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Posts Tagged ‘Romance’

soulmate

I’m kidding.

Mostly.

I’ve been feeling like I might kind of like meet someone, at some point.

I know I’ve said I ‘don’t agree’ with blended families (wow, bitter and hurt and scared much?) but, I dunno, it seems mean to force myself to go through life alone, just because it’s not the way I wanted it.

Kinda reeks of throwing toys out of the pram, right?

I’m a little lonely. I know now that I don’t need a partner, but I’d like one.

Someone funny with sparkly eyes and a nice smile, who is kind to my son without trying to parent him. Who can string a sentence together.

Up until a few months ago, I dated a lot. And I made a heap of new friends (yes, really) and rekindled old relationships. I fucked up a lot, also. I know I’m too picky, but I don’t see the point in getting serious with someone, when there’s a pretty clear deal-breaker.

Someone that never wants to move out of Perth. Someone who gets blind drunk every night and doesn’t see a problem. Someone who has a child the same age, and is at the other end of the parenting spectrum.

And there’s the whole me feeling totally unlovable thing, because really, would you date a single mum with cancer? So when a guy is nice to me, or says he’s interested, I never quite buy it. And I have practically run screaming from a couple of genuinely nice people – but I’m trying not to be so insane.

With guys my age, they’re generally at the ‘get smashed all the time’ or ‘wanting to settle down, get married and have kids’ stage, and I haven’t found a lot that are in between that. Not that I’m only willing to date guys my age, but I generally see guys I’m friends with from school, or used to work with, or whatever and they tend to be in that range.

What I’d really like, is to just meet someone, and have one of those instant attraction things. I probably wouldn’t admit this anywhere else, but I’m a total romantic, and I love all that love at first sight, soulmates, eyes catching across a room stuff. I’ve never ‘looked’ for a relationship before, they’ve always just developed, so I feel kinda lost. I don’t feel good about dating sites – I’m kinda organically minded in lots of ways, I guess. Like a ‘if it’s meant to be, I wouldn’t have to make any effort’ mindset. Not quite, but close enough.

I guess that’s one of the reasons things not working out with Craig shattered me so much, it felt like my belief system was totally shaken. Because it should have worked out, and it didn’t.

So – where does one meet a nice guy? How did you and your significant other meet?

Ash x

ps – goes without saying that my bloods are looking really really excellent or I wouldn’t be thinking about dragging anyone else into all this. Just don’t wanna jinx it til I get full results xx

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Now the page is no longer blank.

Someone told me to write that once, when I’ve got writer’s block.

I think it’s worked.

Thankyou to the few people who read here and emailed me to see if I’m ok…I appreciate that more than you know. I swear, you meet the nicest people blogging 🙂

It’s Sunday morning here, the sky is blue, it’s one of those gorgeous cool but sunny days. I woke up next to someone who’s not my cat, and who makes great coffee. Someone who kissed the bruising on my hands and wrists, and ran soft hands over my scar tissue skin.

We made toast and listened to U2, I’m not broke, but you can see the cracks.

Everything is temporary, but I’ll take it. Life is temporary, and mine might be a little more temporary than I was expecting, and that’s ok.

Right now, everything is ok

-deep breaths-

There are no happy endings, it’s about being here while you are. Mindfulness is about the only thing helping me right now. And noticing absolutely everything keeps me out of my own head so much, and reminds me of how special this life can be.

x

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It’s verge collection time.

When everyone throws out their unwanted junk, old furniture, fridges, boxy tvs.

This house is full of old junk, my grandfather is a hoarder. It’s an illness, they say. I wish I could open all the windows, crank some Pearl Jam, and ditch things over the balcony. Start again with white cane and furniture made of driftwood.

It’s more about me than the house, wanting things fresh and new, of course. My messenger bleeps and I see it’s my tenant from up the hill, asking what type of garden edging I’d like.

Whatever, I text. Whatever you’d like, what you think is best.

