‘Who knows, and does it matter?’ I scratched a pattern on the sheet. ‘I don’t think I need to define it. I’ve been there. Straight. I’m straight. But then I’m not.’
She yawned, luxuriously, not bothering to cover herself as she stretched. ‘Maybe it doesn’t matter. I just think that I deserve to know. Is this real?’
‘It’s as real as anything else.’
*******
All of my relationships have been with men. Nice, not so nice, tall, blonde, funny, smart, but all of them men. Writers and labourers and dealers and doctors. So would you assume I’m ‘straight’? Does it matter?
All of that, relationships and rules and limits, seems so far away now, almost alien.
It took me so long to drop the labels. I wish they didn’t exist. Sexuality, to me, is gorgeous and intrinsic and can be so, I don’t know, fluid? It’s so hard to put what I’m trying to say into writing. I wish no-one had to ‘come out’, and we would just love who we love and that’s it. Isn’t it odd to have all these expectations and boxes and contracts. I understand the level of relief some people must feel when their sexuality has a name and is accepted. I’ve just always felt sort of…straight-jacketed, I guess… by labels, but it seems like society is so uncomfortable and overly invested in people not having one, and I’m insecure enough to let that bother me still.
Some experiences just are what they are, whether it’s a lasting enduring love, a passing attraction, or one intense night with someone. I don’t want to over-think and label everything. It truly doesn’t matter, and life is swirly and confusing and connections with people are special.
I still can’t touch what I’m saying. I’ve slept with people I’ve loved and disliked and felt ambivalence towards. I change. It changes. Needs and wants change. Can your sexuality change? I don’t know. Do people have a true base sexuality that fits into one of five (? that I can think of) categories and are the layers on top a nature vs nurture type deal? Why does it matter? People do care who you sleep with. No one ‘comes out’ as straight.
Freedom in all ways can be so intoxicating, and sometimes it seems like there’s no rules left.
So beautiful.
x
Great post. Labels have always been bullshit.
Boo-yeah. It’s just thoughts though.
As a self-labeled bisexual, I find this post truly inspiring and reading it makes me wonder why I have bothered trying to understand myself so much… Maybe things just are how they are and there is no rhyme or reason to it, huh?
Maybe :). Maybe it doesn’t matter and acceptance in the moment is the important thing. Who even knows?
Because most people believe everything should fit into their perfect little box… stuff that does not fit is wrong. Whether it be sexuality, religious beliefs, or mental illness majority rules and everyone else is wrong.
I know right. Really fucks me off if I think about it too much.