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Yeah, I need to be more positive.  Or maybe just less negative.  I’m annoying the shit out of myself, let alone everybody else.  The problem is, I feel really really desperate in a way I never have before.  And yeah I try and hide it a bit when I’m talking to people but it seeps out.  And then sometimes I think “If you can’t handle me feeling like shit, just don’t talk to me”.  Because really, sometimes its just too bloody hard to smile and say “Yeah, I know things will get better” when there is absolutely nothing to base that on.

I know I will cope with everything, and I know I could cope with more (please god don’t make me cope with any more), but is it really necessary to seem happy with it?  And I only cope because it is the only option I have.  Not because I want to.

I know I’m not nice to be around at the moment.  Picture a feral animal, scared and hurt, snarling and lunging at the hands that try to help it.  That’s me.  Because this is the third time I’ve been told I need treatment for malignant tumours, and this time I am absolutely fucking shitting myself, and so terrified scared.  It is unlikely that I will die anytime soon from this, this time.  Everytime I come out of remission, the chances of complete recovery obviously lessen, and sometimes I just think, is this what my whole life is going to be? 

I have the most beautiful child in the world, and he makes things so much better, and so much worse.  Any mum will understand what I mean.  The anxiety I feel over Bailey is profound.  I never thought my marriage would fall apart so completely, and that I’d lose my health, within weeks of each other.  But if I can keep my son, and look after him, and nurture him and parent him properly, I feel like I can keep myself a bit too.  My grip on reality.  He’s my anchor.  If he’s exactly as he should be, I can cope.

Sorry this is all over the place.  Positivity.  I don’t feel like I can make more than a token effort at this point in time but I can appreciate things.  And I do.  Such small things affect me so greatly.  Dappled light coming through trees in the afternoon.  Bailey snuggling into bed with me on a cold morning.  Seeing my goats all fluffed up and curled together.  The smell of wood fires.  Green fuzz in the paddocks.  True friends who just accept me.

Just gotta keep on keeping on I guess.

x

 

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