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Archive for April, 2011

Still broken up

It’s been like 3 weeks? now and he still hasn’t come back.  Last week I was in a pretty good place emotionally, feeling somewhat positive about the future, but this week I seem to be a bit of a mess again.  I miss him so, so much and am totally cut that he actually left me.  I can’t help myself from going over all the promises we made each other, all our plans for the future, all the times he hugged me when I was sad and how intensely I felt about him when we first met.

And on Thursday I had some not so nice news, which has not helped how I’m feeling one bit.  I’m not going to say whats going on because I have real-life friends  (yes really) who occasionally read this and I am not ready to go public yet.  And without sounding like a total bitch, I’m erring towards keeping the whole thing to myself anyway, because I find it easier when I only have to handle myself and how I’m feeling, rather than myself plus everyone else.  So to my most-trusted friends who read this, please bear in mind I did originally create this to be a private blog, and I have said no-one is allowed to judge me on what I write here :).  So if you could all respect my privacy I would appreciate that.

I don’t want Craig to know, because I know he’ll come back, and I’ll always know why.  And if he knew and didn’t come back, I’d hate him forever.

Being single is interesting, there are definitely advantages.  I feel like I am getting more and more of myself back, it’s the strangest thing.  I don’t think Craig tried to change me really, maybe I tried to change myself to fit better with him.  I keep remembering foods I used to love, things I used to do, clothes I used to wear and wanting it all back. The best thing is I have some of my passion for the horses back again, and that is a massive relief.  And yeah, I am doing a LOT of flirting, which is something I missed.   So kind of liking not having anyone to ‘answer to’ at times, I suppose.  I like not having this constant sense of guilt, never feeling like I’m enough for him.  Maybe he wasn’t enough for me?

x

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Hmm

So my husband and I have broken up.  I’d say it is the worst thing I have ever been through.  For the first few days I honestly felt like there was no way I could survive it.  Like, I assumed I’d probably have to stay physically alive, but it felt like the inside me, my thoughts, feelings and personality would just wither and die. Well, I guess it still feels like that might happen a bit.

I was kind of ok for the first night.  Didn’t sleep obviously but my friend Sheree came and cooked me a yummy dinner, which I managed to eat and the company was a good distraction.  The next day was ok-ish, Bailey went off to daycare so at least I only had to cope with myself.  It was that night that things really hit me.  I’d arranged for Craig to collect Bailey from daycare and stay at the house so I could have a couple of nights with my friends to get my head around things.

Yeah, I pretty much rocked up at one of my best mate’s houses and immediately went to pieces.  It was awful.  I cried a bit, not as much as I would’ve expected though.   The worst thing was this awful endless sick type feeling with occasional waves of panic.  I really honestly believed that I would never feel any better, and that anyone who had ever been through a bad breakup and gotten over it hadn’t had the type of relationship that I had.  Or that they were just so much stronger and better than I could ever hope to be.

That was pretty much what the whole weekend consisted of, with a couple of REALLY stupid decisions on my part thrown in,  plus good friends (and their parents – lol),  a trip to the pub, some beach time, hotcakes from macca’s, wine, some more wine, a family get together with people I haven’t seen in 10 yrs and a 3am drive in my pajamas, complete with getting pulled over for a breathalyzer.  The only thing I can really say about it is I survived, and it was possibly better than staying home and going to pieces by myself.  I know my friends will forgive any stupid decisions and erratic behaviour, but I always feel so guilty when I pull people into my life dramas.

It’s been like a week and a half now and yep, time really does help.  Amazing.  I miss Craig horribly, only the good bits but.  I miss the relationship we had before things started to go downhill.  I am learning from this experience though.  I know that I can cope alone, and I never knew that before.  I am still hoping that Craig and I can sort stuff out, but I now know that if we don’t I will survive.  I have never been a one day at a time person but I am learning to be like that for the moment, and to go a bit easier on myself.  The other day I felt pretty good and motivated, so I cleaned my house and sorted through some of Craig’s things.  Today I feel quiet and reflective, so I am writing this, spending quiet time with my son and slobbing around in my favourite pj’s.  So I am learning to listen to myself a bit more, and not to beat myself up when I don’t feel like I’m coming up to some sort of standard.

x

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