Posts Tagged ‘personal’

This afternoon, I was blindsided by this horrible surge of grief. Oddly enough, I’d been feeling stable, quietly productive. It was gorgeous today and I had all the windows open, sea breeze coming in, and I was curled in a patch of sun on the bed.

I have these moments, staying here, where I feel young, and some of what’s happened just falls away. I think it’s the same beaches, the same house, the same smells and sounds. The in-between could just be a dream, right? I could just wander down to the paddock, chuck a bridle on my patchy pony to gallop bareback through the surf. I could walk for miles without being needed, feeling tired, could get lost and found again.

So I was feeling peaceful and young, and I guess my mind just drifted a bit far until I was immersed in a happy time, and when I crashed back, it felt a little…soul destroying? It’s been (OMG) over 2 years since Craig and I lived together full-time, and I don’t know how long since we last had a big ‘lets (maybe, possibly, oh wait actually, I’m not sure) try again’  talk. A couple months? Six? If I thought about it in treatment cycles, I could probably narrow it down.

About 10 years ago now, we spent a lot of time together here. We’d wander along the beaches with my then-puppy, hang out with my best mates, I’d scare him with my interesting shortcuts through gravel tracks.

Sometimes these days, I don’t think about him in an us kinda way for days on end, and then it hits me how real this is. We’re not getting back together. This isn’t just a glitch. Even if the first part of a miracle occurred and he got his shit together, I actually couldn’t forgive him now anyway. Not because he cheated on me, hit me, any of the things when you think ‘unforgivable’. Because he let me go through cancer alone, because I just wasn’t enough. The probability  possibility of me dying doesn’t provoke enough in him, and I know how I’d be if our situations were reversed.

That. Absolutely. Kills.

I’m just staying away from him. As much as I can. It feels like I’m being torn apart but I’ve done everything else.


I don’t think I’m cut out for marriage anyway, and maybe I shouldn’t just be realising (or admitting to) that now, but I think at heart I’m a bit of a commitment-phobe. I mean, in a relationship, I am committed and I do love very deeply but I also have itchy feet a lot, I genuinely enjoy change, and I need a decent amount of stimulation I guess. Aside from my relationship with Craig and my closest long term friends, I tend to have shorter but quickly intense relationships and friendships.

Or maybe I’m just hurting too much now, and ‘realising I’m not cut out for marriage’ is a bit of a cop-out. I honestly wouldn’t know at this point. I’m one of those blessed people where I don’t seem to find it hard to meet nice guys, genuine people who are funny and smart and kind but god forbid one of them should try to get close to me. I’m even like that with friends now, and I’m getting so. lonely.

The flip-side of all this is at least I’m really actually starting to deal with things (and I am definitely in touch with why I actively avoided this) and I can feel myself changing, and not necessarily in the negative ways people would expect. I think I’m either getting stronger or realising my strength, I’m more inclined to speak up, I’m noticing people don’t put nearly as much emphasis on my physical appearance as I do, and I just feel..free-er. People have been criticizing me left right and centre lately, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, but I also haven’t compromised myself to please others who don’t even know all the factors behind my decisions :).

So? Win. I think. Who the hell knows, really, and it doesn’t matter.

Anyway guys, I’m sorry for the word-vomit, just wanted to get some thoughts out :). Bman is at Craig’s this week and I also have the week off treatment so I guess that’s why I’m thinking about all this stuff I generally try to keep out.

Love to you all 🙂


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*long-winded, please please bear with me*

Remember how I mentioned my iPhone was in the shop? Like a month ago?

Ok – backstory. This is the iPhone 5 that I have had for about 6 months, after dropping my 4 in the dogs water. I have this annoying habit of popping everything in my bra then when I lean over to do stuff…argh.


My dad was down for a couple of nights, so I left Bailey with him and wandered off to check what on earth has happened to my phone, go to the Laundromat, blah blah. I walked into my mobile phone providers shop – quite a large national company, and started fiddling with the display phones while I waited for someone to get to me. Got to the iPhones and pressed the button on the 4…hey that lock screen looks familiar. Unlocked it and it was my old Facebook home page.

