Posts Tagged ‘Friendship’

Isn’t it funny how random life can be?

I did something I’m not proud of on Sunday. I completely lost my temper, and pretty much had an adult tantrum. There was yelling, swearing, and some furniture may have been thrown.

Of course this is a Craig post. Sorry.

Let me say, that Craig is the worlds worst procrastinator.  And it shits me to tears. He still hasn’t put Bailey on his medicare card for example. It’s been a year.

Part of the arrangement of Bailey and I staying here was that he would help me with practical stuff, and I knew it’d be like pushing shit uphill. What I wasn’t prepared for was the total me, me, me attitude, and him using us having an argument as a reason to not do something for Bailey.

Wouldn’t have picked it, honestly.

So he walks in Sunday, and is rude to me for absolutely no reason, like really no reason, all I’d done is say hi, and asked if he’d received a text. He was totally out of line and I snapped – and I make no apologies for that… He says ‘well I’ll get going then’ and I ask about the shelves he was supposed to put up for Bailey, and the swingset he’s being promising to fix for like 6 months.

I know this is sounding totally petty, bear with me.

‘I’ll do it when it’s convenient for me’

‘Are you serious?’

He confirms that he is, and leaves.

My blood is absolutely boiling, and a little while later I send him a text saying he obviously doesn’t want his stuff, which was strewn all over the front verandah after I did the work packing it and moving it out there, I guess a few weeks ago. He replies back, yes I want it, what are you talking about? And then calls, and I say ‘ Well it’s not really convienient for me having it here’. We have a few choice words, mostly about his total selfishness, and how completely out of line it is to bring doing something for Bailey into being annoyed at me, and how he pisses me off like 80% of the time – but that I’d never, I dunno, stop feeding or playing with or cleaning up after Bailey because of it.  He hangs up, so I start ditching his stuff over the railing onto the driveway.

Yep, I know, psycho territory.

“What are you doing Mummy?”

“I think we’ll have a bonfire darling”


He calls back, makes a half-assed attempt to smooth things over without taking any responsibility, so I say if he wants to actually talk I’m here. By this time he’s back at his parents, an hour away.

He actually turned around and drove back.

We had dinner and put Bman to bed, and sat down to talk and I was totally blunt about how disappointed I am in his behaviour and attitude, how much he has changed and how if he continues he is going to end up alone, because no-one would put up with that type of bullshit. And that I really, truly think there is something wrong with him. But that even so – I won’t lie down and take it, and as Bailey gets older, neither will he.

I may have pointed out that he’s acting like a spoilt, selfish little prick, and that he needs to grow up.

I wasn’t in the least bit nice, or apologetic, and why the hell should I be really?

He called me today, and asked if we could please talk on Sunday, and said that he thinks he has made a huge mistake. And that he will come up early and do the shelves, and the swing, and any other stuff – of which there is crap-loads.

If I’d known that totally losing my shit would result in some halfway human behaviour, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to hold onto it all this time 😀

Just so unexpected – doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being nice, but I might stick up for myself a little more 😉


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I love Easter long weekend.

The weather always seems to break…I love the first lot of heavy rain, seeing tiny green shoots…it always feels like a new beginning.

Reminds me of the possibilities in life, and that nothing stays the same, nothing is static.

I really need that right now.

I lost a friend this week, and the world will be less wonderful without him.  He was 32 and I met him in the chemo room a few years ago. He moved interstate last year to be with his family, after going into remission and re asessing what he wanted out of life.

He did what I did, didn’t tell everyone that he was sick. I understand his reasons, I just wish I had been able to support him.

I don’t know what you can really say to someone dying though, and I guess he knew that, knew how hard I’d find it.

He wrote me a letter, and I feel sick at the thought of reading it. But I’m so glad he did. And grateful and humbled and amazed at his strength.

Rest Easy Will.


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I don’t get low very often.

That’s not to say I don’t get depressed. Of course I do. I get tired, horribly so. I get sick alot.

But I don’t think I’ve ever been really truly depressed – I don’t know why.  I’m genetically predisposed to depression, I have a few medical issues that are linked to depression, plus you know – I’ve been through a bit.

I guess I’m just lucky.

I tend to lean more towards anxiety, and maybe the constant mental clicking keeps me focused, keeps me active and pushing on.

I’ve been feeling pretty fucking low this week though.

