Is where I’m at right now.
I’m past the being able to verbalise it stage. Theres so many people I could talk to while I’m down here, so many old friends who I know would happily put their lives aside for me right now, if I could be honest about where I’m at.
Where I’m at, is fucked. I can‘t think of one thing that would make it better. I was supposed to be here 2 nights, 3 days and I’ve been here 8 nights. I feel scared to go home.
I’ve pretty much run away.
I can’t get out of my own head though.
So I play beach cricket with Bailey while tears build behind dark glasses. I grab nothing but his hand and we walk barefoot over the dunes, and I’m grateful for the simplicity here.
Craig comes down, we argue horribly, round and round. I eventually snap, mentally, and everything is fuzzy and I’m scared of myself. I feel like I might get some relief if I can get out of the house but he won’t let me. I realize what I really want, at that moment, is to die.
That is fucking terrifying to me, I know exactly what suicide does. I’ve seen it close up, in minute detail and I don’t care.
Obviously, I’m still here.
If there was someone I could leave Bailey with, that would raise him in a way I am comfortable with, I don’t know if I would be.
I wasn’t even thinking of that at the time, but that’s my mindframe today.
Anyway I was upset enough to snap Craig out of his fucking bubble, and that is saying something. We sit on the balcony while I sob and claw at my skin and try to quiet the rushing in my ears. Eventually I’m quiet and outside of my mind and I can think in abstract coagulating thoughts.
He promises me everything will be fine, we’ll work out.
We make love and I come back to myself a little, my whole body aches as I drift off.
I wake up to him kissing my forehead and saying he’s going to work, and my eyes have filled with tears before I’ve even opened them. He didn’t ask if I was ok, left me alone with Bailey when I’d been totally off the fucking wall just hours before.
I lie there until I realise I really can’t make the decision to get out of bed, try to call Craig twice, he doesn’t pick up. Bailey gets up and I start feeling a little panicky but it’s still not enough to motivate me.
I tell Bailey he can have biscuits for breakfast and he comes and sits in bed with me, getting crumbs everywhere, and I don’t care. I think desperately of the beach, horses, I stare at my child, and drift back into sleep for another 2 hours. When I awake I’m ok, fragile, but I think I want to live.
I’m scared now, knowing that can change.
I get up, walk to the fridge and dump a jugful of icy water over my head. We go to the beach and draw in the sand and I feel desperate, and I don’t want to be anywhere.
*****
When we return, there’s 6 missed calls from Craig. I can’t bring myself to call, but we text a little the next day -today- , I tell him how I’m feeling, how the only time I’ve felt suicidal is over his behaviour, that I’m feeling pretty close to the edge and he still argues. I end up saying that this isn’t worth Bailey not having a mother, that I love him but won’t engage with him until something major changes, and asked if all this would matter to him if I was dead.
Melodramatic, I know.
I guess he should, be happy, he’s gotten what he seemed to want, an open non-ending, where nothing is resolved, and he can comfort himself with the knowledge that he was ‘still trying’ and that I’m clearly the one with mental instability 😉
x
Wooowww. Rough go at it, eh? That frickin’ SUCKS.
PLEASE don’t let him (or ANYone else) do that to you.
Please know that your life is worth more than that.
I’m glad that you have a reason to live. It’s nice that it’s your child, but PLEASE know that YOU are worth it. Please value your own life.
I hope that you feel free to offload any and everything on Craig. He deserves to know what a prick he is, and you deserve to let it all out.
And it’s okay to take some time. Be away from everything/everyone. Chill out. Be at the beach.
Just don’t make it TOO long. Gotta get back to the rest of the world at some point.
And believe that everything CAN be okay. Take the steps that you can to make things okay.
Thanks so much hun. I’m doing ok today, thankfully. Think this mighta been the kick up the ass that I needed :)xo
Don’t give up Sensational.
I’m not babe :)x
You are such a brilliant, blinding shining light. Don’t ever let anyone make you think it’s not worth it… How dare his behaviour make you suicidal, this makes me so rageful at him. You have impacted so many lives and so many people love you, now its time to make yourself happy, because you fucking well deserve happy, you and bailey have happy times ahead, I feel it. You just need to release that hold craig has over you. What a powerful hold to make you feel so terrible and suicidal and baby, you know call me anytime you feel that way and I will be there in an instant. You have support, in any moment, you have so many people who will be there for you, and I will be there for you – always.
Naw babe, I love you. Thanks so much for sticking with me this year. I know it was ermm not easy…:):x