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Posts Tagged ‘Stepfamily’

A manly man.

A man who comes across strong, but who can also be sensitive. Someone who is openly affectionate. Muscles and (tasteful) tattoos would be a plus.

I want a man with laugh-lines, nice teeth and sparkly eyes. A man with a sense of humor, who can string a sentence together.

I’m not going to have one though, because deep deep down I really don’t want it for Bailey. I just…without judging anyone…I don’t agree with blended families. I’ve never seen one, that as a child, I’d want to be a part of. As a child from a ‘previous relationship’ anyway.

Seriously, never, and I just can’t imagine it feeling right.

Add to that the fact that I’m not willing (and possibly not able) to have another child, I don’t think I have it in me to be a half-decent step-parent… Most decent men in my age range have young kids, or want some.

I do wonder, if this is why things get worse with how I feel about Craig instead of better, because even though I pretend sometimes… I know in my heart I’m not going to make it work with anyone else. For at least another 15 years anyway.

Sucks for me. I don’t need a relationship…but sometimes I’d like one. Put simply, I like men. I love that guy smell, strong arms, holding hands. I love the strength that good men radiate.

Maybe I’m wrong, and I’ll fall head over heels for someone who suits me, and we’ll work it out together. I very much doubt it, but stranger things have happened :).

It won’t happen until I actually separate properly from Craig though… and really it’s time to anyway. I can’t go on like this. It’s killing me. After the last few weeks…I want to write him a letter…stating everything that’s happened between us…how badly he’s hurting me with this back and forth, maybe, maybe not. How I feel when he watches me go through cancer alone…sleeps with me, and leaves. And I’ll ask him to leave me alone unless something changes with him, and I know that he will and that’s terrifying.

Fuck.

*****

I had tests last week after spending most of the week before at the hospital…we had some pretty extreme heat here and I just didn’t cope with the vomiting and ended up really dehydrated and just sick.

My results were better than expected -cautiousĀ smile- so I’m quietly relieved about that šŸ™‚

Bailey got to go to a wedding – he had a rad time apparently…I threw up in a potplantĀ outside waiting for him to get off the dancefloor. It was at the Sheridan…how classy of me…

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Much love

x

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