She thinks I’m the best landlady ever.

My friend, who I’ve let ride my good horse this year, calls for a chat, asking me about moving agistment centres, if he might need the chiro, she went out on Saturday and a bit of fencing was down and I just want to scream.

‘Why won’t you people leave me alone and here’s my credit card number and it’s not that I don’t care it’s because I just can’t and if I could I would have stayed at home!’

Fuck. And the thing is, I could be feeling fine tomorrow. I’m deliberately not making any big decisions, not doing anything I can’t undo because I’m not to be trusted at the moment.

It’s the only damage control I can exercise when my brain and body are on the edge of a freak-out. I throw $30 of steak to the dogs because I think it ‘smells funny’, vomit in the sink cooking eggs, notice my hands are shaking and my mouth tastes like metal. So I know not to trust myself, this isn’t real, this is just an imbalance and you’re doing everything you can to sort it out, I tell myself.

I’m so lucky. So lucky I have the luxury of being able to give myself some time. The relief floods me sometimes, the feeling of not having to make hard decisions, which horse goes first, do we sell our house now or later or subdivide the land or stick it out or or or. I’m blessed and I know that but my thankfulness doesn’t change the anxiety I feel when people bring up stuff I’d rather not think about, when my beautiful old horse has his first paddock injury in the 8 years I’ve had him, and I have to find the energy reserve I don’t have to deal with things that would have been minor once.

So my best best friend comes and takes Bailey for an icecream, and I sit here and write all this shit out, and work on my novel, and I don’t know what I’d do without my friends. I call my other riding instructor come friend, who I could barely talk to about my own horse and ask if she’d help me run Drum to the vets because I just don’t want to do it by myself, and the answer is of course. I’ll always help where I can. And it took me two whole days of feeling sick over something so minor for it to even occur to me that I could ask for help.

For an apparently smart person, I can be so incredibly slow.

And this morning I woke up to this 🙂

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Life is good, really everything is fine, I just need my mind and body to catch up 🙂

x

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I just noticed I’m at 150 posts, and I think since I did 100 things about me for my 100th, I should do another 50 random things today 🙂

Some of them will probably be repeats, but oh well.