My son isn’t coping well with full-time school, and there’s so much I don’t like in the educational system, even at his very supportive little school.  I had therapy yesterday, and because I’ve been so bogged down with Craig for months I am only just starting to get to the real issues within myself and it is fucking hard.

I had to attend a meeting with someone who makes me incredibly uncomfortable, with only one other person. And there’ll be many more. My fault, well at least half my fault – I made a stupid decision with not alot of forethought.

So fucking awkward, I only hope it was at least half as bad for him.

Thank god for my friends.  I have alot of friends, some of them I am in contact with constantly, some of them come and go, some I don’t talk to often.

But every single person I consider a friend has…I don’t know how to put it…picked me up and breathed a bit of life into me…when I have desperately needed it in the last few years, and before I suppose.

They’ve stopped me from becoming bitter and cynical, and dried up.

And I’m so grateful, and I fucking love my friends – the ones who come here often, the ones I visit every couple of months, the ones who I’ve never met but write the most lovely supportive comments for me here, the ones who I rarely get a chance to see but are always around if I need a skype chat or a funny email – I don’t know what I’d do without them.

I’ll be ok, because I have my friends 🙂



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I think this is my best option for now.

Life is too fucking short to do anything else, really.

I have faith I can deal with pretty much anything now, after the last few years 🙂

And I’m alive, I laugh more than I cry, I have a beautiful child -even if he does seem to be growing horns lately- and I have a few really close friends who love me. 

I have a feeling life is going to continue being a bit random and difficult for a while – and that’s ok. I can cope with that. I just have to stop and notice the happy bits.


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before I go to work.

I have possibly the worst head cold known to man. It’s feral. I only just got dressed, and it’s 2:30pm.

Random Guy is coming to cook me dinner and generally shower me with no-strings, no obligation, no relationship necessary affection.  He says I’m worth getting sick for.  We’ll see what he says if he actually catches this I guess.

Craig has suddenly started being somewhat human.  It’s kind of blindsided me.  I don’t know how to act when he’s normal anymore.  Anyway we’re doing the Sunday dinner thing and he says he’d like to have a talk.  So I decided I was going to bring up the possibility of Bailey and I staying here, that I wrote about in my last post.

And as soon as I decided that for sure, Bailey, out of blue, suggested we move house.  It gave me chills.

I am the type of person who is receptive to ‘signs’.  From the universe, or whatever.  I do what ‘feels’ right, or what seems to be the natural progression.  Which is not necessarily the easiest course.   So of course that is going to fuck with my head a little bit.

Browsing the real estate site, saw a perfect looking rental.  -Deep breathes-

I guess I’ll see how the talk with Craig goes?



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What helps

when it feels like life is falling apart?

To recap, in the last, hmm, 2 yearsish, this is whats been going on:

Three much wanted pregnancies, three miscarriages.

Knee injury, 12-18months off riding.  Goodbye sanity.

Sudden death of a close family member.

Adrenal fatigue.

Cancer relapse.

Planning of formal Wedding.

Spontaneous Vegas Wedding.

Total relationship breakdown, three months into marriage, after nearly 8 years together.

Cancellation of planned formal wedding.

Major fuck-up with best guy friend.

And in the last 10 yrs:

Add another two miscarriages.

A few more fuck-ups of relationships.

Cancer, chemo, all that.

A deep, quickly intense relationship, which ended with a suicide. Also involved numerous types of abuse, a south-east asian drug ring, stalking, deprivation of liberty and a gun. And more.

Numerous moves, living here, there and everywhere.

Some sexual abuse – though not as much in the past 10 years compared to earlier, be grateful for small mercies and all that.

A dysfunctional, well, fucked family.

Add onto that day to day dramas, including but not limited to; the child trying to kill himself regularly, PTSD, a horrific pregnancy and birth (yes it was worth it), abusive phone calls from a certain ‘close family’ member (in name only now), a crap-load of tears, nightmares, in-law and extended family dramas, horse dramas, weight/body dramas, blah blah blah.

Here’s what has helped:

Music!  For me soothing type music has been best, and lately it’s been youtubing and finding new, well new to me, material.  Because as anyone who’s come out of a long term relationship knows, pretty much any music that you loved while in the relationship will bring up painful memories.  Although there’s a place for that too.  Sometimes its good to kind of immerse yourself in the memories a little bit, and let yourself feel what you feel -replays ‘The Scientist‘ for the billionth time-.

