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Posts Tagged ‘Sleep deprivation’

My brain has been so weird lately.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what I’d like to do next, and nothing is fitting. I kind of have to go ‘home’, up the hill, because Craig is willing to sign it over to me and I can only get a loan as a single parent with health issues for that particular property, as a way to have a solid home base for Bailey. And we have to be living there.

Trying to make a life plan that includes allowances for illness, but enough money for us to have a decent lifestyle, with me not able to work all the time…this is challenging stuff.

I fantasize about arts degrees or fostering children or writing or being a drug dealer or being well enough to do something physical outside. I get accepted into the perfect (fun, creative writing and journalism) degree without the relevant pre-requisites on the strength of a personal essay but then realise I don’t have the brain space to follow it through.

I think about what I’d do if I knew for sure I had 5 years, 10 years, 40 years.

And then I think, fuck it, it will sort itself out.

So I start thinking about other things. I walked through the supermarket the other day, on autopilot, and all of a sudden it felt like the most alien experience. I actually looked at people and wished I could connect with them. and a part of me wanted to interrupt their conversations about weather, money, their partners annoying habits. I want to ask them if they believe in God, when was the last time they cried, do they believe in love or think that it’s a chemical reaction, are they doing what they want with life.

I don’t know.

Like I said, weird brain. I don’t give a shit about what you’re having for dinner, how you wish these cold nights would ease up, which political party you support. I want to know something real.

*****

And, an update.

Everything is still ok here, I’ve been sick – not dramatic sick but just mediocre, feeling generally shitty and exhausted kind of sick. I’ve been wanting to sleep 16 hours a day – anyone who knows me would know my usual stance on sleep, I’ve always struggled to get six hours. I feel like my mind and body have finally said ‘enough’. And that’s not a bad thing.

I haven’t been here, I’ve had this headache just on one side for like…weeks…and screen time seems to make it worse. I should be dropping some medications this weekend so I’m hoping that eases it, because I really would like to get more into blogging, and aim for something like 3 posts a week :). While I’m having a good day I’m going to go and check out all of your blogs – I always miss you guys when I have a break.

The weather has warmed up, so we’ve been getting in some beach time 🙂

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Crappy iPhone photos, but you get the idea.

Ash x

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I’m not very nice to myself.

I expect my body to cope with cancer treatment, mood stabilizers, not enough fluid, take-out. With chemicals in low-quality food, sleeping pills, sugar. And then I expect it to work, ride horses, and not feel tired.

And then I drink wine all weekend, and smoke cigarettes.

And complain of a ‘splitting headache’ this morning, and say I ‘don’t understand it’ because I only had a couple of glasses.

Forgetting that those couple of glasses was at 2am, after going to the movies, eating a sundae, having a wine and cigarette with dinner, having ‘the doctor’ up the night before that, so more drinking, very little sleep.

So I take more pills to block the pain, because Bailey is coming home today. And Craig wants to talk to me about something. And animals need to be looked after, and the house is feral, and, and, and.

So I can sit here and beat myself up over it, or I can learn how to value myself a little more, and be kinder to myself tomorrow.

I love when I have a ‘aha!’ moment, and I finally feel something, instead of just knowing it.

Of course I know I should look after myself, don’t we all?

But right now I want to, I want to be good to myself and Bailey, I want to eventually feel healthy, I want to nourish myself.  I hope to hell I feel the same way tomorrow, next week, next year.

x

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Happy Birthday to my beautiful darling boy! Bailey is 4 years old today and I almost can’t believe it.  It does not seem anywhere near 4 years ago that I was handed a squirmy sweet smelling little bundle of blanket, and told by a totally overbearing midwife ” KISS YOUR BABY!”.  I mean yes, love at first sight, but not totally blind to the bits of ick stuck to his head.  The Dr who performed my caesarian said Bailey was probably the most alert newborn he’d even seen.  Right from the start he had these intense eyes that would just bore into you.  It was quite funny in the theater because 3 out of the 6? people were called Craig.

Craig.  My husband, although I suppose I could almost call him my ex husband, or my estranged husband.  I don’t know how we got here.  He is coming up for dinner tonight and staying over so we can talk tomorrow, and I am terrified.  I don’t really know what of – he has never gotten physical with me, and to be brutally honest with myself, if one of us were to lose our temper badly enough to get to that point, it would be me.  I’m worried and hopeful we might end up having sex, that I might end up in a complete mess, that he’ll end up saying its over but I really don’t know why I am feeling so genuinely terrified.

Today a friend asked me if I thought I would compete my young horse when he comes back into work.  It feels quite strange to say the question totally blindsided me, because it just seemed so far out of my reality.  I felt like she may as well have asked if I thought I might go and live in Africa in 2035.  And then I felt so so sad because I used to have  dreams, and goals and a life.  I used to really care about stuff and wish for more than being able to stay in remission, and to be able to afford to keep my house and everyone fed.  Life was about more than keeping my head above water.

So I made an immediate goal to get back to the point where I can consider what I might want, not just what I need.  I know its going to take time – alot of it probably.  Time for the C.A.N.C.E.R. to shrink, time for Craig and I to either get our shit together, or for us to part and for me to get my shit together.  Time for me to heal emotionally and physically.  Because I have been through alot, too much really and I am starting to realize the toll it has taken.  And yes, some of it I brought on myself, I have made some bad choices, but some of it was so far beyond my control I would never have imagined it happening in my life.

My head is not a happy place to be these days.

x

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Someone once said to me that if you have truly lost it you don’t even know.

Well, that’s reassuring. As long as I *think* I’m clearly crazy, I’m ok.

The last fortnight has been shocking for me. Take some major personal events, illness, a sick 3year old, bring up a whole heap of baggage, add in loads of sleep-deprivation and that’s it. I feel like I’ve had it. The only comforting thought I can come up with is that at least I’m too tired to properly think things through and actually expect myself to deal with them.

At this point in time I’m about as random as I was dealing with both chemo and baby-brain. Can’t find anything, can’t eat properly, can’t sleep, can barely remember my own name and god help you if you expect me to help with anything. I’m having horrible nightmares pretty much every night and have no idea what to do about that. Or the rest of it.

I can still see some positives though. I’ve lost a little bit of weight for a start. I don’t know what from but hey, weight is weight. I’m so glad I don’t work with other people. When I go to work, its just me, the horses and my ipod.  They don’t care how crazy I act, as long as I remember to feed them *something*.

Only like 7 weeks until our US and Canada holiday now. I have been pretty excited about it but now I feel quite flat. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when we get there.  A few weeks ago I was dreading the flight, now I’m strangely looking forward to it. Hours of just sitting on my ass, reading and listening to music, bliss! 🙂

x

 

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