  1. I’m thinking about having another baby, despite having no-one to have one with the traditional way. I’d love to wait for the perfect situation but my body says I have to hurry up.
  2. I’m going to the US, either this year or next. Yay!
  3. I’m currently ebaying for rosary beads, just because I love them, despite being an atheist.
  4. I just joined NaNoWriMo
  5. I’ve just had a major (hopefully temporary) lifestyle change.
  6. And I have no idea what we’re going to do next.
  7. And by ‘we’ I mean me and my son, who’s 5.
  8. I’ve had 2 types of cancer.
  9. I’m 27. Oh God.
  10. I’m Australian and joke about being a bogan, but I know I’m pretty far from the stereotype really.
  11. I love writing.
  12. Recently someone was hassling me, so (after months) I very calmly told him to Fuck. Off. or he’d see what harassment really was (paraphrasing).
  13. And it worked. Pussy.
  14. I hate watching sport on tv. Or ever really.
  15. And I hate just having the tv on ‘as background noise’.
  16. And channel surfing, argh!
  17. I rarely smoke now (socially every few weeks if that).
  18. I don’t do drugs.
  19. I’m preparing for a divorce and feel absolutely shattered.
  20. I have a brother I genuinely dislike and I think the world would be better without people like him in it.
  21. I love the coast. Love. Like, religiously.
  22. I also worship wide open space, paddocks, red dust and being miles and miles from a shopping centre. Seeing mobs of sheep, hayrolls, tractors, roos… Now that I am living on the coast, in suburbia, whenever I take a drive inland it feels like my eyes are drinking all that in.
  23. We have this puppy, Charlie…he’s like 3 times the size of his mother already. He is really truly as dumb as a fence post and constantly doing stupid, stupid, hilarious things but I love the absolute hell out of him.
  24. I never thought I’d be a mother. I never thought I could love so intensely.
  25. I love pretty things…in some ways I’m such a girly girl and in others I’m really totally not.
  26. My mantra for the last few months until two days ago was ‘Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together’.
  27. And then my Dr told me to cease drinking immediately due to low platelets (or something. my blood’s not clotting properly).
  28. There’s better ways to cope anyway.
  29. I just can’t think of them sometimes.
  30. I stood up for myself to my ex yesterday. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking to me and may not for a while, and that hurts. But I’m good in myself and I’m sick of feeling like a doormat.
  31. Bailey just started taekwondo and he looked adorable, and so small.
  32. Something doesn’t sit right in my tummy about it…the deference maybe…but this is not about me.
  33. If I am ever blessed enough to have another baby boy I’ll call him Eli.
  34. I homeschool at the moment.
  35. My hair is short and spiky and awful. I look like a troll doll that’s been hacked at.
  36. If I was ever to have a baby girl I’d call her Astrid. I’ve always loved it and one of my parents wanted to name me that. I wish they had.
  37. I hate my name.
  38. I’m writing a novel.
  39. My cat died a little while ago and I still miss him horribly. I dream about him all the time too.
  40. I miss myself, and I’m trying to get her back.
  41. I have this awful feeling I’ll always be looking for something.
  42. I like some seriously lame music.
  43. And some seriously awesome stuff too!
  44. I miss my horses but I’m avoiding seeing them. I don’t know if I’m going to continue riding. I don’t know if that’s my life anymore.
  45. I still wish on stars, birthday candles, and at 11:11. And I always wish for the same thing.
  46. I’m in love.
  47. And technically single.
  48. I’m incredibly nervous about an appointment tomorrow morning and trying so hard not to show it.
  49. The guy who lives next door is a cop, and one time he ‘caught’ me trying to ‘break in’ here. It’s awkward after that little argument so we avoid each other. He was rude first.
  50. I don’t like the smell of lavender.

x

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A manly man.

A man who comes across strong, but who can also be sensitive. Someone who is openly affectionate. Muscles and (tasteful) tattoos would be a plus.

I want a man with laugh-lines, nice teeth and sparkly eyes. A man with a sense of humor, who can string a sentence together.

I’m not going to have one though, because deep deep down I really don’t want it for Bailey. I just…without judging anyone…I don’t agree with blended families. I’ve never seen one, that as a child, I’d want to be a part of. As a child from a ‘previous relationship’ anyway.

Seriously, never, and I just can’t imagine it feeling right.

Add to that the fact that I’m not willing (and possibly not able) to have another child, I don’t think I have it in me to be a half-decent step-parent… Most decent men in my age range have young kids, or want some.

I do wonder, if this is why things get worse with how I feel about Craig instead of better, because even though I pretend sometimes… I know in my heart I’m not going to make it work with anyone else. For at least another 15 years anyway.

Sucks for me. I don’t need a relationship…but sometimes I’d like one. Put simply, I like men. I love that guy smell, strong arms, holding hands. I love the strength that good men radiate.

Maybe I’m wrong, and I’ll fall head over heels for someone who suits me, and we’ll work it out together. I very much doubt it, but stranger things have happened :).

It won’t happen until I actually separate properly from Craig though… and really it’s time to anyway. I can’t go on like this. It’s killing me. After the last few weeks…I want to write him a letter…stating everything that’s happened between us…how badly he’s hurting me with this back and forth, maybe, maybe not. How I feel when he watches me go through cancer alone…sleeps with me, and leaves. And I’ll ask him to leave me alone unless something changes with him, and I know that he will and that’s terrifying.

Fuck.

*****

I had tests last week after spending most of the week before at the hospital…we had some pretty extreme heat here and I just didn’t cope with the vomiting and ended up really dehydrated and just sick.

