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Archive for August, 2012

Puppies!

We have puppies! They’ll be 4 weeks on Monday. They were surprise puppies – I was given this lovely little dog for company for my dad and she was unknowingly up the duff!

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We’re keeping the patchy boy, bailey has named him Charlie ❤

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Naked

I feel completely stripped down and on display.

Losing my hair affects me so completely.

A visible indicator of illness, the type where people don’t quite look me in the eye, can’t think of anything to say, ask Bailey how ‘things are at home’. 

Things are fine, really

I just have no hair.

I’m all about the hair; I hide behind it, play with it when I get anxious. I’ve always worn it long, never had any desire for a pixie cut.

I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want anyone to see me.

It feels like I’m getting a pap smear everytime realisation flashes in someone’s eyes.

You do what you have to. So I go to school, to work, to the shops. Bailey is vocal about it, he doesn’t understand that I might find it embarrassing for him to ask ‘When I get sick, will my hair come off?’, and ‘Are you growing hair yet?’.  I level my voice to answer him, and then bite the inside of my lip until I taste blood.

It’s amazing what people will gossip about. I’m not really suprised. But if Bailey hears anything that doesn’t come from me, that’s when I’ll react.

I had hair last week.

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And now it’s all gone.

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I had a really heavy post planned for tonight.

Then this song came on, and I got lost…I can taste wine, salt, smell the cigarettes and cologne, go back in time and feel myself melting.

Coming apart.

I could just stay here sometimes, in my mind and music.

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about doing something big.

I don’t want Bailey to have a regular suburban childhood. And I don’t want to be a regular suburban mummy. I’m not anyway, although sometimes I try to be. God knows why.

I don’t even want him to have a regular rural upbringing. Well not 100 % of the time.

We tend to be quite insulated here.

I get a bit tied down. With horses, the dog and cats, the new puppies – don’t ask, work, friends. It’s a military style operation to get away for a weekend, here.

I kind of want to get into remission, get my health well and truly under control, and take off somewhere for a little while. Say 6mths to a year. With Bman by my side, seeing a bit of the world.

When I was 12, I did some distance education while living with my mother in Bali, Indonesia. I don’t think it hurt my education, and although I could write a book on ‘horrible things my mother has done’, I’d have to say I’m grateful for that particular opportunity.

There’s some things you can’t learn at school.

I’d like to head back to the US and traipse around a bit more, maybe see a small amount of Europe…and somewhere really different…India?

I’m just writing while I’m thinking.

I have to save some money obviously, enough for the basics, for the horses to go out on spell while we’re gone, and a bit extra. I’ll need a housesitter for the cats and dogs…

We won’t be staying in 5 star places this time around haha.

My awesome American readers – what’s really cool where you are?

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Landslide

Kinda liking this version right now…

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I feel like I’m going backwards, retreating inside myself, drowning.

I could lose myself, in this.

I’m feeling like a teenager…unsure, insecure. And so frustrated. Vulnerable and hormonal. Scared.

Yes I’m scared. Not really of cancer. Maybe not being scared is the scary part of that. I’m scared of myself, what I’m becoming on the inside, shrivelling while I try so hard to outwardly keep my shit together.

I go backwards rather than forwards. I’m sicker than I was, missing Craig more than I was, getting less done.

Gah.

At least I have cool hair. Until the rest falls out.

*****

I’m the worst blogger ever. I miss writing so much. I just haven’t had anything worth saying. I don’t want to write about vomit, nosebleeds, injections, chemo, petty school drama, horses. As much as I love him, I don’t want to write about Bailey. I don’t want to write about all the stuff I’m not doing and how hard life is right now.

But I’ve missed you all, and I’m sending love, and hoping a little comes back…

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