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Posts Tagged ‘Child abuse’

Another one of those ‘just write and write and write it all out’ days.

I’ve been feeling different. Better some days, sunlight peeking through cracks. Wanting to ride, to see people, to be good to myself.

A little clarity.

I know a lot of things I struggle with aren’t really my fault. Cancer, childhood abuse, random bad luck.

I’ve done 

I’m doing something. That is totally my fault. And won’t end well.

Seeing someone I shouldn’t be, because I’m weak. For no real reason, and it won’t be worth it when it all ends. I like him…I enjoy his company. We’re not compatible in any way. I mean in any long-term way, we get along great. He’s funny, smart, ironic, fucked up. God, I really like him. A highly functioning alcoholic.

We relate well.

The sex is great.

Craig’d never forgive me if he knew. I should just change that to he will never forgive me, when he finds out.

I just…don’t know what’s wrong with me. On the whole Craig and I have been getting along better…I still want him. I know underneath the layers of hurt and resentment we love each other. We’re always there if we really need each other. Still. And I’ve made it so there’s no chance of a reconciliation.

Might not have been anyway. But still no reason for me to pursue something with someone he intensely dislikes for good reason. Disrespectful.

I just started it -or let it start?- because the opportunity arose and I didn’t give a fuck about the outcome at the time. And now it’s been months and I’m in deeper than I ever planned. Not that I planned at all. Or even thought, really.

And all these people who say they admire me, that I keep my shit together, that I’m strong and brave and a good mother, they don’t know me. Even worse, I have friends who make excuses for me. For my behaviour. I could do better. I just choose not to.

Just breathe.

Am I too hard on myself, or not hard enough?

x

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