Damn Girl

So last week, in one of my more desperately psychotic moods, I decided to meet up with this guy.  I had to go to the shops anyway, so I messaged him and asked if he wanted to meet me at Macca’s for a coffee.  Classy, I know.

And yes, I was very straight in the fact that I am still married, don’t want anything serious, or anything at all really, and that I’m an emotional basket-case.  He still wanted to meet me.  Judge me if you want, I don’t care anymore.  I know this might look, and sound, to other people, but only I know how it is.

Anyway after him checking (a couple of times) that I seriously wanted to go to macca’s versus somewhere ‘nice’ for a drink, I trundled down there.  With trackies, bad hair, bad skin, minimal makeup.  I did shower, about as good as it gets these days.

And he couldn’t have been nicer to me.  Definite friend material, for now.  I feel bad now, because he’s interested in more, and I’m going to have to re-iterate that that’s not gonna happen anytime soon, if ever.  But something casual, I can probably handle.

He’s fun, and maybe that’ll be good for me.  There were a couple of “I’m not going to lie to you, I…” statements, and he’s a bit of a feral badass type, but in all honesty I tend to relate better to…..that type…..  Craig was the first normal, straight, clean history kind of guy I’d dated, and it really didn’t make any difference in the end.  Actually a couple of people have suggested that him having such an easy, sheltered type of life made it harder for him to cope with my life, well our life together, and made it easy for him to put everything on me.  Kind of a ‘well this type of shit never happened when I wasn’t with you’ attitude.  Probably because he had barely gone out of a 20km radius from his house, or actually gotten close enough to anyone so that their shit would affect him. Like the rest of his family.

And of course the inevitable questions, ‘so how long were you guys together for’ and ‘when and how did you get married’ came up, and I know full well how dodgy it sounds when I explain it to someone who doesn’t know us.  I don’t know actually, tons of people who know me probably think it’s pretty dodgy too.

His response? “DAMN GIRL” with a big smile.

x

Read Full Post »

What life is about…

Read Full Post »

Not much…

Just…..arggghhhhhh….

Yeah, I let him walk all over me, gave him the upper hand, pretty much bent over like a bitch, instead of showing some strength and self respect.

Pretty ashamed of myself right now.

I still want to save the marriage, he doesn’t, and I know that, but I want to force him to actually say it, because then its on him, instead of me, for once.

Fuck him, he can make a big decision for a change.

Can’t believe his nerve, and his attitude.  Can’t believe I’m enabling it.

I did show one tiny bit of backbone, told him I am over him stringing myself and his son along, and that he needs to stop being so self indulgent and actually make a decision.  He did not like hearing it, tried the ‘I need as much time as I need, and I have no idea how long that might be’ line, but my response was pretty much, “Bullshit.  You chose to get married, and now you need to choose whether or not it’s over, and live with the choice you make.”  Because really, how many of us get months, or years, to make every important choice in life?

You choose to get married, it’s not just about you anymore. Even if it comes to ending it.

He says he’ll have a solid answer in like 2 weeks.  I feel sick.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if he ended up saying, I still want this to work, but I had actually gotten my shit together enough so that I could say “Sorry hun, that ship sailed”?

x

Read Full Post »

Life without.

Craig, of course.

I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out, all over again. Until now, I hadn’t really considered life without him as a permanent state. Except for maybe in the first week.  Since then I’ve really thought it was just a temporary thing, that we’d get back together once the dust settled a bit, that he loved me and Bailey too much to let this be a reality.  Plus, of course, casual sex is never really casual.  I didn’t really think he would keep sleeping with me if he wasn’t intending on us working stuff out. I know, stupid.

On my birthday, he acted like a cunt jerk.  Sorry.  I’m tearing up just thinking about it.  He wouldn’t even give me a hug.  I should have asked him to leave at that point, because it got worse.  It was like nothing I said got through to him.  We ended up in a huge argument and me in tears in Bailey’s bed.  To top it off I was really unwell and fainted in the shower.  Sexy.