Fuck. Me.

In total disbelief I flicked through the phone, yep all my apps. Into the messages, every text from all of 2012. On my Facebook, even though there’s no sim in display phones, you can still see a good amount of my messages, it just won’t load more. But it will load all previous texts, my whole call log, 50 emails. Went into photos, pictures of Bailey and other people’s kids. WordPress app – every post from here to here in entirety.

A health app with all my medical details, weight, height, treatments I’ve had – everything. A period tracker.

Oh. My. God.

Once the nice girl in the shop believed it was actually my phone I made her cut it down and kept it with me. She called her manager really upset…asked me to come back in and meet him a couple of hours later. Which was a total waste of time, he just wanted to apologise…

Not that anything can fix it but holy shit.

I rang consumer protection and spoke to two people that were just totally shocked and angry on my behalf.

It takes a lot to get me angry but I am so seeing red over this!

Any thoughts??


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Does anyone else remember, like 5 years ago, when the craze on Facebook was ‘notes’? Before e-cards, status shuffle and Timeline :). Dredged this up from the archives…

1. Real Name: Ashley Jane, and it’s really not that hard to find my last name here, but I’m still not going to make it quite this easy 🙂

2. Like it?:  Nope

3. Favorite Sport: Dressage. Used to love Barrel Racing too.

4. Zodiac sign: On the cusp of Gemini and Cancer

5. Male or female: Female

6.  Elementary: Catholic school first off, then the local government…

7. Middle: Hmmm guess this is American, middle school only taking off here now

8. High: Jesus Christ. An experience. I was probably horrible.

9. College: Haven’t finished. Probably won’t.

10. Hair color: Changes every time it falls out and grows back. Right now dark, and pink and purple.

11. Eye color: Brown 🙂

12. Hair length: Short, spiky, hate it.

13. Current worry:  I’d really like to sleep tonight.

14. Race: Aussie :). Lotsa Spanish, some English and irish.

15. Are you a health freak: I fucking well should be…

16. Height: Short. 5’1ish.

17. Do you have a crush on someone: Masses of people, actually 😛

18. Do you like yourself: Sometimes 🙂

19. Piercings: Ears

20. Tattoos: Just one, Bailey on my wrist.

21. Righty or lefty: Righty – started off ambidextrous but left is ‘the devils hand’ apparently… 



22. First surgery: Caesarean – thanks Bman!

23. First piercings: Ears

24. First friend: Can’t remember. Can I count our Lassie-dog? Bluey.

25. First award: No idea now.

26. First sport: Uhhh…dancing I think…tee ball?

27. First pet: Bluey I guess, my mums an animal freak like me so we had lots when I was little,

28.  First vacation: Bali and Singapore I think. Would’ve been 4.

29.  First teacher: Can’t remember.

30. First crush:  I don’t know…would’ve been any surfie type I guess 🙂



31. Orange or apple juice: Apple

32. Rock or rap: Rock if I had to pick forever, I like both though.

33. Country or scream o: What is screamo? Probably still that, lol.

34. NYSNC or Backstreet Boys: I feel like I should just leave this…but I had a massive Nick Carter crush growing up.

35. Britney Spears or Christina Aguliera: Neither generally, I think Christina’s got some actual talent though.

36. Night or day: Night.

37. Sun or moon: Moon.

38. TV or internet:  Internet.

39. Playstation or XBOX: Xbox, although I really have no idea about that gaming stuff.

40. Kiss or hug: Both at the same time please.

41. Iguana or turtle: Turtle.

42. Spider or bee: Holy fuck.

43. Fall or spring: Either. As long as it’s not Summer, I’m good.

44. Limewire or iTunes: iTunes


46. Soccer or baseball:  Not really a ball sport kinda chick…



50. Drinking: Water.

51. I’m about to: Try and sleep.

53. Singing: Crack the Shutters – Snow Patrol

54. Typing: Fuck, I don’t know smartass…



55. Want kids: I sure hope so at this point…

56. When: Almost six years ago seems about right..

