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Posts Tagged ‘Journal’

I need to write more….

because it helps me.

I’ve been…not myself…lately.  I’ve avoided writing here because I don’t want to confront my life and how I’m feeling.

 Gutless.

I’ve done some stupid things. I freaked out emotionally. I can’t relate to people right now, but I can write and write and write it all out and try to free up some space in my head.

It’s hard when you don’t know where to start.

I’m having lots of ‘what the fuck happened to my life’ moments, and sometimes I feel like I could drown in it.

I’m not nice to be around.

I’m distant, and I find small talk frustrating and pointless. Or I’m draining, an emotional vampire…

My car fucked up yesterday and I cried for two hours. Some of it in front of Bailey. Which I normally never. ever. do. Mother-guilt is the worst.

I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of shit-spiral, but I also know how much worse things can get and I’m unbelievably grateful. Because I don’t think I could do things getting worse right now.

Maybe if I’d just, I dunno, had a cry, written some venty posts about that fucking shitty c-word and the other stuff, I wouldn’t be feeling so absolutely awful.

I do tend to compound issues trying to avoid them.

Writing helps.

*****

Theres a big fuck-off storm here tonight and I’m kind of liking it. I’ve always liked a bit of weather. Except that I *just* heard something hit the side of the house fairly loudly. Hmmm. And I got home to horses running everywhere so may have a fence or two down. Joy.

My beautiful darling boy has turned 5, and there will be a dedicated post before too long. He’s just freaking awesome. I’m so thankful for him.

I have rainbow hair again! A desperate attempt to cheer myself up. I have been down. Way down.

I woke up this morning and kind of wanted to do life again. Not meaning I was suicidal, but I just couldn’t find any interest other that basic survival. And just pretending and trying to say and do what people expect. I’ve felt so out of touch with myself, and I’m glad to be back a little bit. And everyone’s waiting. Myself most of all.

x

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