Friends!  I think almost all of my friends, well my true friends, have helped in one way or another.  You certainly find out who really cares when shit hits the fan.  I’ve received lovely ‘I saw this and thought of you’ type gifts, had dinner cooked for me or brought for me dozens of times, had friends drag me out of the house or be willing to sit with me inside when I’m in my pyjamas and don’t even want to get dressed.  I’ve had friends spend literally hours with me on chat while I talk on and on yet again about what happened, what didn’t happen, why it happened and how I feel again and again.  I have friends who are helping with my responsibilities until I can get my shit together.  And they’re all awesome. People just forgiving my general randomness, and being understanding is a huge help too.  Knowing that even though I have to be a bit self-centered right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care, and not pressuring me to take on more than what I can.  A special mention to the few people who knew me before I was with Craig.  It just helps, reminds me that there was life before and will be after. Or something.

Nature!  Really, it does help just to sit in the sun and appreciate it.  Or to love the fact that we seem to be having an actual winter this year. Noticing things like the change of seasons, green grass, frost. Tactile things, walking on the beach and noticing the feel of the sand.

Books!  Crime novels seem to be the best, they’re probably the best distraction.  I feel totally immersed with a good book and it’s about the only thing I’ve found that can stop a negative thought groove. TV does crap-all.

Internet Dating!  There was a time when I never would’ve considered this but its fun.  Made a couple of new friends too.  It’s how I met Random Macca’s Guy, and yeah, it just takes the edge off the loneliness.  I still don’t feel like I want anyone but Craig seriously, but sometimes it’s just nice and easy to chat and flirt with guys.  No harm done.

Bailey!  Some days he’s the only thing I’d get out of bed for.  Just an awesome kid who is so naturally loving, affectionate, appreciative and easy to get along with.  I’d love to take parenting credit but he was just born good, a beautiful old soul.

Blogging!  It just helps.  I know I could just write for myself, like a diary, but this is better for some reason.  I love reading other people’s blogs too.  I love how complete strangers have reached out to me.

And amongst others – my electric blanket, my dog, daycare, wholesome food, hot showers, perfume, my Iphone, hot chocolate, flowers, making new friends, naps, letting my housework go undone, windchimes, rain, sitting at the beach watching the waves, having friends who will sleep over in the same bed as me – like when we were teenagers, sometimes actually doing some housework and feeling good about it, horses, horses, horses, my job, strawberries, hugs from almost anyone, anytime, anywhere.  ❤


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before I start on a serious type post I’ve been meaning to write for some time…

Random Macca’s Guy – he continues to surprise me, I think we’ll be friends for a while. I had started to feel kind of uncomfortable about how nice he is being to me – think sweet texts, bringing me firewood, my favourite drink (his too 🙂 ) and wanting me to meet his mum – so I thought we’d better have a chat.  I was pretty upfront, maybe blunt about what I am and what I’m not up for at the moment.  I told him I’m pretty sure about moving 5 hours away in a few months, that I have cancer, that I’m still pretty hooked up on Craig and just a general trainwreck.  And that if he’s looking for something stable or permanent, I’m not it.

He still wants to spend time with me, as friends, or as something more, whenever I want, doing whatever I want.  He said he doesn’t want to put any expectations on me, and that he is just happy to know me. Also, his family own a whole heap of rental properties where I’m moving, and he’ll ask what they’ve got available for me 🙂

I still feel guilty, but I’ve been 100% honest now.  And I encouraged him to see other girls, he has alot to give to the right one.  He said he’s not interested right now though -shrug-.

Craig – Well we had dinner, and it actually went ok.  He seemed almost back to his old normal self for a couple of hours, and we chatted like friends.  Still a fair few tense awful moments, but I feel like we could move towards being friends and sorting things out amicably.  I haven’t explicitly told him about Macca’s guy , and I honestly don’t feel like I’m obligated to, considering he hasn’t made any commitment towards me….What do you guys think?

When we had an argument a couple of weeks ago, he did say that he wasn’t expecting me to ‘wait around for him’ and that he knows he doesn’t have the right to ‘stop me from doing anything, or know what I’m up to’.  And since it’s not anything serious anyway, I guess it’s my business?

I do know he wouldn’t like it, and I don’t want to upset him.  I wouldn’t like it if our roles were reversed, although I guess if you walk out on a marriage – and he can try and justify it, minimize it; but that’s really what he’s done – you forfeit the right to have an opinion.

Yes, I’m trying to justify it to myself.


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