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Posts Tagged ‘Dating’

He has lines, and I wanted to cross them. I needed to be dirt under his nails, sweat from his pores. There’s something enticing about someone who wants you despite his own guilt, who knows he’ll fuck the whole thing up. A year of ‘look but don’t touch’ and I had to push him.

When he kissed me, there was no hesitance, no slow build. He tastes earthy, salty, but surprisingly sweet. His hands felt rough on my face, his body against mine brand new but achingly familiar, a sense of coming home. He lived a whole life before I even existed, with his own hopes and ideals and fuck-ups and bullshit. There’s something sexy about someone with scars and lines and baggage. Who has experience and prejudice and set opinions, a sharp contrast to my changeable ideals, my fluidity towards life.

Of course it was over almost immediately, not severed completely, because people can be addictive. There is no happy ending here, but also no expectations. I shattered the fantasy. We hurt each other. I’ve never wanted something so totally unattainable like this. It doesn’t exist in reality.

So sometimes we pretend.

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Fuck Him.

Seriously, fuck you Craig!!

Could kill him right now, seriously.  Fuck.

Really don’t know what the fuck his deal is.

So he came up, brought dinner, I pretty obviously feel, and look, like hell.  We put B-man to bed, sat down on the couch.

Silence, blank look, so I say, “what’s up?”

“Nothing, what’s up with you?”

“You wanted to talk”

“We don’t have to”

“I’m going to have an anxiety attack and possibly die if you don’t tell me what you wanted to talk about”

“OK”

-long silence-

“I just wanted to say I still don’t know”

That’s when I shot him.  Well, mentally.  But if I’d been holding a gun…

“Are you serious?” -very restrained-

“The dinners we’ve been having, I’ve enjoyed them, and I feel hopeful, but then I think what if it’s the same?  I was hopeful things were getting better, but then Thursday”

Backstory – Thursday we were having a rare chat on skype, about a new computer for uni which then led onto other things.  He was pretty uncaring, my feelings were hurt, I pulled him up on it. Same old shit.

“That’s the point, we have to commit to making it not be the same”

And it went on from there, I tried to explain to him that two therapists pretty much took the words out of my mind about his passivity in the relationship and it’s effects.  He got shitty, said he was leaving, I said don’t, don’t speak to me like that, don’tyou speak to me like that…

Blah, blah FUCKING blah.

Once that settled slightly, I brought up me and Bailey living here for the next year.  He says its a great idea and looked relieved. Of course that perversely pissed me off right at that moment.  But whatever, free accommodation for the rest of this year and all of next year, at least.

And, because I’m a total bitch, I hinted at the fact I’m seeing someone else.  I pretty much told him he’s being selfish stringing me along, and that it’s not just my opinion.  My therapist has said so too, well without actually being so direct, my friends have said so, you guys have commented to say so.

“Did you tell all these people that think I’m selfish, that I’m not expecting you to wait around?”

“Yes, I’ve told them the absolute truth about everything, you’re still being incredibly selfish”

“But I’m not stopping you from doing anything, or starting anything”

“Would you care if I did? Started seeing someone I mean”

“Of course I’d care but I know it’s not for me to say.  I’ve made the decision not to, what you do is up to you.”

“Well, you know, I get lonely.  I like male company.”

“What you mean like…physically…or emotionally?”

“Both I guess?”

“So what, are you seeing other guys?”

“Yeah, they’re beating down the door. I don’t know, I think it might be good for me to go on a date occasionally.”

“How would you feel if I dated?”

“Like shit, homicidally angry”

“But it’s ok for you?”

“Well it’s different, you have the option of having me back, as your wife, full time.  If I had your options I certainly wouldn’t be dating anyone, I’d be working on my marriage.  But since you won’t give me any kind of answer, won’t commit to working it out with me, I think you’re being kind of unfair to act like it’s the same situation.”

-angry but defeated look, grinding jaw-

“I guess I can see your point”

Anyway, I’ll stop now.  Just had to get it out. Before he left I reiterated how FUCKED-UP and cruel he was to let me stress over a conversation for a FUCKING WEEK for him to say nothing new.  He actually seemed to feel bad, says it won’t happen again.  BETTER FUCKING NOT.  Then I told him he needs help.  Again.

Ahem.

If you made it this far, seriously, thankyou.

x

 

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