is how this feels.
It’s warm (yes, I’m discussing the weather after being a bitch about that). I just had a major breakthrough health-wise. I kind of want to write something, swim in the ocean, lie in the sun, eat whole foods.
Pretty much how I felt almost a year ago, rocking up here with my kid and fur-kids. Totally spent, stripping off those outside layers. I have until January to salvage what’s left of this year, and then I have to go ‘home’. Well, back to what I’ll have to make a home, because it’s really the only place we have available to us.
I’m fucking terrified, when I stop and think about it. I didn’t really think I’d ever go back.
Maybe it will seem like this year never happened, and I can just kinda slip back into my job, studying online, coffee with other mums. Maybe I’m too different now, and I just don’t know it yet. I know I have like, three friends up there who have stuck by me. I have no idea about the rest.
God, I’m so glad I was here to fall apart. I can’t imagine what it would have been like up the hill. Totally unbearable I’d guess.
Maybe that is what I’m scared of – I go back, take on a mortgage, take responsibility for myself and Bailey and build us a life together, and something awful happens. I came here needing rest and strength and ended up in the hardest year of my life. I’m gritting my teeth writing this, and feeling so weak, but I. can’t. handle. much. more.
And I have some massive decisions to make.
So now that I’ve hashed all that out, I guess the question to ask myself is, ‘what should I do now?’
Try and build some strength. Make the most of this treatment break, nourish my body, allow myself to feel while I have time and space.
Walk everyday, write everyday, drink water, detox and declutter.
Accept what is and make the best of it.