57. Want to get married: *cringe*

58. When: God. Stop.

59. Where do you want to live: Hmm. Somewhere cool. North America, east coast-ish.

60. How many kids do you want: One is fine.

61. Any names on the mind: Bman. Haha.

62. What did you want to be when you were little: Everything. I wanted to write and have a dairy farm for agessss.

63. What do you think you’ll be doing: Kicking cancer’s ass hopefully.

64. Mellow future or wild: Either would be fantastic at this point 🙂


66. Something you would never try: Um. Skydiving, bungee jumping etc. No interest.

67. When do you wanna die: I don’t.



68. Lips or eyes: Eyes.

69. Hugging or kissing: Both

70. Shorter or taller: Taller than me, but still on the short side, haha.

71. Tan skinned or light: Don’t mind.

72. Romantic or spontaneous: Both, romantically spontaneous sounds pretty hot.

73. Dark or light hair: Don’t mind.

74. Muscular or normal: -shrug-

75. Hook-up or relationships: Hook ups for now, but really I’m a relationship person.

76. Similar to you or different: Hmm. Similar in some ways would work for me I think.



78. Kissed a stranger: Hell yes.

79. Drank bubbles: Maybe?

80. Broken a bone: Only toes.

81. Climbed up a tree: Yep.

82. Broken someones heart: Probably. Yes.

83. Turned someone down: Yep.

84. Had your heart broken: nope never 😉

85. Liked a friend as more than a friend: Of course.



86. Yourself: I’m trying to.

87. Miracles: Yes.

88. Love at first sight: In a way.

89. Santa clause: I wish.

90. Kiss on first date: Sure.

91. Angels: Not so much.



92. Is there one or more people you want to be with right now: Yes.

93. Who is it: Anyone who would lie in bed, rub my back and put up with me sooking?

94. Like someone: Not like…in particular…but yeah I guess?



95. Text message: My bestie, just saying Lol. I’m so articulate.

96. Received call: Crazy friend who I love.

97. Call made: Hospital.

98. Facebook message: One of my best friends, who I met through blogging.

99. Missed call: My Dad.

100. Last hung out with: Bestie and Bailey.


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After writing this, I now feel all self-conscious, almost guilty, like I lied and now have to admit to it.

I didn’t, by the way, and some of me still feels like that. That inner-okness. It’s just the shit around all that that is making me feel like my brain is about to spew through my ears.

Over the past few months. probably 90% of the times I’ve felt like I couldn’t cope, have cried, hyperventilated, wanted to self-medicate, blah blah, come down to three things. One of them, I can cut right back on, one I can’t fix and just have to cope with, one is a total headfuck that should not be going on this long, but if anyone can tell me how to fix it…

Number two is obviously illness. I cope. I have to. It sucks.

Number three is the Craig thing. Yep. Still.

Number one is…deep breath…these guys 😦




Elmo – giving Bman a kiss 😦


Drum ❤

Put simply, horses aren’t a hobby or sport, they’re a lifestyle.

I don’t have the time, energy or money. This is killing me, because I actually love all of them. I thought this would be a hiatus… but now all the plans I had have fallen apart. I don’t know what to do. The thing is, life doesn’t stop because I need to cope. I want to put them on ice, pause them where they are while I wait and see how my life turns out, how I adjust to this new reality.

I thought I’d be less stressed not having them at home, so they’re agisted maybe 45 minutes away. I have people feeding them, checking on them, looking after their every need… I have a running account at the vet so there’s never an issue of having to get hold of me if someone needs attention.

I’m less busy, maybe even more stressed though, every time the phone rings, my first thought is something’s wrong with one of them…and wouldn’t you know it, they’ve had more injuries in the last 6 months than the 10 years before that.

My heart pounds, my hands shake and I want to hyperventilate.

Is the (slight) possibility of getting better enough to move home and play ponies worth this?

