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Posts Tagged ‘Casual sex’

He has lines, and I wanted to cross them. I needed to be dirt under his nails, sweat from his pores. There’s something enticing about someone who wants you despite his own guilt, who knows he’ll fuck the whole thing up. A year of ‘look but don’t touch’ and I had to push him.

When he kissed me, there was no hesitance, no slow build. He tastes earthy, salty, but surprisingly sweet. His hands felt rough on my face, his body against mine brand new but achingly familiar, a sense of coming home. He lived a whole life before I even existed, with his own hopes and ideals and fuck-ups and bullshit. There’s something sexy about someone with scars and lines and baggage. Who has experience and prejudice and set opinions, a sharp contrast to my changeable ideals, my fluidity towards life.

Of course it was over almost immediately, not severed completely, because people can be addictive. There is no happy ending here, but also no expectations. I shattered the fantasy. We hurt each other. I’ve never wanted something so totally unattainable like this. It doesn’t exist in reality.

So sometimes we pretend.

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Craig, of course.

I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out, all over again. Until now, I hadn’t really considered life without him as a permanent state. Except for maybe in the first week.  Since then I’ve really thought it was just a temporary thing, that we’d get back together once the dust settled a bit, that he loved me and Bailey too much to let this be a reality.  Plus, of course, casual sex is never really casual.  I didn’t really think he would keep sleeping with me if he wasn’t intending on us working stuff out. I know, stupid.

On my birthday, he acted like a cunt jerk.  Sorry.  I’m tearing up just thinking about it.  He wouldn’t even give me a hug.  I should have asked him to leave at that point, because it got worse.  It was like nothing I said got through to him.  We ended up in a huge argument and me in tears in Bailey’s bed.  To top it off I was really unwell and fainted in the shower.  Sexy.

Still tried to make things better in the morning and now I wish I hadn’t bothered.

After that I thought ‘I’ll just leave it’. So I have barely spoken to him since then, didn’t ask him to stay for dinner on the weekend, haven’t asked him to help with anything, nothing. And y’know what, I don’t think he’s even noticed.  Which drives me crazy, because ‘just leaving things’ is hard for me.

It’s been two months.  I think if he wanted me he would have shown it.  I’ve tried to talk to him.  I’ve apologised sincerely for situations I could have handled better.  I’ve told him that I am willing to compromise on more.  I’ve said I am willing to forgive a lot and let go of a lot of hurt, if we can just commit to working things out.  I’ve told him I love him and am committed to this marriage.  I wrote him a five page letter.

He….um…..

See what I mean?

x

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