Still tried to make things better in the morning and now I wish I hadn’t bothered.

After that I thought ‘I’ll just leave it’. So I have barely spoken to him since then, didn’t ask him to stay for dinner on the weekend, haven’t asked him to help with anything, nothing. And y’know what, I don’t think he’s even noticed.  Which drives me crazy, because ‘just leaving things’ is hard for me.

It’s been two months.  I think if he wanted me he would have shown it.  I’ve tried to talk to him.  I’ve apologised sincerely for situations I could have handled better.  I’ve told him that I am willing to compromise on more.  I’ve said I am willing to forgive a lot and let go of a lot of hurt, if we can just commit to working things out.  I’ve told him I love him and am committed to this marriage.  I wrote him a five page letter.

He….um…..

See what I mean?

x

Read Full Post »

26

26 today.  Years seem to be flying.  Craig’s coming up tonight so we can dinner together and watch a movie or something, so I am really hoping that goes well.  He was supposed to come up for the day but cancelled on me, which I am not overly impressed with, but not going to bother saying much about it to him.

I know its useless to compare how people treat you, but I can’t help it.  I think we all do it to some degree.  On Saturday I did something fairly hard and 2 of my friends called to check how I was doing, and one made the effort to cook me a special dinner and held my hand for about an hour.  Craig didn’t call, didn’t text, didn’t ask when I saw him the next day, and when I reminded him about it, wasn’t apologetic at all.

Constantly cancels stuff with me, isn’t doing counseling, makes little effort to spend time with me, never suggests anything, never has a definitive answer to anything.

Seems very much like a ‘he’s just not that into you’ type of situation, but if that’s the case, why did he marry me just 5 months ago?

I still love him….

x

Read Full Post »

Today is the day

Happy Birthday to my beautiful darling boy! Bailey is 4 years old today and I almost can’t believe it.  It does not seem anywhere near 4 years ago that I was handed a squirmy sweet smelling little bundle of blanket, and told by a totally overbearing midwife ” KISS YOUR BABY!”.  I mean yes, love at first sight, but not totally blind to the bits of ick stuck to his head.  The Dr who performed my caesarian said Bailey was probably the most alert newborn he’d even seen.  Right from the start he had these intense eyes that would just bore into you.  It was quite funny in the theater because 3 out of the 6? people were called Craig.

Craig.  My husband, although I suppose I could almost call him my ex husband, or my estranged husband.  I don’t know how we got here.  He is coming up for dinner tonight and staying over so we can talk tomorrow, and I am terrified.  I don’t really know what of – he has never gotten physical with me, and to be brutally honest with myself, if one of us were to lose our temper badly enough to get to that point, it would be me.  I’m worried and hopeful we might end up having sex, that I might end up in a complete mess, that he’ll end up saying its over but I really don’t know why I am feeling so genuinely terrified.

Today a friend asked me if I thought I would compete my young horse when he comes back into work.  It feels quite strange to say the question totally blindsided me, because it just seemed so far out of my reality.  I felt like she may as well have asked if I thought I might go and live in Africa in 2035.  And then I felt so so sad because I used to have  dreams, and goals and a life.  I used to really care about stuff and wish for more than being able to stay in remission, and to be able to afford to keep my house and everyone fed.  Life was about more than keeping my head above water.

So I made an immediate goal to get back to the point where I can consider what I might want, not just what I need.  I know its going to take time – alot of it probably.  Time for the C.A.N.C.E.R. to shrink, time for Craig and I to either get our shit together, or for us to part and for me to get my shit together.  Time for me to heal emotionally and physically.  Because I have been through alot, too much really and I am starting to realize the toll it has taken.  And yes, some of it I brought on myself, I have made some bad choices, but some of it was so far beyond my control I would never have imagined it happening in my life.

My head is not a happy place to be these days.

x

Read Full Post »