My results were better than expected -cautious smile- so I’m quietly relieved about that 🙂

Bailey got to go to a wedding – he had a rad time apparently…I threw up in a potplant outside waiting for him to get off the dancefloor. It was at the Sheridan…how classy of me…

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Much love

x

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The other night I took Bailey’s dog to the beach, and we sat quietly while I thought about change.

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I haven’t been having the best week. I’ve been sick and tired, feeling like I might have made a mistake coming here…just missing being able to have some semblance of a normal (to me) life, I guess.

And it’s been stupidly hot…I don’t really do heat.

Craig has Bailey this week, and that’s probably a good thing…I was going to try to totally organise the house while he’s not here, but that hasn’t happened. I miss him horribly but it’s nice to just sleep when I can, eat when I feel like it and not have to put up a happy front for him when I’m feeling awful.

Now that my illness is more out in the open I am reminded why I wanted to keep it quiet. I’m over people ringing me and having a stress attack if they don’t get me. I’m over being asked about tests and treatments and being told to visualise. I just want to left alone most of the time, I don’t have the energy for small talk.

And honestly I don’t feel like making an effort for many people. My close friends, who have been there for me whether I’m sick or just stressed or doing great or making bad life choices or whatever…yes. Of course. Because it’s not hard work. The majority of my family…not so much. I’m over being judged on how I manage my health and my life.

I don’t care much at all anymore, I just can’t be bothered with pointless conversations and pretending. Which is great, because what other people think used to weigh on me so heavily, and I’d feel sick with anxiety about doing something ‘not the norm’ or that wouldn’t suit other people.

What’s happened in my life over the last couple of years has changed me, and not all of it is for the worse, not at all. I’m so strong when I have to be now… normal everyday stress barely touches me. Which can make it hard(er) to relate to people but on the whole I’m a lot …not happier yet… more centered or at peace or just aware of what really matters and what I want.

Or something 🙂

*****

I’ve decided to just write this year, because it’s something I’ve always loved but struggled to make time for with working and riding. I’d like to do a couple of workshops or short courses. I’ve started a novel and I’m trying to have a little faith in myself…I’d love to even get a short story or article published, even if it’s in one of those free newspapers ;).

I’ve got nothing to lose.

My great-grandfather told me I’d be a writer, a couple of weeks before he died. He said ‘God told him’, after he’d been resuscitated. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in signs, and that has flashed into my mind a few times…I think it was probably the only serious thing he ever said to me.

I’ve had a lot of encouragement from teachers, lecturers, friends but I’ve never had the confidence to actually try very hard. Now I just think why not?

🙂

x

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take a deep breath, 1, 2, 3, and jump

How fucking hard does this have to be?

I look at a close friend, whose long-term relationship broke down at about the same time mine did. He’s happy, knows he’s better off, is in a new relationship….we couldn’t be further apart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing works. He doesn’t want me.

I’ll never get over this, not really. I don’t know if I even want to.

Snippets of thoughts. Can’t deal. Have to.

Fuck.

A continuous sick feeling.

No-one knows what to say, when they push me a little harder…”What’s really wrong Ash? What’s the biggest issue?”

“It’s just…you know, the Craig thing. Nothing new.”

Cancer is comparatively easy, PTSD a walk in the park…I’d take ten times of that sort of shit in exchange.

Nothing feels worth this amount of pain for me.

I don’t think anyone can see how hard this is for me. Would he come back if he really really knew how I feel?

I don’t know. I doubt it. There’s no words so I couldn’t tell him anyway.

Therapy doesn’t help…no. It does, to a degree. I think you should have a level of acceptance within yourself for anything to help really.

I don’t have that, I don’t feel like I ever will.

Sex doesn’t help, drinking, smoking, none of it. Nice dates with lovely guys.

At least now that I’ve given all of that a good try, I can quit and at least be as healthy as possible for Bailey. I may as well be.

Nothing numbs this.

x

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