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Posts Tagged ‘Beauty’

And 3

One and Two.

My phone buzzing was my best friend, understandably worried about me. She comes over, brings food, tries to talk to me, and feeling like a total bitch, I can’t bring myself to be serious, or upbeat, or really anything, other than numb. Eventually I say ‘Let’s just go to the beach, without the dogs’. I’m in my pjs and already tipsy and it’s starting to rain and it’s dark and I don’t care. I’ve always loved the beach at night, and we’ve been making a bit of a habit of taking the dogs down for a really good run once the sun sets.

We sit and talk and take turns picking songs on our iPhones. I drink, not excessively but more than enough, but it barely feels adequate. I try so hard not to think, wanting to hyperventilate when I do. Suddenly I want to run, dance…I don’t know. Just feel alive I guess. I roll my pj pants up and just splash through the surf, and to my surprise it feels wonderful. The perfect temperature, nice and clear. The waves are gentle, even and rolling, but big enough so I can feel the surge and I let myself go with the energy, soon giving up on staying even half dry. My best friend in the whole world joins me and before long we’re laughing like teenagers, floating and staring at the stars. I suddenly felt everything so intensely, let go of that anaesthetic numbness and was ok.

I felt sad, and scared, and alive, and joyful, and devastated. I felt lost, and grateful, and loved, and lonely, and angry, and awed.

I’ll fucking live my life, and this shit won’t stop me. I think it’s just about noticing the moments. Finding beauty in them. How soft Bailey’s hair is under my chin, the feeling of a soft bed and fresh sheets. My friends who love me and are never standoffish about giving me huge hugs when I need them. The taste of salt and sun on my lips after a morning at the beach. The smell of horses, sweet and earthy at the same time. The quirkiness of my fucked-up family, and just being appreciative for the lessons anyway.

Being so grateful for the simple things that it feels like my chest might explode, is how I’ll get through this. Whichever way it goes.

x

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I really like this song.

We do live in a beautiful world.

A beautiful, terrifying, cruel, wonderful, meaningless, pointless world.

The point is to give it meaning.

All of us are done for, so why worry?

Be kind.  Love yourself.  Look at the stars.

I think it’s obvious I haven’t had a coffee yet 😉

Much love

x

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…today.

And that worries me.  Did someone finally get sick of my perpetual emo state and slip an upper into my coffee?  Does it mean that I have finally mastered denial?  Have I totally lost my shit?

Was feeling ok enough to clean up my hovel house today, and I feel better for doing it.  It’s nice to be able to walk around barefoot without being scared.  I also brushed my hair.  Fuck, I’m good.

Craig is coming up tomorrow to talk to me.  I almost feel like I won’t totally go to pieces.  I feel brave enough to tell it like it is to him, and I think if he can’t deal – ie gets angry, disrespectful, tries to twist my words – I have the right to ask him to leave.  I will not put myself through what usually happens again.  Not worth it.

Although, I could be in a totally different frame of mind by tomorrow.

I just feel like things will be ok.  Might take awhile, but one day I’ll look back on all this and it won’t hurt like it does now.

x

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