I want a man

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I want a man

January 21, 2013 by hypersensationalism

A manly man.

A man who comes across strong, but who can also be sensitive. Someone who is openly affectionate. Muscles and (tasteful) tattoos would be a plus.

I want a man with laugh-lines, nice teeth and sparkly eyes. A man with a sense of humor, who can string a sentence together.

I’m not going to have one though, because deep deep down I really don’t want it for Bailey. I just…without judging anyone…I don’t agree with blended families. I’ve never seen one, that as a child, I’d want to be a part of. As a child from a ‘previous relationship’ anyway.

Seriously, never, and I just can’t imagine it feeling right.

Add to that the fact that I’m not willing (and possibly not able) to have another child, I don’t think I have it in me to be a half-decent step-parent… Most decent men in my age range have young kids, or want some.

I do wonder, if this is why things get worse with how I feel about Craig instead of better, because even though I pretend sometimes… I know in my heart I’m not going to make it work with anyone else. For at least another 15 years anyway.

Sucks for me. I don’t need a relationship…but sometimes I’d like one. Put simply, I like men. I love that guy smell, strong arms, holding hands. I love the strength that good men radiate.

Maybe I’m wrong, and I’ll fall head over heels for someone who suits me, and we’ll work it out together. I very much doubt it, but stranger things have happened .

It won’t happen until I actually separate properly from Craig though… and really it’s time to anyway. I can’t go on like this. It’s killing me. After the last few weeks…I want to write him a letter…stating everything that’s happened between us…how badly he’s hurting me with this back and forth, maybe, maybe not. How I feel when he watches me go through cancer alone…sleeps with me, and leaves. And I’ll ask him to leave me alone unless something changes with him, and I know that he will and that’s terrifying.

Fuck.

*****

I had tests last week after spending most of the week before at the hospital…we had some pretty extreme heat here and I just didn’t cope with the vomiting and ended up really dehydrated and just sick.

My results were better than expected -cautious smile- so I’m quietly relieved about that

Bailey got to go to a wedding – he had a rad time apparently…I threw up in a potplant outside waiting for him to get off the dancefloor. It was at the Sheridan…how classy of me…

Much love

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged australia, cancer, depression, Family, love, Parent, relationships, Romance, Stepfamily | 7 Comments

7 Responses

on January 22, 2013 at 9:09 am | Reply artfulanxiety

I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or anything, but I wouldn’t even bother with writing anything. I can see myself in your shoes when I wanted to let my ex know just how much crap he put me through and wanting him to understand and say sorry – but it never happens. Men just aren’t wired that way, and will never “get it.” They forget so easily while we just hang on to all that pain and resentment.
If I was you, I would just stop bothering – I know that’s easier said than done though. I wish I stopped bothering with my ex along time ago because when I eventually did I felt a lot freer and a couple of months later I met my current partner.
Hope you’re feeling better today.
- on January 22, 2013 at 9:34 am | Reply hypersensationalism
  
  You couldn’t come across rude if you tried . Yeah I am fully aware that he probably won’t ‘get it’ because if he hasn’t up until now, there’s no reason to think that he will now…and that hurts…but it is what it is.
  
  The thing is though, we have a son together. And he is going to ask me, a few times as he grows up, and probably once he is embarking on his own serious relationship, why we didn’t keep it together, what happened to his family.
  
  If I do this I’ll be able to look him in the eye and honestly say I did absolutely everything possible to try to repair his family. So yeah it’s a last ditch effort that I’m sadly not expecting to work, but feel obligated to try anyway.
  
  Thanks hun xxx
  - on January 22, 2013 at 9:37 am | Reply artfulanxiety
    
    Okay, I understand. I definitely haven’t been in your situation before and you know what is right for you.
    Good luck!
on January 23, 2013 at 1:50 am | Reply whiteladyinthehood

Wishing you the best Sensational. I hate to hear that the heat is making you so sick – I hope it gets better for you.
B-man looks quite the dashing and handsome young man – and I always notice his genuine smile!
- on January 23, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Reply hypersensationalism
  
  Thanks babe, the temperatures are slightly less inhumane this week so I’m doing a bit better x
on January 23, 2013 at 12:57 pm | Reply El Guapo

Hope the heat lays off soon and you can wrap things up with Craig and get some peace.
Or at the very least, go out dancing with that handsome young man!
- on January 23, 2013 at 3:26 pm | Reply hypersensationalism
  
  Thanks dude . Unfortunately he’ll be on the fence forever so it’s kinda up to me… Hahaha yep definitely just the one main man in my life right now…lucky he’s fantastic company x