Two aren’t really saleable…Drum has cancer (anyone seeing a theme? Fuck cancer) and he’s old…I fucking love him and he taught me so much. He’s happy – except for the fact he injured himself again tonight, cue frantic phonecalls and explaining to the vet yet again no I won’t be out, this is why I pay agistment, because I’m 45 minutes away in the middle of a chemo cycle. Before vomiting. Elmo is a little feral, the one rescue I’ve broken my ‘no rescues’ rules for.  Saf, who Craig and I brought together could be sold… it would be a load off my mind, would cut the costs almost in half…

He’s the one I pin my ‘when I get better’ hopes on, if I sell him, does that mean I’ve given up on a life?

Fuck knows.



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…but I still want to 🙂

So I thought I’d do some of those ‘Daily Post‘ prompt things, not on the day they’re meant for, but oh well. I just had a scroll through and liked this one :

Daily Prompt: Playlist of the Week

by michelle w. on March 10, 2013

Tell us how your week went by putting together a playlist of  five songs that represent it.

So here we go!

Jack’s Mannequin – The Resolution

Trying to live in the moment, to get away from someones hold on you, wanting some sort of resolution but knowing you’ll have to find it within yourself…yep. Seems pretty familiar.

Guns n RosesSweet Child O’ Mine


Saw them in concert last weekend, so awesome. This isn’t actually my favourite song of theirs (its November Rain :P) but I always used to sing it to Bailey when he was younger and now he loves it :). Yeah, I’m a bogan 😛

Lissie – Nothing Else Matters


Awesome cover of one of my favourite Metallica songs. Heard it on Californication and have listened to it all week.

Garbage – When I Grow Up


Because I’m still waiting, haha.

Powderfinger – Sunsets


Happy Monday friends xx



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Kinda liking this version right now…


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Taking Time

This feels too hard, already.

I’m not sure what to say, except I am going through some stuff right now, and I just need a bit of time. I am doing what I have to, and that feels too hard.

Apologies to all my ‘blog-friends’, I know I haven’t been commenting etc, I will be right back with you when life settles 🙂 Thankyou so much to those of you who have offered me support, guidance and empathy this year. The genuine warmth I feel from virtual strangers, mostly on the other side of the world never fails to give me hope for society.

To the very few ‘real-life friends’ who read this, thankyou for hanging in there with me this year.  I’m sorry I have fallen a little off the radar lately, my brain is just fried and I am struggling. I’m sorry if I said I’d call you back, email you and then didn’t.  I’m sorry if I haven’t seemed interested, have forgotten your birthday, or just been uncaring. I do care, and of course I’d pull myself together if anyone really needed me.  It’s just….hard….right now, to even follow a conversation.  Small talk, idle chit chat just feels so distant and unrelatable.  I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone, and smiling and nodding is about the best I can do, until someone presses a little harder, digs deeper, and I just want to spew out a barrage of emotions and fears and information that is best left for therapy, not that I say much there, either.

I want to be back to myself, and I am trying, but please don’t be too disappointed in me if I fail.  And if you are, maybe keep it to yourself.  I know I have disappointed a few people this year who have told me so, and I’m sure there are a few more who haven’t told me so. And there are the few who have pretty much cut me off completely, but that happens, and really it’s preferable to being told ‘pull your socks up’, ‘get it together’ or ‘I thought you were better/stronger/tougher than this’.  And I’m not going to start with the ‘you should’ statements.

Theres not much anyone could say that I haven’t said to myself a thousand times over, but it still hurts.  And I do know how frustrating it can be watching someone seemingly make alot of painful choices, but you never really know how they’re feeling, the entire circumstances, and the effect you could have.

Anyway, now I’m just rambling.  Long story short, anything that has been said or done with the right intent I have appreciated immensely, even if I haven’t shown it. Anything said with a layer of judgement, condescension, selfishness or superiority I haven’t 🙂

If nothing else, I know who my true friends are now.  And I’m grateful 🙂


So Craig said he wanted to come home, pretty much as soon as I completely gave up.

Life is funny like that.

I feel like I’m the one who needs some time now.  How does 8 fucking months sound to start with, while he tries to come up to my impossible standards?

It’s what I wanted, not in the way I wanted, and maybe too late….

Of course I’ll end up trying, I’m such a fucking optimist like that.

Or maybe I’m not, anymore….


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