hours. Some of it in front of Bailey. Which I normally never. ever. do. Mother-guilt is the worst.

I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of shit-spiral, but I also know how much worse things can get and I’m unbelievably grateful. Because I don’t think I could do things getting worse right now.

Maybe if I’d just, I dunno, had a cry, written some venty posts about that fucking shitty c-word and the other stuff, I wouldn’t be feeling so absolutely awful.

I do tend to compound issues trying to avoid them.

Writing helps.

*****

Theres a big fuck-off storm here tonight and I’m kind of liking it. I’ve always liked a bit of weather. Except that I *just* heard something hit the side of the house fairly loudly. Hmmm. And I got home to horses running everywhere so may have a fence or two down. Joy.

My beautiful darling boy has turned 5, and there will be a dedicated post before too long. He’s just freaking awesome. I’m so thankful for him.

I have rainbow hair again! A desperate attempt to cheer myself up. I have been down. Way down.

I woke up this morning and kind of wanted to do life again. Not meaning I was suicidal, but I just couldn’t find any interest other that basic survival. And just pretending and trying to say and do what people expect. I’ve felt so out of touch with myself, and I’m glad to be back a little bit. And everyone’s waiting. Myself most of all.

x

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