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Posts Tagged ‘Birthdays’

26 today.  Years seem to be flying.  Craig’s coming up tonight so we can dinner together and watch a movie or something, so I am really hoping that goes well.  He was supposed to come up for the day but cancelled on me, which I am not overly impressed with, but not going to bother saying much about it to him.

I know its useless to compare how people treat you, but I can’t help it.  I think we all do it to some degree.  On Saturday I did something fairly hard and 2 of my friends called to check how I was doing, and one made the effort to cook me a special dinner and held my hand for about an hour.  Craig didn’t call, didn’t text, didn’t ask when I saw him the next day, and when I reminded him about it, wasn’t apologetic at all.

Constantly cancels stuff with me, isn’t doing counseling, makes little effort to spend time with me, never suggests anything, never has a definitive answer to anything.

Seems very much like a ‘he’s just not that into you’ type of situation, but if that’s the case, why did he marry me just 5 months ago?

I still love him….

x

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Happy Birthday to my beautiful darling boy! Bailey is 4 years old today and I almost can’t believe it.  It does not seem anywhere near 4 years ago that I was handed a squirmy sweet smelling little bundle of blanket, and told by a totally overbearing midwife ” KISS YOUR BABY!”.  I mean yes, love at first sight, but not totally blind to the bits of ick stuck to his head.  The Dr who performed my caesarian said Bailey was probably the most alert newborn he’d even seen.  Right from the start he had these intense eyes that would just bore into you.  It was quite funny in the theater because 3 out of the 6? people were called Craig.

Craig.  My husband, although I suppose I could almost call him my ex husband, or my estranged husband.  I don’t know how we got here.  He is coming up for dinner tonight and staying over so we can talk tomorrow, and I am terrified.  I don’t really know what of – he has never gotten physical with me, and to be brutally honest with myself, if one of us were to lose our temper badly enough to get to that point, it would be me.  I’m worried and hopeful we might end up having sex, that I might end up in a complete mess, that he’ll end up saying its over but I really don’t know why I am feeling so genuinely terrified.

Today a friend asked me if I thought I would compete my young horse when he comes back into work.  It feels quite strange to say the question totally blindsided me, because it just seemed so far out of my reality.  I felt like she may as well have asked if I thought I might go and live in Africa in 2035.  And then I felt so so sad because I used to have  dreams, and goals and a life.  I used to really care about stuff and wish for more than being able to stay in remission, and to be able to afford to keep my house and everyone fed.  Life was about more than keeping my head above water.

So I made an immediate goal to get back to the point where I can consider what I might want, not just what I need.  I know its going to take time – alot of it probably.  Time for the C.A.N.C.E.R. to shrink, time for Craig and I to either get our shit together, or for us to part and for me to get my shit together.  Time for me to heal emotionally and physically.  Because I have been through alot, too much really and I am starting to realize the toll it has taken.  And yes, some of it I brought on myself, I have made some bad choices, but some of it was so far beyond my control I would never have imagined it happening in my life.

My head is not a happy place to be these days.

x

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Soooo I just read over my last post and….oh dear…psycho much?

I’d love to say I’m feeling better and have regained sanity but in the interest of honesty, no I’m not and no I haven’t.

‘He’ is coming up for dinner tomorrow and lets just say it is a lucky thing Bailey decided on finger type food for his birthday dinner.  Because I don’t trust myself anywhere near ‘him’ with cutlery in my hands at this point in timeBut I still miss him horribly.  Yes.  I know.  Pathetic.

Wow, my eye twitch is back.

‘He’ wants to stay the night, and talk the next day while Bailey is at daycare.  Last week I would have been all for this.  But after the last, like 5 nights I am not so sure.  I am not sure how long I will be able to keep my temper for, but am guessing not an extended period of time if he starts his man style passive aggressive non caring bullshit.  Ahem.

The little man of the house is celebrating his 4th birthday tomorrow.  Pretty exciting stuff, slightly heartbreaking for his mummy :(.  He knows one present he is getting – LEGO!! – but have gotten him some surprises too and we have an exciting day planned. Well exciting for a 4 year old. Sigghhh. OK, I need to have a sentimental mummy whinge and then I will move on. OK? Okay.  I just can’t believe that my tiny little helpless baby is now this running, jumping, talking, laughing, climbing tornado of a little boy. I miss my baby, miss that warm milky sweet smell. Sob sob. Done.

xx

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